United States Jokes

The First Jewish President' The year is 2016 and the United States has elected a woman, Susan Goldfarb, as the first Jewish president. She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, 'So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?' 'I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be and my arthritis is acting up again.' 'Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home then a limousine will pick you up…

Puerto Rico as a new state The United States government is thinking about making Puerto Rico the 51st state of the United States... The flag will be displayed on a clothes line outside of the capital building.

I have a Mexican friend from the United States... He said he was Juan of US.

A group of friends decide to create a punk rock band... ... and they decided to name the band after an obscenity. Since these friends were totally uncreative, they decided to name the band 'Shit', because their music was the shit. They stayed true to the classic, three-chord punk everyone from the 80s was familiar with. Shit started getting popular in their city. When critics caught wind of their first studio album, they saw Shit as a revival of classic punk, launching the band from small gigs t…

In addition to asking presidential candidates for birth certificates, they definitely need to start asking this. In a high school civics class, they were discussing the qualifications for becoming President of the United States. The requirements are pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years old. A blonde girl in the class piped up and began complaining about how unfair it was to require the candidate to be a natural born citizen. In her opinion, that made …

The NSA is to blame for obesity in The United States. Because the camera ads 10 pounds.

What is similar between Spain, Ireland, and the United States? Their economies falter after a popping of a housing bubble.

Did you Scratch the car ? Dad - Son, come in here, we need to talk. Son - What's up, Dad? D- There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it? S- I don't believe, if I understand the definition of ""scratch the car"", that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car. D- Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch? S- Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. Whi…

Macaroons In the United States, a Scotsman walks into a bakery and points to the display. Excuse me,' he says in his thick Scottish brogue, But is that a macaroon or a meringue?' No,' says the lady at the counter, you're right. It's a macaroon.'

What do you call it when a South African camalid is having problems with her child's school project depicting the 44th president of the United States? Baby llama mamma's Obama diorama drama! From my buddy, John, a guy who is still trying to figure out if he likes Reddit or not.

India installs 15000 surveillance cameras for Obama's visit to New Delhi C'mon man! that's racist! After all, he is the President of United States! Moreover, it's not like India is left anything worth stealing since British looted all their wealth anyways.

Islamic Star Trek? The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a United States Marine Corps General. As they talked, the Iranian said, ""I have just one question about what I have seen in America ."" The General said, ""Well, is there anything I can do to help?"" The Iranian whispered, ""My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it there is Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russi…

It's an old joke, it's long, but it's one of my favorites. Dave and Mike are two friends and are hanging out, just talking and having a good time. Suddenly, the Prime Minister of Canada walks up to them with a huge smile on his face and says, ""Hey Dave! Long time no see!"" Mike is in shock and just listens to Dave and the PM chat, laugh and act lie they're old friends. After a bit, the PM says goodbye and walks off. ""You know the Prime Minister!?"" Mike asks. ""Of course,"" says Dave, ""We've …

so the united states is ebola free now... I wonder how much the premium version of ebola will cost.

Mexico's dump. Once upon a time, a country in North America known as Mexico got independence from its motherland, Spain. To celebrate, it had a big feast, but took the biggest shit known. The United States took the shit from Mexico and set it up as a state. The shit is now known as California.

If there'd been a mix up my uncle could have been President of the United States He was an army undertaker, also known as a 'barrack embalmer' \- Milton Jones

An airplane was about to crash with Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, an old man and a young boy... Unfortunately there were only 3 parachutes left for the 4 of them.   Barack Obama said ""I am the president of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower!"" So he takes the 1st parachute, and jumps out of the plane.   Hillary Clinton, said ""I am the future first female President of the United States and I am…

Who served as the 45th Vice President of the United States? [Warning: Gore]

My wife and I were walking down the street. My wife and I were walking down the street when she spotted the mayor of our town. ""You should go introduce yourself"" she said. I replied ""I have known him for years why should I?"" ""You do not know the mayor!"" she exclaimed. It was then that we walked up and talked to the mayor for 10 minutes. When we walked away she said I guess you did know the mayor. About a year later my wife and I were traveling through Washington D.C. and she said ""Wouldn'…

what is the most common second language in the united states? Dora the Explorer spanish

What did the hipster epidemiologist say to United States citizens at a press conference? You probably won't get it.

A university in the United States was robbed of a whopping $170,000 One student managed to erase his own debt.

Pawdon me, but would anyone like to hear some dog jokes? I was walking through the park the other day when I came across a man playing chess with his pet dog. ""That's amazing!"" I exclaimed. The dog was not phased, and he appeared to be in deep concentration as he peered down at the chess board. It must have been his move. The owner, an elderly man, glanced up at me. ""Whatchya want, laddie?"" ""Your dog- that's astounding! You're playing chess with your dog!"" ""Eh?"" he replied, ""The hound i…

An admiral is sailing a ship... and ahead of him, spots an incoming light. He radios the light, commanding, ""Turn 10 degrees South to avoid a collision course."" The radio squawked, ""No, you are to turn 10 degrees South."" This exchange happens about 3 or 4 more times until finally, the admiral yells into the radio, saying, ""Do you know who you are talking to? I AM AN ADMIRAL OF THE UNITED STATES NAVY!"" The radio says back, ""Well, you're talking to the lighthouse.""

An open letter to the President of the United States. Dear Mr. President I know where you live.