Saint Peter Jokes

Entrance to Heaven Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they're met by Saint Peter. ""In order to get in,"" he tells them, ""you must each produce something representative of the holidays."" The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. ""This represents a candle of hope."" Impressed, Peter lets him in. The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. ""These are bells."" He's allowed in too. ""So,"" Peter says to the third man, ""what do yo…

3 Guys Die And Go To The Pearly Gates St. Peter was waiting for them at the gate and said, ""However faithful you were to your wife, that will determine the vehicle you will get in heaven"" as he pointed to another shining gate many miles in the distance. The first guy comes up to the gate and says, ""I never, ever cheated on my wife; she was the love of my life and I told her every day. "". St. Peter smiled and handed him the keys to a brand spanking new Ferrari. The next man stepped forward an…

A Rabbi, an Imam, and a good old boy redneck American Soldier are all in a plane crash and find themselves standing before St. Peter at the pearly gates. Saint Peter says to them ""You've each made mistakes in your lives that could delay your entry into heaven, but I'm willing to let all three of you in at once if you can find something good in your brother standing beside you."" The Imam looks at the Rabbi and says ""Surely this fellow man of God served his people and his temple well, no matter…

Three car salesmen have a wreck on the way to work They all arrive at the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter says ""Let me ask you a question before admitting you to heaven."" To the first he says ""My son, while on Earth did you lead a good life?"" ""Oh yes, "" says the first man,"" I had thirty years of marriage to a wonderful woman and I was honest in business"" ""I see here in the book you're telling the truth"", says Saint Peter, ""here are your keys to a brand new Mercedes to drive in Heaven"" T…

Castro joke I got from Cuban family members Fidel Castro dies and because he thinks he is so great he goes to heaven. Once past the gates though, Saint Peter stops him and throws him out being the the watchful eye he is. In hell, the devil meets castro and gives him a warm welcome and tells his demons to get Castro's bags and bring them to his room. Castro however forgot them in heaven and the demons promptly go to retrieve the bags. They get to heaven but the gates have already shut and the dem…

3 blokes died on christmas eve they all get up to the pearly gates, saint peter said ""sorry boys i cant let you in, unless you've got something christmassy on you"" so he said to the scotsman ""what have you got?"" so he fiddled around and come out with a set of keys and rattled them, and said 'I've got a christmas bell"" ""in to heaven you go my son"" he looked at the Englishman and said ""what have you got"" so he fiddled around and come out with a cigarette lighter and lit it, and st peter s…

A politician dies... And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name. ""So, you're a politician..."" ""Well, yes, is that a problem?"" ""Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"" ""Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??"" says the …

So these three blondes die trying to jump the Grand Canyon... Fortunately for them, they were all Christians, so they went straight up to Heaven and met Saint Peter at the gate. He put down his newspaper and greeted the women with a smile. ""Alright ladies, I have no problem letting you into Heaven, but you need to answer me one simple question- what is Easter?"" ""Oh that's easy!"" The first blonde steps forward ""It's that holiday when the Pilgrims came to America and we celebrate all of our b…

Pablo Picasso, Albert Einstein, and Donald trump arrive in heaven. Saint Peter tells them that if they can prove that they really are who they say they are, they can go in. Picasso starts painting immediately, creating a master piece. Saint Peter thanks him and lets him in. He then turns to Einstein, who explains the theory of general relativity to him. Saint Peter thanks him and lets him in. He then turns to Trump, who is looking bemused, and tells him ""If you can prove who you are, I will let…

A plumber dies and goes to heaven. He arrives at the pearly gates, but he cannot get in. There's a mile-long line at the gates. Saint Peter steps away from the gate and walks down the line to address the situation to the believers. ""Hello,"" began Saint Peter. ""As you can see, heaven is a bit backed up right now. Some non-believers have been shut out of hell and purgatory, and they were sent here. As you can see, there is a long wait to get into heaven."" ""I might be able to fix it,"" replied…

Jesus and Saint Peter are playing a round of golf... They approach a par four that bends left around a small pond then straight to the green. Saint Peter decides to play it safe and hit to the turn then layup to the green. Jesus then tees up and looks left over the pond toward the green. JC:""What do you think Peter? Think I can make it to the green in one over the pond""? SP: lol Mac:""Well what would Arnold Palmer do?"" SP: ""Well, Arnold Palmer would make it on in one with his 7 iron from her…

An Islamist dies and goes to heaven... One day, a Muslim dies, and goes to heaven. As he enters the gates, he sees a man with a halo and wings. He cries: ""Muhamet! It's you!"" and the man chuckles and replies ""No, I'm only Saint Peter. Muhamet is upstairs."" The Muslim then goes up the flight of stairs and sees another man. He cries: ""Muhamet! It's you!"" and the man chuckles and replies ""No, I'm Jesus Christ. Muhamet is upstairs."" The Muslim is pleased: Muhamet is on an upper level than Je…

A Muslim goes to Heaven and meets Saint Peter at the Gate. He looks at Peter and says ""This has to be a mistake. I demand to see prophet Mohamed right now!"" Saint Peter says ""Calm down. Would you like a coffee or a cappuccino or something to drink?"" The Muslim says ""No, thanks. But I don't think I'm supposed to be here."" Peter responds ""Alright, I'll let you sort this out with the manager here. You can enter until then."" The Muslim enters Heaven which is beautiful. He sees Jesus across t…

On day in heaven A person died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, ""What are all those clocks?"" Saint Peter answered, ""Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move. ""Oh,"" said the woman, ""whose clock is that?"" ""That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."" ""Whose clock is that?"" ""Th…

Heaven and Hell decide to schedule a baseball tournament... During one of their meetings to determine the time and place of the games, Lucifer quietly turns to Saint Peter.   ""Hey, we haven't told God about this yet, but we've got a betting pool going downstairs on who's going to win the tournament. Just about everyone is betting on Hell to win, even a bunch of the angels!""   Saint Peter looks back at him, shocked. ""How can that be? We have all of the greatest baseball playe…

It's Christmas and three men die in a fiery wreck. They arrive at the Pearly Gates and are met by Saint Peter. ""Since it's Christmas the anniversary of the birth of our Saviour, to get into heaven you just need to show me some Christmas spirit and you may have eternal peace."" The first guy takes out his keys and shakes them. ""Jingle Bells"" he says. ""Alright."" Says Saint Peter. ""You're in"" The second guy pulls out his lighter and lights it. ""Candle."" he says, ""Yup."" Says Saint Peter. …

Easter Joke Three men are waiting for Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates to get into Heaven. St. Peter arrives and tells them they can enter Heaven but first he wants to ask them a question. He looks at the first man and asks ""what is Easter?"". The man says, ""That's easy. It is when you put up a tree and put presents under it and Santa comes.... Saint Peter interrupts him and says ""No, that is not Easter."" He looks at the second man and asks ""What is Easter?"" The second man says, ""That's ea…

An Irish priest dies and goes to heaven... When he gets up to the pearly gates he's greeted by Saint Peter. ""Hello father O'Mally, you've lead a pious life and have spread the word to many followers but for your final test to enter into heaven you must answer 3 questions"" St. Peter asks Father O'Mally the questions ""How many seconds are there in a year?"" ""Which days in a week start with the letter T?"" and ""What is God's first name?"" Father O'Mally paused for a moment and asked St. Peter …

Three women die and go to Heaven... ...And they see Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. ""Welcome to Heaven ladies! We just have on rule here,"" he said and narrows his eyes to show the gravity of the one rule. ""Don't step on the ducks."" The women looked confused, but accepted the the agreement. ""How hard could it be to not step on a duck? I went decades on Earth and never stepped on one,"" said one of the women. When the gates opened and they entered Heaven, their jaws dropped with the sight of…

A dalmatian is very confused. He doesn't know if he's a white dog with black spots or a black dog with white spots. He is asking his friends to see if they can help him. He goes to Squirrel and asks ""Squirrel, am I a white dog with black spots or a black dog with white spots?"" The squirrel looks up to him and says in her squirrely voice ""That's a good question, I don't know."" The dalmatian then approaches his friend the cat and asks him the same question: ""Cat, am I a white dog with black s…

Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven Where they are met by Saint Peter. ""In order to get in,"" he tells them, "" you must each produce something representative of the holidays."" The first digs through his pocket and pulls out a match and lights it. "" this represents a candle of hope."" Impressed, Peter allows the first man through. The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. "" these are bells."" He says. Peter allows him through also. "" so,"" Peter says to third ma…

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. ""In honor of this holy season,"" Saint Peter said, ""You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."" The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ""It represents a candle,"" he said. ""You may pass through the pearly gates,"" Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ""They'r…

A sailor, an Airman, and a Soldier die and go to Heaven.... They arrive at the pearly gates and begin arguing amongst themselves about who should be allowed in to Heaven and who shouldn't. The Navy man says ""If we didn't give you guys a ride, you would have never gotten anywhere. I should get in."" The Airman says ""If we hadn't carpet bombed the beaches, the soldiers would have been slaughtered. I should get in."" The Army soldier argues ""If we had not stormed the beach, engaged the enemy and…

Margret Thatcher Walks Up to the Pearly Gates Saint Peter looks at her and says ""Is this some kind of joke?""

You Are Who You Are At the end of time all of God's creations were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates of heaven. Upon reception St.Peter allowed them to ask any questions they desired and they would receive an answer. Zebra stumbles to St.Peter, anxious to finally be able to ask his question. ""St.Peter, my whole life I have been so confused about who I am. I have black stripes and I have white stripes. But which one am I? Am I Black or am I white?"" St.Peter furrows his brow contemplating t…