Twitter Jokes

FUN FACT: If every human on Earth was laid out end to end... ...there would be no one left to measure how far it went.   ^^credit ^^to ^^@meganamram ^^on ^^Twitter

Why doesn't George RR Martin use twitter? Because he killed all 144 characters -stolen from /r/gameofthrones

I just tried to follow Tim Howard on twitter... I got blocked.

"Ebola" is trending on Twitter... ...does that mean it's gone viral?

My New Girlfriend Facebook asks what I'm thinking. Twitter asks what I'm doing. Google asks where I am. The internet has turned into my girlfriend.

I didn't get this joke ? please help A young man is sentenced to fifteen years in prison. The warden takes a liking to him and puts him in a cell with a kindly oldtimer so that he can be shown the ropes and not get himself in trouble. So the oldtimer teachs the youngster the rules of the prison, what to do, what not to do, stuff like that. One of the rules he learns is that there is no talking allowed during meals. A curious thing happens during meals though and the young prisoner is a bit co…

Son: "Mom, Dad.. I'm gay" Son: "Mom, Dad.. I'm gay" Mom: *staring at dad Dad: ...*clenches fists Mom: ...don't! Dad: *sweats profusely Mom: Dad: HI GAY, IM DAD Kudos to @Lerky on Twitter

I'm beginning to worry about my obsession with technology. I told my doctor, "I think I'm addicted to Twitter." He replied, "I don't follow you."

Twitter addiction A man goes to his doctor and says: -Doctor, I think i am addicted to Twitter. -Eh,sorry...I don't follow you.

One explanation for the gender wage gap is that men typically gravitate towards higher paying jobs like doctor, engineer, CEO... ... While women tend to gravitate towards lower paying jobs like female doctor, female engineer and female CEO. All credit to Jeremy McClellan @jeremymcclellan on Twitter and crosspost from r/standupshots Edit: I just made checked, and this subreddit is r/jokes right?

Helpful tips for a safe eclipse viewing experience Found this on Twitter shared by someone who found it on Facebook as a screenshot of text. Those aren’t allowed here so, I've retyped the text. Credit to whoever came up with it: **Helpful tips for a safe eclipse viewing experience:** * The people of Tennessee may have the best view but will also be the first to be sacrificed. * Animals may behave strangely. If your dog speaks like a man heed its dire warning. * Don't trust the squirrel with th…

Have you heard Elon Musk no longer owns Twitter? He’s now the X owner

Elon Musk has come up with a fool proof plan of destroying Apple because they refuse to advertise on Twitter. He plans to buy it.

A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”

Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them. To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one… …He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.

Why did Elon Musk abandon his Twitter acquisition? He wanted to experience, for the first time in his life, the sensation of pulling out

I don't have a Facebook or Twitter account... I just walk around announcing out loud what I'm doing at random times... I've got 3 followers so far, but I think 2 are cops.

New York City is like Linux * Spend the first year re-learning how to perform basic tasks * Spend the rest of your lifetime claiming how much better it is * Bad drivers Source: @ chromakode on Twitter

North Korea has a new war game The North Korean state media just announced today that in the event of possible war all citizens are ordered to follow Donald Trump on Twitter

Why does Voldemort use Twitter and not Facebookm Because he has followers

What would the French say if they had Twitter during WWII? Retweet! Retweet!

Why does Donald trump use twitter instead of Facebook? Because he has followers

What's the difference between Twitter and Vietnam? Trump would never dodge a Twitter war.

If 50 cent were a woman.. would her name be 35 cent? Credit : twitter @the_anastasia

How do you keep Trump busy for the rest of his term? Tell him his twitter phone is in the corner of his office.