Saint Peter Jokes

Saint Peter in Heaven So, I was in the mood for some ""Saint Peter in the gates of Heaven"" jokes... Anyone have something?

James Bond crashes. James Bond was driving his car with a very high speed when suddenly he lost control and went out of the road rolling down the hill. After some time he woke up, slowly went out of the car and suddenly he saw an old man with white beard standing next to him. Bond beaten the dust out of his clothes fixed his hair and said his famous phrase: - Bond, James Bond. - I'm Peter - said the old man - Saint Peter.

Golfing on the sabbath One day, a man named David decides to skip church to play golf. Up in heaven, Saint Peter sees this and reports David's sin to God. God says, ""I will punish him accordingly."" David plays a perfect game and goes home really pleased. Saint Peter sees this and goes to God and says, ""What gives? You said you would punish him, yet he gets a perfect score."" God smiles and says, ""Who can he tell?""

Politician's Choice (X-Post from /r/politics comment) While walking down the street one day, a politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. ""Welcome to Heaven,"" says St. Peter. ""Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."" ""No problem, just let me in."" says the politician. ""Well, I'd like to but I have orders from…

I demand to see Mohamed!! Yousuf died and was sent on up to heaven. As he approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter approached him to welcome him in. Yousuf politely told him ""Thank you very much, Saint Peter. As you may be aware, I am a Muslim, and would really appreciate being greeted by Mohamed."" Saint Peter replied, ""Certainly, if that's your wish. Take the staircase on your left and go up"". Approaching the top of the staircase, Yousuf was met by Abraham, waiting to welcome him into Heave…

skipping church Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, …

An Engineer in Hell An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan and says: ""So, how are t…

Elderly Couple Go to Heaven Together They both arrive at the pearly gates together and meet Saint Peter, who says ""Let me show you around"" He pointed to a mansion and said ""That will be your house, located next to the country club."" The old man asks, ""and how much will that cost?"" St Peter replies, ""oh there's no charges, it's free, you're in heaven"". He adds, ""the country club has no fees or costs either"" The old man is really happy by now and asks about food. St Peter says, ""Althoug…

And so Christmas Season Begins Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and sai…

Three men died on Christmas Eve... Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. ""In honor of this holy season"" Saint Peter said, ""You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."" The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ""It's a candle"", he said. ""You may pass through the pearly gates"" Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook …

St. Peter and the Lawyer A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. ""There must be some mistake,"" the lawyer argues. ""I'm too young to die. I'm only fifty five."" ""Fifty five?"" says Saint Peter. ""No, according to out calculations, you're eighty two."" ""How's you get that?"" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: ""We added up your time sheets.""

3 guys go to heaven... 3 men go to Heaven. They are greeted by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Saint Peter says to the 3 men, ""Welcome to Heaven. There is only 1 rule in Heaven. Do not step on the ducks. God loves his ducks more than anything else, and you will be punished if you step on a duck."" Saint Peter opens the gates, and lets the 3 men in. When they enter, they immediately notice that ducks are everywhere. They would have to be very careful not to step on the ducks. A few days go by. …

My contribution to Blasphemy day - A pothead died... and went to heaven. Upon reaching the heavenly gates, Saint Peter asked him: ""What was your occupation on earth my son?"" The pothead replied: ""I used to smoke a lot of marijuana sir."" Saint Peter then got a little confused in his head because he had never heard of anything called 'marijuana'. He then closed the gates with the hippie pothead out of heaven and went to check with the boss. Behind a pretty mahogany desk there was the Father/So…

In line at Heaven's Gate. A Lutheran, Muslim, and a Jew die in a car wreck together and end up in line at the Gate to Heaven together. The Lutheran walks up and Saint Peter asks his religion and then checks his books and says, ""Lutherans: room 11, but be very quiet going past room 4."" The Muslim walks up and Saint Peter tells him, ""Muslims: room 8, but be very quiet when you pass room 4."" The Jew steps up and is told to go to room 6 and to be quiet passing room 4. Curious, he asked Saint Pet…

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he…

Three men die and meet Peter at the pearly gates. ""In honor of this holy season,"" Saint Peter said, ""you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."" he first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ""They're bells."" Saint Peter said you may pass …

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked him, ""What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"" The lawyer thought a moment, then said, ""A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."" Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true. Saint Peter said, ""Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."" The Lawyer said, ""Wait, wait! There's more! Three yea…

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, ""Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"" The guy replies, ""I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."" Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, ""Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."" The taxi-driv…

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, ""Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"" The guy replies, ""I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City.""Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, ""Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom."" The taxi-driver goes int…

Heaven Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didn't think he would last the day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off. ""Why, Peter,"" Jesus said. ""You know your health is my first concern. Take as much time as you need."" As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the job himself. It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired …

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day decided he just had to play golf. So.... he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the associate pastor left the room Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee he w…

A cattleman from West Texas died & went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper ""Howdy Saint Peter. Say this looks just like Texas."" ""The gatekeeper replied ""First of all I'm not Saint Peter and second you really don't know where you are at all do you ?""

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: 'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?' 'Yes' the professor ansvered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital and I scored a goal which was off-side. But the referee did not se it so and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.' 'Well' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may …

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. ""Here is your oceanside condo over there are the tennis courts swimming pool and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."" ""Heck Gloria"" the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off ""we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran wheat germ and low-fat diets!""

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from New York City showed up. Never having seen anyone from the Big Apple at heaven's door Saint Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group. A few minutes later Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said ""They're gone!"" ""What? All of the New Yorkers are gone?"" asked God. ""No!"" replied Saint Peter. ""The Pearly Gates!""