Saint Peter Jokes

Saint Peter: Name M: David SP: You're in M: Even after that night in Nogales?! SP *winks* *takes a step* *trap door opens* SP: Sucka!

[Heaven] Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You're here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL Me: Too soon...

Three guys die and find themselves at the Pearly Gates Three guys die and go to heaven. They find themselves standing before Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, past the gates they can see a long road which seems to stretch up higher and higher into the clouds, and out of sight. Saint Peter looks to the first man and asks him ""How many times have you cheated on your wife?"" to which the man replies ""Never."" Then with a snap of his fingers a lamborghini murcielago appears on the road beyond the n…

A zebra meets God. All his life the zebra always wondered whether he was a black zebra with white stripes, or a white zebra with black stripes. He thought about this often but never came to an answer. Well, one day while he was out and about, he was shot by a hunter. When he arrived to heaven, he was face to face with Saint Peter. Realizing where he was, the zebra asked Saint Peter if he could as God a question. Before he knew it, the zebra was face to face with God. ""What is the question you w…

God will save me! A priest was on a cruise ship when the ship began to sink quite suddenly. Being a man who puts others before himself, he finds the smallest piece of driftwood that would support his weight, grabs hold of it and floats in the middle of the ocean. 15 minutes go by and along comes a rubber dinghy, almost full and the ship's captain on-board. The captain offered to take the missionary on but he refused, saying ""My dear child, please find someone else to fill my spot; the good Lord…

A preacher and a NYC taxi driver arrive at the Pearly Gates... Saint Peter takes the NY taxi driver first. Giving him a golden cloak, a mahogany staff, and lead him to the nicest part of Heaven. The preacher smirked to himself thinking he was in for an even better afterlife, for after all, the other guy was just a taxi driver. When Saint Peter handed him a silver cloak, an oak staff and lead him to a decent part of heaven, the preacher protested insisting there must be a mistake. The preacher as…

A minister and a lawyer at the pearly gates. A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments. ""Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, (to the lawyer) the keys to our finest penthouse suit."" ""This is unfair!"" cried the minister. ""Listen,"" Saint Peter said, ""ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we've seen.""

The Zebra in Heaven. My mom told me this awhile back, it made me laugh so I thought I would share. A zebra had died and when he got to the pearly white gates of heaven, he was greeted by Saint Peter. ""Welcome to Heaven."" said Saint peter. ""Wow, so this is Heaven huh? Its beautiful!"" said the zebra. ""Yes it is, now enter and live the rest of your life happy."" Peter told him. ""Well before I go Saint Pete, I have always wondered, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with wh…

This one I heard when I was in 8th grade. it's pretty darn funny. Three men die in a car accident and go to heaven. They walk up to Satin Peter. Peter looks at them and says ""Now,Let me explain how things around here in heaven work; You all will have a car based on how many times you cheated on your wife."" He looks to the first man ""How many times did you cheat on your wife?"" The first man replies,""None sir,I was faithful til the end."" ""Okay,You get this car."" Saint Peter gives him a bra…

A Christian is watching TV when he gets a flood warning. A Christian is sitting at home watching TV when a flood warning pops up. He's alarmed, but he has faith and decides to stay where he is and trust in God to rescue him. The water starts rising and the man is forced to go to the second floor of his house. He hears a knock on the window and sees a rescue worker in a lifeboat motioning for him to climb in. ""Come on! We've got to get out of here!"" ""No,"" the man replies. ""I am going to stay…

My grandfather told me, that before he dies he wants to learn Latin. Me: ""Why do you want to learn Latin before you die?"" Grandfather: ""So that when I die and go to Heaven, I can talk with Saint Peter and he'll be impressed by me talking Latin with him"" Me: ""But what if you go to Hell instead of Heaven?"" Grandfather: ""That won't be a problem... I already speak German""

In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owners little dog being around the bar, so were quite upset when one day the little dog died. Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail. The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the pearly gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to wh…

All engineers go to heaven All engineers go to Heaven because they spend their lives creating things so that others can use those inventions to live more comfortable. But one engineer accidentally got sent to hell. Saint Peter eventually noticed the mistake and went down to Hell to bring him to Heaven. Once he was there Saint Peter was met by the Devil. The Devils asked Saint Peter why he was there and Saint Peter explained why. The Devil refused to let Saint Peter take the engineer to heaven. T…

Heaven or Hell? While walking down the street one day, a political head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. ""Welcome to Heaven,"" says St. Peter. ""Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."" ""No problem, just let me in."" says the politician. ""Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do…

Christmas joke from my 85 year old Grandma during presents this morning Three men go out drinking one night, only to leave the bar and die in a car crash. They wake up at the gates of heaven to Saint Peter waiting, he tells them ""Oh i'm sorry we're incredibly busy today, its christmas eve don't you know. I'll tell you what, if you can show me one thing on you that reminds you of christmas I'll let you in."" The first man pulls out his keys and jingles them, ""these remind me of the bells at chr…

Three Nuns and Saint Peter Three little nuns were tragically killed in a car crash this past weekend. Being devout followers of the faith, their souls floated up to heaven. The three see the Pearly Gates and begin to approach the massive structure only to be stopped by Saint Peter. Saint Peter explains, ""The Boss set a new rule, in order to get into heaven, you must correctly answer a question relating to the Bible, or you will be banished to the flaming depths of hell for all eternity!"" The n…

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish... The first nun said with a blush, ""This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"" Sai…

A zebra dies and goes to heaven. Once there Saint Peter tells her she can ask God a single question. So she asks God ""I've always wondered, am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes."" God responds, ""You are what you are"" and disappears. She turns to Saint Peter clearly dissatisfied, ""All these years I've waited only to not get an answer, what does that even mean? "" Saint Peter looks confused and replies ""Well obviously it means you're white with black stripes"" ""How"" rep…

A guy shows up at the Pearly Gates [Long] Saint Peter welcomes him and says, ""Welcome! Before I let you into heaven, I'd like to look over your life actions to see if you were a good person."" The guy agrees and Peter opens his book. Saint Peter looks very concerned one moment, then very confused the next moment, and eventually the guy asks if there's a problem. ""Well, I'm troubled that I can't find one single good deed you've done in your whole life. That doesn't help you out. But I'm confuse…

Three men died on Christmas Eve Three men died on christmas eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. ""In honor of this holy season"" Saint Peter said, ""You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."" The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ""It's a candle"", he said. ""You may pass through the pearly gates"" Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook the…

You have to spell a word to get into heaven. A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her ""Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."" When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, ""This is such a wonderful …

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. ""In honor of this holy season,"" Saint Peter said, ""You must each present something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."" The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ""It represents a candle,"" he said. ""You may pass through the pearly gates,"" Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out his car keys. He shook them and said, ""They're…

Fidel Castro Dies and Goes to Heaven Castro finds himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter is there, surprised to see him. He says, ""Fidel, you've done so many awful things in your life, how did you get here?"" Castro says, ""It was the Pope. He blessed me and told me I must have been chosen by God, so I was certainly going to heaven."" ""Chosen by God? No, that can't be right. Why would he say that?"" So Castro tells him the story: ""When Pope John Paul visited Havana in 1998, I personally welco…

Holiday Joke Three polocks were walking down the street when they got hit by a truck.They all died and went to the gates of heaven where Saint Peter was waiting. Saint Peter said ok, I've got to give you a quiz to make sure you're good enough to get into heaven. So Peter ask the first polock ""What is Easter""? The first polock gets excited and says ""I know this one...that's when the guy with the big red suit comes down from the chimney""...BOOM! ...a bolt of lightning hits the polock and insta…

The Pope dies and goes to Heaven... When he gets there, he finds he's being judged at the same time as Donald Trump. Saint Peter declares that the pope is going to hell and Trump is going to heaven. The pope is outraged and asks how someone as pious as he is going to hell, and someone like Trump could achieve heaven. ""Well,"" says Saint Peter. ""When you were elected, you didn't do that much to increase piety in the world. But Donald Trump? After he was elected, we couldn't believe how much the…