Andy Jokes

When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you're reading this, I want my boomerang.

The ending for Toy Story 3 only Andy sells his toys to get weed money and makes a bong out of Mr. Potato Head.

*at an AA meeting* "Hi, I'm Andy and I have a drinking problem. I have 2 hands and only 1 mouth. Lol." *gets aggressively escorted out*

Carpet matches the curtains 10 year olds Andy, Ben, and Chuck are having lunch at school on Monday morning and Andy says, ""My Pa said that Mrs. Jones carpet doesn't match the curtains. What does that mean?"" Ben informs him that it is when a lady's pubic hair doesn't match the hair on her head. Chuck proposes that they see if their respective teachers, Mrs Adams, Ms Brown, and Mrs Carter have matching carpet and curtains. The boys spend the week trying to peek up their teachers' skirts. They me…

Andy Griffith's family are undecided on funeral arrangements. They may cremate, they Mayberry

Toys these days That awkward moment when your toys make three movies behind your back. -Andy

My friend, Andy has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. They are box seats plus airfare and hotel accommodations. He didn't realize when he bought them that the Super Bowl game is the same day as his wedding - - so he can't go. If you are interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Michael's Church. Her name is Donna and she will be the one in the white dress.

A Sunday School teacher asks her kids, what is Jesus' name? Johnny violently shakes his hand from the back. The teacher calls on him and he says ""Jesus' name is Andy"". The teacher, confused, asks ""What do you mean"". Johnny replies "" Well we always sing about him at church,"" Andy talks with us, Andy walks with us""

The Shawshank Redemption was filmed at a real reformatory in Mansfield, Ohio. The pipe that Andy escapes from was filled with cocoa powder and still smells like chocolate, even today. Yo mama so fat, that when I told her this, she ran there with a spoon. Yo mama so stupid, she got the wrong pipe. Yo mama so nasty, she still loved it.

An Irish priest dies and goes to heaven... When he gets up to the pearly gates he's greeted by Saint Peter. ""Hello father O'Mally, you've lead a pious life and have spread the word to many followers but for your final test to enter into heaven you must answer 3 questions"" St. Peter asks Father O'Mally the questions ""How many seconds are there in a year?"" ""Which days in a week start with the letter T?"" and ""What is God's first name?"" Father O'Mally paused for a moment and asked St. Peter …

So there were two men and a dog... Andy had just gotten off of work and was about to get on the subway. He sees a man and a dog right next to him. He wanted to pet the dog because he felt so depressed from work. ""Does your dog bite?"" asked the man. ""Ey, mate. My dog is the nicest dog of 'em all, wouldn't hurt a fly."" So Andy reached his hand up to pet the dog. He got his hand a bit close to its ear and CHOMP. The dog bit into his hand pretty far. ""Hey, dude! What's the big idea? I thought y…

Two recent philosophy graduates.. 2 recent philosophy graduates, John and Andy, embarked on a cross-country journey to better understand the meaning of life. They took with them their best friend, Bill, who was a college drop-out and a former drug addict who's now sober and helping his dad's business. John and Andy thought bringing Bill along would be helpful for his personal growth and Bill agreed to tag along. During the trip, John and Andy always made interpretations out of everything they sa…

What country does every one called Andy come from? Peru, because it's the home of the Andes!

Andy & Sally An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they had shared where Andy had carved 'I love you Sally!' On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, and not …

First Date Years back, before electronic car door locks, there were two brothers, Andy and Oby. Andy was 4 years older than 16 year old Oby. Oby had never been on a date and wanted to take out a girl he had met. So...he asked Andy for advice. ""I want to take this girl out for a walk and I just don't know what to do or say"" Andy told him ""It's easy. Just compliment her and everything will fall into place"". ""What do you mean"" asked Oby. Andy told him to compliment her on her hair ""your hair…

Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven One day, Forrest Gump finds himself in front of the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter is there waiting to let him in, but doesn't wish to let Forrest in. He can't outright refuse him entrance however, so he decides to test Forrest's knowledge. St. Peter tells Forrest that he is going to ask him three questions; if Forrest answers all three correctly, he will be allowed into heaven. Forrest agrees and St. Peter asks the first question. Starting simple to lead into toug…

No one believes seniors... everyone thinks they are senile. An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved ""I love you, Sally."" On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at the…

The Anti-English Irish priest There was once an Irish priest named Father Patrick, full of passion and zeal, who hated the English. While his congregation just accepted it as part of his eccentricity, it started to make them uncomfortable when this bigotry seeped into mass. It got to the point where a small group of them arranged to meet with a cardinal, with whom they shared their discomfort. The cardinal, also Irish, calls in Father Patrick - ""Faith, Paddy me lad! I understand that you don't …

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 2. Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must've been going about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. Are you Andy or Barney? 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 7. You're not going to check the trunk, are you? 8. I pay your salary! 9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a…

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas) 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. Are You Andy or Barney? 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 8. I pay your salary! 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer onl…

A Christian man had just died and was on his way to heaven. When he got to the gates of heaven he met an angel. The angel asked him what God's name was. 'Oh that's easy' the man replied 'His name is Andy.' 'What make you think his name is Andy?' the angel asked incredulously. 'Well you see at Church we used to sing this song 'Andy walks with me Andy talks with me.'

Knock Knock Who's there ! Andy ! Andy who ? Andy little gadgets to have door knockers !

Several years ago Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The …

Andy was away from school for 2 days because he had a flu. On the third day when he went back to school his teacher told him how he felt. I feel with my hands Miss !

Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: ""What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"" Andy says ""I would switch the points for one of the trains."" ""What if the lever broke?"" asked the inspector. ""Then I'd dash down out of the signal box"" said Andy ""and I'd use the manual lever over there."" ""What if that had been struck by lightnin…