Twitter Jokes

ME: I'm gonna plug my Twitter handle. WIFE: Please don't. ME: I'm gonna do it *walks to the microphone in front of the funeral*

When a tramp, covered in his own piss shouts at you, you don't take it personally. So why are you ever offended by idiots on Twitter?

Some people get athlete's foot. I get Twitter butt.

My wife: ever since you got on twitter you never listen or talk to me any more. Me: yeah spaghetti for sure!

Next update: Twitter will tell you what the retweeter is feeling as they retweet your retweet. And what they had for breakfast.

Apparently my twitter session today has lasted 12 hours. I don't even miss my life anymore

*goes to bathroom *takes out phone *opens Twitter *finishes *pulls pants up *flushes *forgets to poop

Everyone else gauges how productive their week is by how little time they had for Twitter too, right?

A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack. A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said "better put down that phone."

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing? Yeah, me neither.

"Nurse, I need 10 cc's of fluid, a scalpel and 100+ retweets about this kid from a celebrity on Twitter. STAT!" - 2013 doctor

My 8 yr old son just told me Nutella is a delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas. He's ready for Twitter.

What I've learned from Twitter: 1. Men are pervs 2. Women are pervs 3. Cats are pervs

Damn you Jehovah's, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I'll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We'll see who converts who

To all the chicks on Twitter who complain about never getting laid, turn your location on.

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

The best part about twitter is that it is completely satisfying on a deep emotional level and in no way makes me feel empty inside.

Twitter is all fun and games until you get that text asking what that tweet was about.

twitter is obviously Japanese, it wants us to hate whales as much as it does

Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.

Hey terrorists, wanna cripple America? Hack Twitter and cause all DM's to go public. I'm just kidding, don't do that shit. We'd kill you.

scientists agree that following me on twitter is a clear sign you were classified as Above Average as kid and used it as an excuse to coast

"Time is of the essence" Twitter: Hahaha nope

Twitter was down for a couple of hours but I didn't panic at all. I dialed 911 and calmly told them "people are about to die". Then Hung up.

I opened Twitter at a red light once, and when I looked up, a week had passed and I was sitting in police impound.