Saint Peter Jokes

A man died and went to heaven... ...As he stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, ""What are all these clocks doing here?"". St. Peter answered, ""This is the wall of Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth possesses a lie clock, and every time you lie, the hand on the clock moves."" ""Oh"" said the man, ""Whose clock is that?"" ""That's Mother Theresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie"". ""Incredible"" said th…

Two Jews at the pearly gates Two Jews arrive at the pearly gates of heaven and ask Saint Peter if they can come in. ""Certainly not!"" says Saint Peter, ""We don't allow your sort in here. Get lost!"" He then goes to tell Jesus proudly what he has done. Jesus becomes furious. ""Peter!"" he shouts, ""You can't do that! Quick, go and get them back."" Saint Peter runs off and comes back a few minutes later, puffing. ""They have gone!"" he says. ""Who? The Jews?"" asks Jesus. ""No,"" gasps Saint Pet…

A man dies and goes to Heaven... He's greeted by Saint Peter who explains that when someone new arrives he takes them on a tour. The tour begins and they come to a room full of people studying ""these are the Catholics"" Peter explains ""they partied down on Earth so they have to study here in Heaven."" ""I see"" the man responds, and the tour continues. He and Peter then come to a room with a big party inside ""these are the Baptists, they studied on Earth so they get to party here."" ""Oh, tha…

Arriving in Heaven! A man is standing outside the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter approaches and says, ""Can I help you?"" The man replies, ""No thanks."" He continues to stand on the clouds. ""Are you sure I can't help you?"" says Saint Peter. ""No. That's fine,"" says the man. Several minutes pass before Saint Peter approaches the man again. ""Look,"" he says, ""You do realize that if you're here, you're dead - right?"" ""Oh I realize that,"" replies the man. ""You realize that,"" Saint Peter rep…

Inception joke A taxi driver picks up a girl from a club and has to take her home. As the ride was quite long he asks her if she wants to hear a joke. She says yes and he starts: "" One day God sent Saint Peter down to Earth to perform a statistic of how many girls between 15 and 25 years old are still virgins. Saint Peter takes months to gather the information and compile the results and then he comes back. There were only 7 virgins in the whole world with age between 15 and 25 years. God was s…

A man dies and goes to heaven... He is standing in front of the pearly gates when saint Peter stands before him and asks ""What have you done to be here?"" The man says ""Well ten years ago I gave $1 to the Red Cross"" Saint Peter asks ""is that all?"" The man then says ""Well 5 years ago I gave $1 to some charity that I can't remember the name"" Saint peter asks ""is that all?"" The man then says ""yeah"" Saint peter says ""well in that case here is your $2 back and you can go to hell!""

Cilla Black arrived at the pearly gates She was greeted by Saint Peter who asked ""who are you and were do you come from""

Cloud Roulette Three men in a car get into a crash and wind up in front of Saint Peter himself. ""Ah, first vist of the day! Not that I wanted you to die..."" Saint Peter looks at a small clipboard and says, ""Names!"" All men respond with their full names. ""Okay then... What? That's odd... None of you are on the list! This is the second mixup this week! ""I'm so sorry for the inconvenience, let me ask God what I should do."" After a few minutes of Peter seemingly talking to God telepathically,…

The Gates Of Heaven One day 3 pastors and their wives were all at the gates of heaven. The first pastor and his wife went to St.Peter. ""I have loved and worshiped God all my life. Surely we will enter heaven,"" said the pastor. But Saint Peter replied, ""You are so greedy and need money so much you married a woman named Penny."" The next pastor said the same thing. ""You are such an alcoholic you married a girl named Sherry,""said St.Peter. The third pastor turned to his wife and said ""Come on…

A couple crash their car before getting married When they arrive at heavens gates they ask saint peter if they could get married in heaven saint peter says he will have a look. After six months he returns saying that they can. After one year they go to saint peter asking for a divorce. To which saint peter replies with "" DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO FIND A PRIEST? HOW AM I GOING TO FIND A LAWYER?!

St Peter and heaven joke perfect for Feb. 2nd Three Italians, Luigi, Mario and Giuseppe, go to heaven. Saint Peter stops them at the gate and tells them they have to take a test before they can enter heaven. ""You must tell me about Easter."" St. Peter says. Luigi steps up. (All speaking in the typical Italians accent) ""I know all about Easter. That's when this big a fat a guy brings toys to all kids"" St. Peter's says ""not even close off to purgatory for you"" Mario steps up. ""Mario knows al…

St. Peter... Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two young blacks from da hood arrive wearing dark hoodies and sagging pants. St. Peter looks out through the Gates and said, ""Wait here, I'll be right back."" St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. God says to Peter, ""How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"" St. Peter goes back to the Pearly…

Three Nuns Dies and Go To Heaven..... Saint Peter meets them at the gate and says ""I am going to ask each of you a question, if you get it right you can enter Heaven; but if you get it wrong you are going to Hell!"". He then turns to the first nun, a really smart brunette and says ""Who was the first man God put on Earth?""...Immediately she answered ""Adam"" so he opens the gate and lets her into Heaven. He then turns to the second nun, an average intelligence redhead and says ""Who was the fi…

Two poets die and go to heaven. When they arrive saint Peter tells them that he only has room for one poet in heaven. He decides that the fairest way to decide who gets in is to have a competition. He tells them that the one that makes the best poem using the word timbucktoo will be allowed in. After thinking for a while the first poet says, ""I looked upon the golden land, I looked upon the golden sand, a golden ship came in to view, its destination was timbucktoo."" The secound one looks a bit…

Laughter From the Pearly Gates An engineer dies and presents himself at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets And escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy One day, God calls Satan and says: ""…

Rednecks at the Pearly Gates Three rednecks in Arkansas are out drinking and four wheeling on Christmas Eve. They get drunk as a skunk, hit a tree, and all die and immediately go to heaven. Saint Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates and tells them that unless they have something on their person that can correspond to the Christmas spirit, they're doomed. The first fella easily pulls out a set of keys and jingles them around & says, ""These are the bells of Christmas!"" Saint Peter nods and s…

90 Year old Ukranian man told me this one: Three men die of natural causes and are in line at the pearly gates, waiting to hear if they will be saved or damned. When the first man gets to the front of the line Saint Peter says to him ""You have been single all your life, so you will go to hell because your life was like heaven"". The second man is now at the front of the line and Saint Peter says to him ""You have been married all your life, so you will go to heaven because your life was like he…

Three farmers (longish) Three farmers are down on their luck, and are on the verge of utter destitution. They have only one pig left, a skinny thing that - no matter what kind or quality or quantity of food it eats - shits it all out and gains no weight. The first farmer says ""We have to find a way to fatten up this pig."" Second farmer says ""But nothing we've tried has worked so far."" The third farmer says ""I have an idea. We take the rest of our money, buy a monkey, and train him to put a …

It's a little known fact that William Shakespeare and Lord Byron died on the same day. When they met Saint Peter at the pearly gates, he said, ""We are honored to receive two incredibly distinguished poets on the same day! Unfortunately we don't have room for both of you to enter today, so we're going to have to have a little contest. I'm going to say a word, and both of you have to make up a poem, on the spot, using that word. The person with the best poem gets in today."" They nodded their hea…

A sausage factory explodes... And one of the sausages hits a wandering angel. Puzzled by the object he goes to saint Peter and asks: ""Hey, Peter you have knowledge about the world of men , can you tell me what this is?"" Saint Peter takes the sausage , he looks at it for a while, tastes it, smells it and shurgs his shoulders. ""Take it to Virgin Mary she has lived in the world bellow more than any of us "" So the angel goes to the Blessed Virgin Mary and asks her to explain the obscure object. …

A Zebra Dies and Goes to Heaven When he reaches the pearly gates he is stopped by Saint Peter. ""Welcome to Heaven"" says Saint Peter, ""you may now ask God one question"". The Zebra says, ""oh good, I'm going to ask him if I'm a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes!"" So the Zebra enters Gods' chamber and says, ""God, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?"" God simply replies, ""You are what You are"". Disappointed the Zebra re…

Saint Peter isn't feeling too hot. He's been sick for ages, and the line at the Pearly Gates stretches out as far as the eye can see. One day, Jesus comes by and asks him how he's doing. ""Oh Jesus, I can't take it anymore, I mean, people die like every second, and I'm working by myself and doing all the paperwork, and I haven't had a break in a few thousand years!"" So Jesus tells him to relax, to go take some time off, and he'll cover for him. For the next few days, Jesus sits at St. Peter's d…

The butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker. Three men show up at the pearly gates and Saint Peter is has already had a long and tiresome day. Saint Peter tells the three men he will let them in if they tell him about a masterpiece they created and how they died. The butcher approaches the gates and says ""I had just finished cutting fillets from the most amazing tenderloin and when the jealous ex-husband of the lady I was seeing came in and stabbed me with my own knife. I have forgiven hi…

The Anti-English Irish priest There was once an Irish priest named Father Patrick, full of passion and zeal, who hated the English. While his congregation just accepted it as part of his eccentricity, it started to make them uncomfortable when this bigotry seeped into mass. It got to the point where a small group of them arranged to meet with a cardinal, with whom they shared their discomfort. The cardinal, also Irish, calls in Father Patrick - ""Faith, Paddy me lad! I understand that you don't …

A Little Known Fact About Heaven and Hell (My old coach used to tell me this joke all the time) There is a little known fact about Heaven and Hell. When they were created, God built a fence between them. God and Satan agreed that they would both keep their sides of the fence in good shape. Time went by and God upheld his side of the deal, but Satan let his side of the fence crumble into disuse. God had enough of this and went to Saint Peter. ""Saint Peter, I want to sue Satan for not upholding h…