Twitter Jokes

After six years of being responsible, I finally went and lost my phone last night. I'm currently using Twitter from the web. LIKE A CAVEMAN.

Everyone is normal until you find their Twitter.

Twitter should send notifications when you're about to get fired and divorced.

Twitter takes me places I've never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don't use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

Been playing hide n' seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.

If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : "He said, stupidly."

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you. I'd like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

Soon every possible joke will be written on twitter and we will be forced to face our feelings.

Remember when you first joined twitter and you had no idea how to RT or what favstar was and remembered what your family looked like?

If you're new to Twitter from Facebook, you can just reply "Like" to all of my tweets. I'll understand

Pro Tip: don't believe everything on Twitter. Y'all said throw her up against the wall to keep her happy. Karen from accounting. Not Happy.

Twitter is considering a 10,000-character limit for tweets. Well, there goes the neighborhood.

I was going to suggest Twitter to have a live Nativity scene but I think it's going to be impossible. A virgin and 3 wise men? On here?!

Every time I use Twitter secretly at work and a colleague asks me why I'm laughing, "this pie chart is hilarious!" never sounds believable.

If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.

Damn shame some of ya'll will get on twitter to say Goodmorning before even brushing your teeth. #mustymouthtweet

Since joining Twitter, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.

Million dollar idea: let's start a Twitter swear jar

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so's my liver but you don't see me slowing down because of it.

Logged out of Twitter for a few hours... Finally graduated college, lost some weight, showered, read 17 books, and started a family.

Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion! Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!

I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I'm checking Twitter and not taking pictures.

*Makes joke on Twitter* *5 Retweets* *Makes same joke on Facebook* *5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*

"I faked all my LOLs." -A Twitter romance comes to a dramatic end.