New York City Jokes

After getting all of The Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver in New York City notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. ""Excuse a-me, Your Holiness,"" says the driver, ""Would you please-a take-a your seat so we can-a leave?"" ""Well, to tell you the truth,"" says the Pope, ""they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."" ""I'm-a sorry but I cannot-a let you do that. I'd-a lose-a my job! And what if-a something…

Fantastic Watch Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks, ""Have you got the time?"" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. ""It's a quarter to six,"" he says. ""Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!"" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. ""Yeah, it's not bad. It's an invention of mine I've been working on. Check this out"" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every t…

Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a holiday in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla cage at the Bronx Zoo. The gorilla took one look at this beautiful young nun bent the bars lept to the ground and kissed her. Then he went back into his cage straightened the bars and resumed thumping on his massive chest. The nouns met again a week later and one of the nouns asked her friend""I have one question.Did he sent flowers afterwards...?""

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says ""Make me one with everything."" The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. ""Where's my change?"" asks the Zen Master. The vendor responds ""Change must come from within.""

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe McDonald's actually does serve beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: ""They don't serve BEER here you MORON!"" The German fellow felt pretty stupid but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look and begins to chuckle. ""And what's so funny?!?"" the New Yorker demands. ""Oh nothing really I just realized that you came here for the food…

A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk! He runs around and yells ""Hey bud this is my car!"" ""OK"" the man says ""You take the front and I`ll take the back.""

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. ""A priest. Somebody get me a priest!"" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest no minister no man of God of any kind. ""A PRIEST PLEASE!"" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. ""Mr. Policeman"" says the man ""I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years no…

Where is the most open green space in New York City? Central Pork

A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge remarked ""I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite.""

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks i…

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour the Englishman was a bit dismayed. ""Good heavens"" he said ""what is this?"" ""Why it's bean soup"" she replied. ""I don't care what it has been"" he sputtered. ""What is it now?""

A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks. ""That's a lot of chicks"" commented the proprietor. ""I mean business"" the city slicker replied. A week later the yuppie was back again. ""I need another 100 chicks"" he said. ""Boy you are serious about this chicken farming"" the man told him. ""Yeah"" the yuppie r…

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from New York City showed up. Never having seen anyone from the Big Apple at heaven's door Saint Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group. A few minutes later Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said ""They're gone!"" ""What? All of the New Yorkers are gone?"" asked God. ""No!"" replied Saint Peter. ""The Pearly Gates!""

Two college students Frank and Matt are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt on the other hand whips out his wallet pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile. The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity. ""What on earth did you do that for?"" shouts Frank. ""You know h…

During my stay at an expensive hotel in New York City I woke up in the middle of the night with an upset stomach. I called room service and ordered some soda crackers. When I looked at the charge slip I was furious. I called room service and raged ""I know I'm in a luxury hotel but $11.50 for six crackers is ridiculous!"" ""The crackers are complimentary"" the voice to the other end cooly explained. ""I believe you are complaining about your room number.""

Finally, a smart blonde joke. A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's pr…

I met a man from India and he gave me this one A Frenchman, an American and an Indian are on a plane. The Frenchman says to the stewardess "I can tell what city we are flying over just by sticking my hand out the window!" Of course she doesn't believe him so he say here, watch, and he sticks his hand out the window and proudly tells everyone "We are flying over Paris" Amused the stewardess asks "how could you know that?", well says the Frenchman "I just touched the Eiffel tower" Not wanting t…

An Australian man decides to visit New York City... An Australian man decides to visit New York City one day. After the long flight, he decides that he wants to wander around and see the sites. As he is crossing a busy street however, traffic picks up all around him, and he is stuck in the middle of the road. Several police officers notice his dilemma and halt traffic to help him out. One of the officers walks up to him angrily and asks "What's the matter?! Did you come here to die?" The Austr…

A man walks into a bar...... An Irishman man walks into a bar in New York City. He orders three whiskeys. The bartender pours him one and says, "Lemme know when you want the next one." But the man says, "I think you've misunderstood me. I'd like all three at once." The bartender pours two more drinks. The man drinks down the three drinks, pays, and leaves. This goes on almost every night for a couple of weeks. Finally the bartender asks the man why he orders three drinks at a time, since there…

Praying and Sleeping Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life. The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City. St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward. St. Peter then asks the second man…

Did you know a man gets run over by a car in New York City every five minutes? Whoa, he should really get out of the road!

"The watch" My dad just reminded me of this old classic! Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says. "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in …

Blondes are getting clever. A blond walks into a bank in New York City and asks for a loan. She is going on a two week long businesstip arround Europe and needs a loan on $800. The banker says that the bank needs some kind of security for the loan. The blonde hands over the keys for her brand new Mercedes, which is parked right outside of the bank. The banker says this will work just fine as security for the loan and accepts the car keys. The banker and his co-workers laughes at the blonde si…

A New York Blonde joke. A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president…

Materialism A Wall Street broker parked his brand new Lamborghini on the street at the front of his office so that all of his coworkers could see it and envy him. As he was opening the door, a cab flew by, clipped the door, and then kept going. The broker sat there for a moment in shock, staring through his windshield at the remains of his door, 20 feet in front of his brand new, very expensive car. He finally snaps out of it and is livid. He gets out of the car and screams at the fleeing ca…