New York City Jokes

I don't mean to sound like a tough guy but I've been in New York City for almost two hours and I've only cried like 31 times...

Hey there Delilah what's it like in New York City guess they don't have cell towers there so you didn't get my texts I'm going to kill you b

[royalty free Black Keys-sounding music plays] Anthony Bourdain: There's nothing more rock n roll than eating a famous new york city whopper

Did Delilah ever tell that guy what New York City is like

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City... A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan…

Pack your Bags A woman was going to Los Angeles from New York City for an extended stay. With permission from the airline was permitted to bring five pieces of luggage. As the clerk was starting to take the luggage, the woman says, ""I would like you to send the first bag to Miami, the second bag to Chicago, the third bag to Dallas, the fourth bag to Phoenix and the fifth bag to Seattle."" The clerk says looks at her for a second, then types a few things in his computer, then looks back at the w…

New York city makes a tender to paint the Statue of Liberty. 3 Companies bid for the tender, one Chinese, one Canadian and one Mexican. The Chinese offer 3 million dollars; they say that they will bring 100 Chinese workers and do it in less then a month. The Canadians offer 6 million dollars; they say they will use super expensive painting and it will hold for at least 50 years without having to paint the statue again. The Mexicans offer 9 million dollars. The person in charge of the tender is p…

A rich new york blonde goes to a bank to get a loan She talks to the man and asks for a $5000 loan while she goes on vacation. She puts up her rolls royce as collateral, which is clearly worth far more than $5000. A few weeks later she returns to said bank and asks what she owes. The bank teller says she owes $15 in interest on top of the $5000. After she pays it, he asks her why she put up such a valuable car for such a low sum. She replies, ""Well where else am I going to find parking in New Y…

Theme 2: Polish --Q: How do you get a one-armed Pole out of a tree? --A: Wave to him. Q: What is long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night? A: A new last name. --Q: Did you hear about the Pole who studied for 5 days? --A: He was scheduled to take a urine test. A 747 recently crashed in a cemetery in Poland. Polish officials have so far retrieved 2000 bodies. --Two Poles emigrated to America. On their first day off the boat in New York City, they spied a hot dog vendor in the st…

A young woman in New York City was severely depressed... A young woman in New York City was severely depressed so she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying. He took pity on her and said, ""Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of…

A Russian in the USA A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, ""Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, and a free education!"" The passerby says, ""You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."" The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ""Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."" The person says, ""I not American, I Viet…

Blondes can be smart A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and…

The truth about America... A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, ""Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"" The passerby says, ""You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."" The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ""Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."" The person says, ""I…

What's the difference between New York City and the Land of Mordor? Two Towers.

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance: ""You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"" So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. The 1st fl…

Can I get a loan? This one's my absolute favorite because it's so true (I know cause I'm Iranian): An Iranian man walks into a bank New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the Iranian hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million dollars. ""The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,"" says th…

A Russian arrives in New York City... A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, ""Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, and a free education!"" The passerby says, ""You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."" The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ""Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."" The person says, ""I not…

Hot dogs Two foreigners arrive in America for the first time, in New York City. They step out into the city and see a hot dog stand. One says to the other ""wow - they eat dogs in America? Well I guess we should give it a try"". They each get a hot dog and sit down to eat. After a minute of just staring at his hot dog, one turns to the other and says ""hey... what part did you get?"".

A Japanese man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with another 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week. The teller said, ""Fluctuations."" The Japanese man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, ""Fluc you Amelicans, too!""

Joke I heard today from the lady running my football pool: A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. Box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodation, but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go. If you or someone you know would be interested and wanted to go instead of him, it's at St Peter's Church in New York City at 5 pm. Her name's Brenda. She will be the one in the white dress.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enj…

Arab and his son. An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: ""Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."" The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail f…

A man is struck by a bus... on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. ""A priest! Somebody get me a priest!"" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd but finds no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. ""A PRIEST, PLEASE!"" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.""Mr. Policeman,"" says the man, ""I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fif…

Cream Filling [Long] Ok, so there's this guy, who's about forty years old, and he's a ginger. You know, red hair, pale skin, freckles, no soul, the whole works, he's a ginger. and he lives by New York City. he doesn't live in it, he only lives by it, but he works in the city, and in his free time he enjoys going into the city. so one night he was out having a good time in the city and he has work the next morning. so he's taking the subway to work because that's how people in New York get to wor…

A Husband Store just opened in New York. A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance: ""You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"" So, a woman goes to the Hu…