United States Jokes

My dad got me with this one earlier. "So, you know how ships from America are USS whatever, right? Well, that stands for United States Ship. In England, they use HMS. And that means Her Majesty's Ship. In Italy, though, they use AMB. Know what that means?" "What?" "ATTSA MY BOAT!"

In 1941, a German boy named Hans was listening to the radio. Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States. "Father, where's the United States?" asked Hans. His father pointed on a map to the continental nation in North America. "And I'm told we're already at war with Russia," the curious lad continued. "Where is Russia?" His father pointed to where Soviet Russia lay in all its time zone-hogging glory. "And we're also at war with the British Empire…

When the US elects President Susan Goldfarb ... The year is 2032 and the United States has elected the first woman President, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, 'So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?' 'I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.' 'Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine…

Death sentance. A train conductor carrying millions of dollars of raw materials across the United States falls asleep on the job. Missing a crucial interchange, he runs the trains of the tracks and destroys all the cargo, wrecks the train, and kills four people in the process. After months of trials, lawsuits, and court dates, he receives a death row sentence. ──────── Months pass and finally the week of his execution arises. With three days left to live, an Holding Officer comes to his cell…

Barack Obama, the Pope, Hilary Clinton and a boy scout are on a plane... The plane is about to crash when they realize there are only 3 parachutes. The first passenger, President Obama said “I am the president of the United States, as much as it will haunt me for the rest of my life, I must insist I take a parachute. I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people and the strongest military in the world.” The others agree and the president grabs a bag and jumps out…

How The Government Works One day, a teacher assigns her kids to do some homework; ask their parents/guardians what the government is, since that's their next lesson. Little Johnny, one of her students, goes home that night and asks his father. "Well," Dad says, "Think of it this way. I'm the president, Mom is the Congress, our maid is the work force, and your little brother is the rest of the citizens in the United States." "I don't think I get it," says Little Johnny, thinking about this obs…

You have three wishes...but there's a catch A business man briskly weaves in and out of the morning rush to make it to his building. He breaks right to take a shortcut down a less-traveled alleyway. He kicks a pile of crumpled newspaper out of his path, but his shoe hits a hard and heavy object. Suddenly a gust of wind and a flash of light exposes a beautiful golden lamp as a powerful genie erupts from it. "You have three wishes. Choose wisely." "Oh wow this is great! Ok um--" The genie inte…

The Ambassador to England Just after the war of 1812, an ambassador to England from the United States had been dispatched in order to maintain the peace with the English. The diplomat was invited to a formal dinner with many important members of the English Government as they discussed peace talks and opening diplomacy. In the middle of the dinner, the diplomat excused himself to go to the outhouse. In the outhouse, he found a painting of George Washington hanging there. Upon his return to …

The President of the United States and the Prime minister of China are comparing their bodyguards. The president orders his secret service agent to jump off a 40 foot platform. The agent heisitates and does so. The prime minister immediately orders his bodyguard to do the same. The guard jumps without batting an eye. The president, feeling a little defeated, orders his bodyguard to jump off a hundred foot platform. The agent turns to the president and, with teary eyes, pleads:"Mister preside…

Bacon Tree Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...: "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk." "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon." With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, &there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double s…

A Chinese man goes to the bank A Chinese man that just moved to the United States goes to a bank to exchange his yuan for US dollars. He gives the teller 100 yuan and the teller exchanges it for $100. He thanks the teller and leaves. A week later, the Chinese man returns to the bank with another 100 yuan to exchange. This time the teller only gives him $90. The man asks why he got less than last week and the teller replies "Oh, market changes and, you know, fluctuations." Clearly offended,…

Two conspiracy theorists are flying on a plane to a convention when it crashes. They find themselves before God and tell him "We are but humble men, and for all our life we have sought the truth. You are all-knowing, so you know all the answers." "What is your question?" "We would really like to know who was really behind the 9/11". "Osama bin Laden and the Al Qaeda as a part of a plot to destabilize the United States." "Holy shit, dude." whispers one of them to another. "This goes even dee…

a soldier finds himself outside after night fall A soldier finds himself outside his base of operations in a foreign country after night fall. He managed to find himself back at the main gate of entry but was unable to produce any physical evidence that he was in fact born and raised in the USA. The guard at the gate was not allowed to let anyone in who wasn't a citizen of the United States. The solider suggested that the guard ask him a few questions to prove in nationally. The guard then repl…

Who was the 45th Vice President of the United States? [Warning: Gore]

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of... Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this, I am a United States congressman!" In that case," replied the mugger, "give me my money."

Two Mexicans in the desert Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...: "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk." "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon." With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, &there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smo…

Two Mexicans are lost in a desert after crossing into the United States... They are wandering aimlessly and starving, and they are just about to lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says: >"Hey Pepe, are you smelling what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk" >"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. " With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's fried bacon, there's raw bacon, there's back bacon, there's do…

Roses are red, violets are blue... Let's dispel once and for all with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing. He knows EXACTLY what he's doing. Barack Obama is undertaking a systematic effort to change this country, to make America more like the rest of the world. That's why he passed Obamacare and the stimulus and Dodd-Frank and the deal with Iran. It is a systematic effort to change America. When I'm president of the United States, we are going to re-embrace all the…

A Polish man rushes into a lawyer's office... Polish man moved to the United States and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well — until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: Lawyer: “Have you any grounds?” Man: “Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home.” Lawyer: “N…

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...: "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk." "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon." With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, &there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imagi…

Polish man in the US A Polish man moved to the United States and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well — until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: Lawyer: “Have you any grounds?” Man: “Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home.” Lawyer: “No, I mean what is the f…

The 2016 Presidential Race is ending... It's the end of the 2016 presidential race and the people of the United States hated all the candidates so much that nobody voted. The government is in a panic trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be. Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea: a literal presidential race. The three candidates would run a lap around the White House and the person with the best time would become president. Bernie Sanders goes first, but be…

Running for president It's the end of the 2016 Presidential race and the United States hated all the candidates so much that nobody voted. The government is in a panic trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be. Finally, Obama comes up with an idea: A Literal Presidential Race. The three candidates would run a lap around the White House and the person with the best time would become president. Sanders goes first, but being as old as he is, he takes about …

The most popular man in the world Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat. "Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill. "I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned. "Now Ned," says …

A Texan, Donald Trump, and a New Mexican are walking along when they stumble upon a gold lamp... They all immediately grab for it, and each get a hand on it. As they each struggle to take it from the other two, a genie pops out. The genie says, "You have woken me from my slumber, and I shall give you three wishes. Since you each have a hand on the lamp, you will get one wish a piece." The Donald Trump goes first. He says, "I want all the Mexicans permanently out of the United States and back…