Twitter Jokes

I have a basic password for my online banking and a complicated one for twitter. Wouldn't want some hacker breaking in and posting bullshit.

Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president

Jokes about being drunk on Twitter are redundant. Maintaining a Twitter account automatically implies that you're drinking on some level.

All you people who chose "The Real" or "Official" before your Twitter handle really thought ahead of the game there. Well done, guys.

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I'm a freak but not that talented

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car's lights are on.

To the people that put their Twitter link in their own Twitter profile: Thank you. I would have never found you otherwise.

"Report Spam" is the elevator close door button of Twitter.

SCIENCE: If you have another person posing with you in your twitter avatar, 100% of the time you're the uglier one.

Just got a call from the head of Twitter (Paul Twitter). He says great opinions everyone, he's looking forward to more opinions tomorrow.

I don't care about following a 'funny' celebrity from tv on Twitter-instead I look up who writes for their show then follow that person.

Facebook's great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

[10mins from now] ..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

I stole a seat from an old man and he remarked, "Chivalry is Dead". I said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know. He wasn't even trending on Twitter".

You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I'm a little surprised so many guys chose "creepy weird dude."

Looks like I'm finally going to meet my twitter crush, don't know if I should diet or let him find out the hard way Im good w camera angles

"Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?" "Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals."

If you're a girl on twitter and you have no pictures of yourself, I'm automatically assuming you're a cat that learned to use a computer.

With Twitter, who needs imaginary friends?

H: "Whatcha doing?" Me: "Going on twitter to hang out." H: "Twitter is an app, not a place." Me: *whispers venomously* "Is too a place!!"

Job interview: - Good morning - Good morning - Have you got a twitter account? - Yes - Ok, thanks for your time. We'll get back to you

Thank God I wasn't on twitter when I was in college. It would've taken me 65 years to get my degree.

Remember when Twitter used to be a service where I could post something like, "Hello, my name is Doctor Toilet" and get a bunch of retweets?

Replacing facebook with Twitter is a bit like replacing caffeine with heroin