Twitter Jokes

Bart Simpson's chalkboard was the original twitter.

There once was a poet on Twitter who grew increasingly bitter. He couldn't surmount the strict character count and so his poems got even shi

Developing an app that redirects you to twitter if you click on any other app on your phone cause obviously it was a mistake. You're welcome

Her: Do you watch Desperate Housewives? Me: No but I follow a few on Twitter.

Only 9 more days til Xmas! Can't wait to see the look on my child's face when he wakes up and realizes daddy spent too much time on Twitter.

True Story: A guy at the supermarket walked up to me today and asked me if I was on twitter. I said no. If you're reading this, I lied.

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I'm joking.

"The captain of the Titanic just checked into an iceberg on Foursquare with 2,224 other people." - Twitter, 1912

My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.

Facebook tells me those vans are dangerous, but Twitter says they have candy. So conflicted.

Commercial for Twitter dot com: *man yells nonsense out his window* Narrator: Don't you wish there were a better way?

They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion "The true grease stain remover"

What did I do before Twitter? Well, there's my family and......OH MY GOD WHERE'S MY FAMILY?!?!

Kanye West is now on Twitter. Since he doesn't follow anyone, not only will he not let you finish, he's not gonna let you start, either.

Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, 'Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?'

Divorce lawyers all over the world are rubbing their hands together in glee now that Twitter DM has a picture function.

If people on Twitter found a horses' head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops.....

If my grandmother was on Twitter, I bet most of her tweets would be about raisins.

My family said if I don't get a Facebook, they'd all get a Twitter I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind I'm the Jesus of social media

Old Twitter is what you'd get if an engineer brought New Twitter to Steve Jobs, and Steve beat on him relentlessly to simplify it.

Twitter 1 Act: -Person misreads sarcasm -You point out it's sarcasm -"I know I was being sarcastic back" -Sharpen pencil, jam it in own eye

My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?

Guys GUYS wait! Stay awake, for God's sake stay awake because I just found out if you die on Twitter YOU DIE IN REAL LIFE!