Mrs Jones Jokes

Doctor: "Well, Mrs Jones, you are eating for two now!" Kate: "I'm pregnant?!" Doctor: "No. You have a tapeworm."

Carpet matches the curtains 10 year olds Andy, Ben, and Chuck are having lunch at school on Monday morning and Andy says, ""My Pa said that Mrs. Jones carpet doesn't match the curtains. What does that mean?"" Ben informs him that it is when a lady's pubic hair doesn't match the hair on her head. Chuck proposes that they see if their respective teachers, Mrs Adams, Ms Brown, and Mrs Carter have matching carpet and curtains. The boys spend the week trying to peek up their teachers' skirts. They me…

A pastor takes four earthworms and places them in different jars at the start of the service. Each jar contained something different, the first had alcohol, the second had cigerette butts and smoke, the third had all sorts of sweets, and the forth had good, clean dirt. At the end of the service, the pastor pulls the jars back out and removes the worm from the alcohol. ""Dead!"" exclaims the pastor. Next is the worm in the cigerette smoke. ""Dead!"". The worm in the sweets ""DEAD!"" Finally the w…

Mr. Jones falls asleep in church. Mr. Jones keeps falling asleep in church, and Mrs. Jones is not to happy with this. So one day she makes an appointment with the pastor and sits down with him to discuss it. She says to him, ""pastor I am getting tired of Mr. Jones falling asleep during church there has got to be something we can do about it?"" The pastor thinks and replies ""yes I have an idea leave it up to me I will give you the signal and you take this hat pin and poke him when I give you th…

Wake Mr Jones One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. ""Reverend,"" she said, ""I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"" ""I have an idea,"" said the minister. ""Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."" In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed of…

Mrs. Jones on the witness stand. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you h…

Forgiving Your Enemies Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, ""How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. ""Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"" ""I don't have any,"" she replied, smiling sweetly. ""Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"" ""Ninety-eight,"" she replied. ""Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and…

The kid was recreationally-challenged Hi Mrs Jones - can Johnny come out and play baseball with us? Now Billy, you have to know it's a terrible thing to make fun of a quadriplegic like that. I wasn't making fun, Mrs. Jones. We want to use him for home plate.

The transatlantic liner was experiencing particularly heavy weather and Mrs Jones wasn't feeling well. ""Would you care for some more supper ma'am?"" asked the steward. ""No thanks"" replied the wretched passenger. ""Just throw it overboard to save me the trouble.""

Mrs Jones: Now remember children travel is very good for you. It broadens the mind. Betty muttering: If you're anything to go by that's not all it broadens!

Girl: Did you like that cake Mrs Jones? Mrs Jones: Yes very much. Girl: That's funny. My mom said you didn't have any taste.

Bouncing neighbour... Jimmy had been hearing loud bumping noises coming from his parents room for the last 3 or 4 nights. The next night , the noises started again, so he goes to investigate. Quietly opening his parents bedroom door, he see's his mother bouncing up and down on his father. Quietly, he slips back to bed. The next morning,Jimmy asks his mom why she was bouncing up and down on dads stomach. Mom thinks for a minute , then tells Jimmy, "It's part of a new diet plan to help dad lose …

Medical miracle! An 80 year woman married an 85-year-old man. After about six months together, the woman wasn't feeling well and she went to her doctor. The doctor examined and said, "Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you're going to be a mother." "Get serious doctor, I'm 80." "I know," said the doctor, "This morning, I would have said it was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle." "I'll be darned," she replied and stormed out of the office. She walked down the hall and around …

The Doctor says: "Mrs Jones, I think your 7 year old is watching way too much TV" "How can you tell?" asked Mrs Jones "He just asked me if Cialis is right for him"

Lawyers -- Be wary of Grandma . . . Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and …

Forgiving Your Enemies Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," she replied. "Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell…

Anti Sleep Treatment One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed …

Grandma in Court! In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked: "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded: "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven't the bra…

Be afraid, very afraid Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, \- "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, \- "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and …

Anti Sleep Treatment One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. ""Reverend

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable? A: I used to be. Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. hen I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the p…