Twitter Jokes

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.

Twitter has no plot, millions of characters, & it never ends. Basically, it's a "Hobbit" movie.

North Korea is becoming like that annoying person that always threatens to close their Twitter account from lack of attention.

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

Tip for twitter newbies: Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

"How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?" *I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.

Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword Legolas: And you have my bow Gimli: and my axe Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers

Pretty sure that Twitter is not one of the seven habits of highly effective people.

One man's girlfriend is another man's Twitter password.

The Golden Globes is how everyone else on twitter gets revenge on sports fans.

If I've learned one thing from twitter, it's how to get a ton of work done in an hour after wasting 80% of my day tweeting.

I was in a good mood when suddenly twitter went down & I ran over a blind man, tasered a baby, killed a puppy & set myself on fire.

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I'm wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!

It's all fun and games until HR sends an email with "Your Twitter Account" in the subject line.

Husband: Have you lost weight? Me: About 10 lbs H: Who you trying to look good for? *wink M: You don't know him. He's on Twitter...

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

Not paying more than $2,000 a kilo. And can we stop communicating through Twitter? I feel like these DM's are going to go public someday.

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn't have an "is online now" indicator

Nothing screams "I don't care about being on time for work" like hopping on Twitter first thing in the morning.

I wish Twitter would add bold or italics or meaning to my life.

If Twitter has taught me anything it's that the best career choice is divorce lawyer.

Twitter is the only place where you're thrilled when a complete stranger starts following you.

Twitter is awesome. You can have a boyfriend right in your phone. Available at all times. Unless his wife's around.

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

My ex-girlfriend once said "It's either me or Twitter." I wonder how she's doing.