Twitter Jokes

I bet there is already someone who's put their number of twitter followers on a college application.

@funTweeters you guys are my favorite thing about Twitter. I suggest we get pant less and hug this out like men.

I lost all my drafts in the last update. Twitter did you all a favor.

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she's muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

Remember ladies. It goes from Twitter to Kik to Voxer to cell phone number to address to being dismembered in a motel bathtub.

It is rude to start a Twitter account and not state within 48 hours that you want to see what all the fuss is about.

I've made friends on Twitter I never would've met in real life, and I wouldn't trade them for anything less than $200.

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

Sorry about my two week Twitter hiatus, I was trying to find the end of the plastic wrap.

When Facebook goes down, everyone comes to Twitter to talk about it. When Twitter goes down, the world falls mute.

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It's only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

I'm starting to think Twitter has nothing to do with birds.

I think twitter is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.

Falling for someone from Twitter is as intelligent as trying to give yourself a lobotomy with a sharpened jelly donut.

We're probably like 10 years away from ppl running for president strictly for more Twitter followers

Twitter would be a lot more interesting if when you hit someone with your car, you got their followers.

Twitter is cool because it makes me look like I'm texting my friends instead of talking to myself.

"The greatest thing about twitter is that you can quote something & totally make up the source." ~ Abraham Lincoln, 1862

Do you have FB? No Do you have Twitter? No Instagram? No What do you have? A life. ... ... Can I have it? No. I need it to play Candy Crush.

You're leaving Twitter? For good? That's too bad. We'll miss you. See you next week!

*gets sentenced to 25 years in prison* *opens twitter app* *looks up* *being released*

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

Her: Sir, you account has been hacked. Me: Twitter? Her: No. Your Bank acc. Me: Ooooh Thank God.

Things I've learned on Twitter: 1. A Twitter Crush is not a soft drink 2. Naps rule 3. Pants are optional 4. Everybody hates Nickelback

We're going to build a great wall to keep the inspirational tweets out. And Facebook is going to pay for it. Make Twitter Great Again.