Twitter Jokes

Beginning to worry that, on my deathbed, I'm going to be just lying there, refreshing twitter.

"I'm sure if I show my gf my Twitter, she'll understand it's just for fun." Said a bunch of now single guys.

Believing that you are popular or "famous" on twitter... ...is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

Being on twitter has made my spelling, grammar and vocabulary so much gooder.

"Please stop misquoting me on Twitter," said my boss. "It makes me sad because I am a large baby with a stupid haircut"

"I'm proud of all the Twitter followers you've accumulated." - none of our parents

People of Twitter: If you worry that you aren't creative enough, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.

Wouldn't it be great if twitter had a roped off VIP section where celebrities could keep their boring tweets to themselves?

Contrary to the rest of America, Twitter runs on drunken.

Employers are now blocking Twitter at the office. Is there a way I can do that on my home computer? Asking for a guy who should be working.

Be careful, newbies. Twitter changes you. I used to be Puerto Rican, now I'm Irish.

Post that you're pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments. Tweet that you're pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows

You don't need to put "narcissist" in your bio. This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

Twitter has ruined me. Just wrote "we'll deliver your load on time" for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.

Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.

I don't know what I'd do without Twitter. Probably my work.

Twitter action film: MAN 1: Follow me. MAN 2: On Twitter? MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you'll be killed. MAN 2: On Twitter?

Twitter announced today that they've lost 134 million dollars this year. I don't know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.

Twitter has lost 90% of my tweets. Great! Now I've got nothing to show for the last two years. Nothing.

Please stop telling me how poor you are via Twitter for iPhone

Ah yes. I've linked my Twitter to my Wordpress, and my LinkedIn to Klout. Now it's time to interface my Acura ILX with a giant redwood

Remember when AOL was the shit? Then it sucked. Myspace was the shit. Then sucked. Facebook was the shit. Then sucked. Twitter is the shit!

The last time Twitter was down I realized it didn't take 6 hours to poop.

I just realized that I get most of my news from Twitter. So... someone remind me what Pres Bieber's health care bill will do to your mom?

What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?