Saint Peter Jokes

A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former husband Walter Smith. Saint Peter said ""We have five million Walter Smiths. Give us a little clue."" The woman said ""My Walter is bald and has blue eyes and he said that if I ever slept with another man he'd turn over in his grave."" Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. ""Take her to Turning Walter!""

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him ""What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"" The Lawyer thought a moment then said ""A week ago I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."" Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said ""Well that's fine but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."" The Lawyer said ""Wait Wait! There's mor…

Racist St. Peter Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies, and sagging pants, arrive. St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I’ll be right back." St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!" St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks …

A zebra died and went to heaven... Upon reaching the Pearly Gates he is greeted by Saint Peter. "Welcome, my creature, to the Kingdom of Heaven! Before entering I will answer one question your mortal body may have been concerned with!" Peter says. The zebra, who had always had one question on his mind, immediately asks, "I have been wondering this for quite some time, am I white with black stripes, or black with white stripes?" Saint Peter takes a second to ponder the question, and fin…

Hillbilly tries to get into Heaven Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates, Saint Peter told him that, because of severe overcrowding, all prospective heavenly souls had to pass an intelligence test to gain admittance. “Are you ready?” St. Peter asked? Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg shrugged. “Very well. Name two days of the week that begin with ‘T.’” Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg thought and thought. He furrowed his brows and looked at his boots. Finally, hi…

Zebra in Heaven A Zebra dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates Saint Peter tells him he can ask one question before entering. "I have always wanted to know if i am white with black stripes or black with white stripes?" "Only God knows this" he replied "You should ask him, down the hall last door on the left." So the Zebra trots off to see God. "What is your question my child" God ask the zebra. "Am i white with black stripes or black with white stripes" God looks him up and down and say…

Jehovah's Witness I was just wondering………..if a Jehovah’s Witness dies and goes to heaven and knocks on heaven’s door….. does Saint Peter answer the door or does he hide like the rest of us???

Three nuns get into a car accident 2... and are killed. Sisters Mary, Rose, and Kathleen arrive at the pearly gates confident that their entry was inevitable. They are met by Saint Peter, who explains to them that even though the spent their mortal lives in service to God, they were not gauranteed a place in Heaven. There were some questions that would need to be answered first. They are all very stressed out about the possibility of getting questions they might not be able to answer. Kathleen …

Pearly Gates A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in." The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, …

Ducks Three women die in an accident and go to Heaven. There Saint Peter says, 'We only have one rule - don't step on the ducks!' They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks everywhere. In fact, it's almost impossible not to step on a duck, and the first woman accidently steps on one straight away. Saint Peter comes along with the ugliest man the woman has ever seen and chains them together saying, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' T…

Three men approached the gates of heaven... Three men approached the gates of heaven where they were immediately greeted by Saint Peter. "Hello good sirs, and welcome to the Kingdom of God. In heaven we have but one rule: Do not step on a duck." "I'm sorry. Can you repeat that?" questioned one of the men. "Over the years, many misconceptions of heaven have arose. Yes, it's a pretty nice place. No, its not perfect, but its close. You see the only problem are the ducks. If you step on a duck it…

It's Christmas time at the Pearly Gates.. Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He…

Three friends die and go to heaven... When they get to the gate saint peter says, "Hi, welcome to heaven. You're going to have a great time. We only have one rule in heaven, and that is to never, ever, no matter what, step on a duck." "Ducks?" "Yes, if you do, you will receive a terrible punishment. You may enter." So the friends enter heaven, and much to their suprise, there are ducks everywhere. Every square yard there were probably 2 ducks. The first friend takes the warning lightly and …

The pope arrives in heaven... After decades of faithful service, the pope finally dies and ascends to heaven where he is greeted at the pearly gates by Saint Peter. "Welcome! For living such a good life and serving God all these years, you're welcomed to heaven and may go anywhere and see anything your heart desires for all time!" Pleased, the pope timidly remarks, "I have one request if I may... I have always been facinated by the words of the prophets and holy men in our church, recorded i…

A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates... ...and meets Saint Peter. She says, "I was supposed to look up my husband when I got here." Saint Peter asks, "What's his name?" She answers, "Smith." Saint Peter replies, "I've got hundreds of thousands of Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?" She responds, "His name is John Smith." Saint Peter says, "I got thousands of John Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?" She answers, "He's got red hair." He replies, "I have hundreds of…

Father John's Worst Round of Golf Father John woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So ... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father John headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up o…

The pope dies and goes to heaven He arrives at the pearly gates of heaven and meets Saint Peter. Saint Peter asks "What is your name?". The pope, expecting a warm welcome, reacts surprised. "I'm the pope!", he says. St Peter looks into his book but cannot find an entry for the pope. "I'm the head of catholic church, surely you must know me!" says the pope. St Peter doublechecks but can't find anything at all. The pope insists he should be more than welcome in heaven, so after a while, St Peter …

A man dies and goes to heaven but he sees there are a lot of clocks displayed at the Pearly Gates. The man is stricken with curiosity and asks Saint Peter. "Hey, what are those clocks for?" he asks. "Oh, those are the clocks of lies," Saint Peter replies. "Every time one tells a lie, their clock moves one minute from 12 o'clock. Look, there's Honest Abe's," points Saint Peter at a clock set at 12:02. "Here are those of our saints," Saint Peter points to another bunch of clocks, some at 12:05,…

It's a little known fact that William Shakespeare and Lord Byron died on the same day. When they met Saint Peter at the pearly gates, he said, "We are honored to receive two incredibly distinguished poets on the same day! Unfortunately we don't have room for both of you to enter today, so we're going to have to have a little contest. I'm going to say a word, and both of you have to make up a poem, on the spot, using that word. The person with the best poem gets in today." They nodded their hea…

LOVE LOVE LOVE ONLY After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her-"Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you". When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonde…

A man is speaking with Saint Peter at the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter asks him if he has done any good deeds in his time on Earth to merit entry into paradise. Thinking for a moment, he says, "I was once in a bar in Arizona. I noticed a beautiful woman sitting alone, but before I could introduce myself a bunch of Hell's Angels stormed in and started wrecking the place. Then they scooped the woman off of her bar stool and started throwing her around and terrorizing all of the other guys ther…

Some people from Detroit walk up to the Pearly Gates. A group of people from Detroit walk up to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter is confused, as no one from Detroit has ever arrived there. He leaves to speak to God. "There are some people from Detroit here. What should I do?" God thinks for a moment. "The usual, I suppose. Ask what they've done to get into Heaven." Saint Peter goes back to question the people, but comes running back moments afterword. "They're gone!" He exclaims. "The people?…

Three men who have just died arrive at the Pearly Gates... ...And are greeted by Saint Peter, who tells them "Welcome to Heaven. Before I can let you in, you each must tell me how you died." The first man approaches Saint Peter and begins to tell him his story. "I had good reason to think that my wife was cheating with me while I was at work, so today I came home early and went to my 50th floor apartment to confront her. She was surprised to see me, but she insisted that nobody else was ther…

Rock'n'Roll Heaven Stevie Ray Vaughan dies in his helicopter crash and goes to heaven. He is escorted by Saint Peter to a special area reserved for famous dead rock musicians. He is very honoured as he sees that he is in the company of Elvis, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, John Lennon, Buddy Holly and dozens of other famous faces from the history of rock. Then he spies Bono preening in front of a mirror. "Hey wait a second," he says, "Bono's not dead!" Saint Peter replies, "Actually, that's God…

A minister dies.. ..and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi-d…