Twitter Jokes

will you marry me? "OMG YES! I love you!!!" *imagines typing only 4 characters for 'wife' instead of 'girlfriend' on Twitter* I love you too

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of 'hey you' every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

If I die before I wake, please convince mom this twitter account is fake. Amen.

Detective: Where were you on the night- Me: Twitter Detective: Between the hour- Me: Twitter Detective: I wasn't fini- Me: Twitter

Remember when only the really cool people were on Twitter? Oh, you weren't here then? Oops, my bad...

Social networking has become a club. Twitter is the dance floor. Instagram is the bar and Facebook is the people crying in the bathroom.

Twitter is perfect for men, because with men brevity is key. Beyond 140 characters they know they're going to say something wrong.

No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.

STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU... YOU... EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!

My boss: Are you on Twitter? Me: I've never heard of it. Is it a drug? Why would you ask? Am I acting funny? Maybe you're acting funny.

My twitter crush just broke up with me for saying WWE wasn't real. The irony is not lost here.

When I see someone's name trending on twitter, I used to be afraid they died. Now I'm afraid they're a Republican presidential candidate.

Thanks to Twitter I can tell people I read.

Twitter is like a dog: There's always someone who loves you for you... there's also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

My wife gets her news from NPR. I get mine from Twitter. Guess which one of us knew about planking first? Suck it, legitimate media.

While Twitter is the slutty wife we all share, Facebook has become the humorless mother-in-law we all endure.

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

Never judge a book by its cover. Besides, you're on Twitter and don't even read books.

Instead of a tweet up, I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains You know... A Couples Retweet

Just realized some twitter handles are probably prison ID numbers.

There are two types of people on Twitter. Those who can take a joke, and those who will copy it and claim it as their own

Shriek your Twitter name between songs at concerts and hope that it makes the live album.

So the Macarena turns out to be about a girl double-teaming her boyfriend's friends. Now we know the lyrics were crowd-sourced from Twitter.

I'm not sure how I can prove it, but I think I'm actually more stupid since joining Twitter...

If you're not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.