Twitter Jokes

Great date last night Last night, I went out with a great guy. Things were going well,but in the end, we both had to part ways. I said my goodbyes and went home on foot. Today, I woke up to a text from him. ""I followed you last night."" Perplexed, I replied :""Oh cool. How did you know my Twitter though?"" ""What's Twitter?""

At breakfast this morning, my wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter. I nearly choked on my #Brown

A woman behind me got run over today. She was following me on twitter.

Hear about the paranoid guy who stopped using twitter? He said everyone was following him.

obama follow me on twitter

how do you reference your local humane society on twitter? ""##""

I blamed being late for work on Rush Hour... The next day I blamed it on Rush Hour 2 (Original credit goes to @murrman5 on twitter)

What is the difference between Game of Thrones and Twitter? With Twitter the number of characters do not go down with time

I wish that Game of Thrones was on Twitter So George RR had to limit it to less than 140 characters.

Are you funny and/or creative? Paid alpha program. (x-post from /r/standup) **UPDATE: Just got off the phone with my boss and he's getting inundated with replies, so he's asked me to tell y'all that the application window is now closed. Thank you all for your interest!** Hey all, my boss is putting together an experimental program where they pay funny people to sort of be ""on retainer"" for quick-hitting on-topic humorous tweets. It's a paid deal, so please read on if you're interested. Hopeful…

Zuckerberg's next aquisition will be twitter to complete his WTF trilogy.

LiesToldByFemales (a then-""trending"" Twitter #hashtag) ""I would never get you pregnant, baby."" Oh. I forgot to mention that this is a female seahorse. _______________________________________________ [joke by Kevin L. Schwartz]

Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in India and he lives in Alaska. We met on a dating website, became friends on facebook, had long chats on whatsapp, he proposed to me on skype, and now we've had 2 months of relationship through viber. I need your blessings and good wishes daddy .................. Dad said: Wow! Really!! then get married on twitter, have fun on tango. Buy your kids on e-bay, receive them thru gmail. And if you are fed up with your husband.... sell him on…

What's the name of that reality show ? It's always on in marathons ? It's about people who keep things they shouldn't ? (punchline in comments) Oh yeah ! Teen Mom ! Joke belongs to John Wynn (@theFunnyAsian on Twitter). Heard it this past weekend when he was one of the openers for Jeff Ross : P

""Putin's Assassination Attempt On Bob Costas Fails, Matt Lauer Next Target"" (Faux Onion headline. Follow on twitter @gizopizo)

Another MBA joke. funny! By the time you finish your MBA, you have most probably got one of these: new house, new job, new car or a new partner (Copied from Twitter @ManasBhardwaj)

Did you like the movie yesterday? How is Jerry doing at school? It's a pity you broke up with Mark, he was OK. ""Do I know you?"" ""I follow you on twitter.""

FUN FACT: If every human on Earth was laid out end to end... ...there would be no one left to measure how far it went.   ^^credit ^^to ^^@meganamram ^^on ^^Twitter

One-liner jokes I have 0 twitter followers. Explore my jokes? [Jokes](https://twitter.com/JewFrmOuterSpc) I promise you I'm not just some idiot looking for attention. I've been writing jokes a long time and it is my passion. I think my jokes are good. Check them out!

No one on Twitter ever quotes me properly. I'm so mis-tweeted.

Girl confesses she met a guy online and asks for her dads blessings. Girl: Dad! I am in love with a boy who lives far away from me. I am in the United States and he lives in the United Kingdom. We met on a dating website, became good friends on FaceBook, had long chats on WhatsApp, he proposed to me on Skype, and now two months of relationship through Viber, I need your blessings and good wishes. Dad: You know we are in the days of technology, where things are now done electronically so I think …

Topical Jokes! The White House was briefly evacuated Saturday when smoke was coming out of a utility closet instead of up politicians' asses. A woman was kicked from an American Airlines flight for singing Whitney Houston songs non-stop. She blamed her Diabetes Type TwoooOOOooOooo. Nine PA students were almost banned from prom for not getting chicken pox vaccines. Fortunately, those red itchy bumps weren't chicken pox. Moms are hiring disabled guides to cut lines at Disneyworld, so if you're dis…

ESPN is cutting a few hundred jobs... So tomorrow's AM radio show will be ""Mike and Some Random People from Twitter in the Morning""

Ted Nugent predicted Ted Nugent would be dead or in jail by now... which is just one more thing Ted Nugent is wrong about. (Jokes for the week of 4/13-4/19 @fridayupdate on twitter.)

A man shot himself in the head at an NRA sponsored NASCAR event... while the GOP shot themselves in the foot on the NRA sponsored gun bill. (Jokes for the week of 4/13-4/19 @fridayupdate on twitter.)