New York City Jokes

Bank Loan A Chinese walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Taiwan on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The ba…

What time is it in New York City? 5 past Lundqvist

Where in New York City do lesbians most like to live? Manhatin'

What's the best thing from New York City? The train to Boston

Who doesn't like a blonde joke? A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's pr…

New York City is the only place where sound travels faster than light. I always hear the horn before the light turns green.

Joke from my management book A motorist was driving on the Merritt Parkway outside New York City when his engine stalled. He quickly determined that his battery was dead and managed to stop another driver who consented to push his car to get it started. ""My car has an automatic transmission,"" he explained, ""so you'll have to get up to 30 or 35 miles an hour to get me started."" The second motorist nodded and walked back to his own car. The first motorist climbed back into his car and waited f…

Blonde Jokes... duh So 4 blonde friends after graduating college decide to start a business together. After much debate they decide to move to New York City an open a mechanic shop. Being opened for more than a month the do not get any customers. Why? Because they open the shop at the 10th floor of the Newly constructed One world tower. Since the initial plan failed, they decide to buy a taxi as its a good business and has good money. They turn on the ""For Hire"" sign but still do not get any c…

A guy was handing out flyers for a Lebanese restaurant just now during my lunchtime walk in New York City. ""Feel awful? he asked me. No, I feel fine, thanks,"" I replied. But I wonder, do I look that bad?

The First Smartwatch (long) Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks, ""Have you got the time?"" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. ""It's a quarter to six,"" he says. ""Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!"" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. ""Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out"" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 8…

i watch inspiration Lester is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks ""Have you got the time?"" Lester sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. ""It's a quarter to six,"" he says. ""Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!"" exclaims the stranger. Lester brightens a little. ""Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out,"" and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 la…

Old Arabian Guy in New Work An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: ""Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."" The following day, the old man receives a respons…

I'm 10 times more likely to get mugged in Colorado than I am in New York City. Because I don't live in New York City.

Joke I heard while in Hungary Two cops are standing by the street side in New York City. A foreigner approaches them looking slightly panicked. ""Parlez vous Francais?"" He asks them. The cops, not knowing a word of French merely shrug their shoulders at the man. Frustrated, he asks them, ""Ustedes hablan espanol?"" Again, the cops merely shrug. The foreigner continues with the same result with Dutch, Russian, and German. Eventually, he leaves, knowing that there's no hope for him to communicate…

So my First ever joke on reddit, it starts with an immigrant to the United states. An Italian immigrant to the US, just arrived to Ellis Island. Lucky for him is Uncle is a citizen and could sponsor his entry. His Uncle also owned a fruit cart business in New York City. The young Italian knew no english when he arrived, so his Uncle taught him three phrases to aid him in selling fruit. The went like so: 1) Two for a nickle 2) Some are some ain't 3) If you don't, someone else will Things were goi…

Since a lot of people think Cinco de Mayo is commemorating Mexican Independence... Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the ""Titanic"" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. Mexicans were crazy about the stuff. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate(""desperados"") at the loss.…

The 30th anniversary of 9/11 It's the 30th anniversary of the attacks on the World Trade Center, a father and his 12 year old son are walking through New York City, looking at all of the plaques and memorials and that signified what happened on that day. They walk up to the One World Trade Center memorial building and the son looks at a specific plaque and says, ""Dad, what is this?"" The Dad responds, ""Well son, about 30 years ago a terrible thing happened. A few bad guys from the Middle East …

A Jew asks for a $5000 loan A Jew walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. The banker asks, ""Okay, jew, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"" The Jew says, ""Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."" The banker, stunned, asks, ""A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"" The Jew is completely positive. He hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at him. They check his credentials, make sure he is the title owner. Everything chec…

A blonde, brunette, and redhead get together for lunch in NYC. Three long-time friends, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead get together over lunch at a New York City deli. Since they haven't seen each other for a while, the brunette says to the redhead ""So you went to Alaska last month, right? What did you while you were there?"" The redhead replies ""Iditarod"". Surprised, the blonde looks up from her menu, and says ""Why'd you go all the way to Alaska just for that? Yankee stadium is right o…

An Asian guy walks into the New York City currency exchange with 2000 yen and walks out with $72. Next week he walks in with 2000 yen and gets $66. He asks the lady why he gets less money this week than last week. The lady says ""Fluctuations"". The Asian guy storms out, and just before slamming the door, turns around and says: ""Fluc you Amelicans too!""

I went to one those secret New York City rooftop concerts last night. Seeing FIDLAR on the roof was great!

Kosher Deli A man walks into a Kosher Deli in New York City and steps up to the counter. ""I would like zee bagel und lox please."" He says in a heavy German accent. The man pays, sits down with his food, and is clearly enjoying it. When he's done he walks up to the counter again and says, ""Zat vas amazing. I can't get food like zat back home."" The guy behind the counter looks at him disapprovingly and says, ""Now whose fault is that?""

What is the difference between New York City and the deep south? In the deep south they at least had a show trial before letting murders walk free.

The American businessman and the Mexican fisherman. An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The fisherman replied that it only took a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish. The fisherman said he had …

So this Jewish rabbi is tired of where he lives. He lives in New York City and everyday he hears stories about crime and sees drug deals and people getting mugged. One day he has finally had enough, and he packs up his things and leaves. He goes to the airport and tells the clerk to give him a random ticket to anywhere. He flies for a long time and arrives to the land of Sneed where are the people are called Snids. Things are going great until a week after he got there and he sees this giant ogr…