Peter Jokes

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

Rejected Disney Movie Titles: 1) Find My Fish Son 2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs 3) Peter Pot 4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face 5) It's Cold

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it's that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands. I love this joke because it never grows old.

GOD: Peter, you will be heaven's bouncer ST PETER: What the hell, I don't want ST BERNARD (whispering): Shut up or he'll make you a dog

Jesus said to Peter, "Come forth and I will give you eternal glory." Peter came fifth and won a toaster.

And the Lord said to Peter "come forth and you will receive eternal life". But Peter came fifth and won a toaster.

Another joke translated to English from my Uncle. Little ""peter"" was in class when his teacher was talking about fruits, and she brought up the question, ""Which fruits can be sucked on or smothered?"" A boy raised his hand and said, ""An orange!"" The teacher replied, ""yes, correct!"" A girl raised her hand as-well and said, ""A peach, teacher!"" To which the teacher also agreed. Finally, little Peter raised his hand and said, ""A set of PJ's!"" The teacher, confused, said, ""no, you cant su…

Three friends die and go to heaven.. ..when they get there, they see St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter greets them and tells them that to enter heaven they must each answer one question, completely honestly. St. Peter calls the first man up and asks him if he ever cheated on his wife. The man tells St. Peter, ""I never cheated on my wife, I loved her everyday of my life."" St. Peter then welcomes the man into Heaven and tells him because of his faithfulness he gets to drive a Rolls Royce …

A zebra meets God. All his life the zebra always wondered whether he was a black zebra with white stripes, or a white zebra with black stripes. He thought about this often but never came to an answer. Well, one day while he was out and about, he was shot by a hunter. When he arrived to heaven, he was face to face with Saint Peter. Realizing where he was, the zebra asked Saint Peter if he could as God a question. Before he knew it, the zebra was face to face with God. ""What is the question you w…

An engineer in Hell An engineer dies and goes up to the Pearly Gates where St. Peter greets him. ""Come in, come in."" says Peter, ""We can always use another engineer."" But the engineer is not so sure he wants to go to Heaven. He is a builder and a doer and is afraid he will be bored. So he asks if he can have a look at Hell to see if he would like to go there instead. St. Peter says ""Sure, why not?"" and sends him down for a look. The engineer sees the fiery pits and the swamps and the heat …

Jesus has just been hung up on the cross... ...and the crowd that had gathered to see him had dispersed, except for Peter. As Jesus' head finally lolled forward, and his eyes closed, Peter walked down the hill, depressed. He was halfway down the hill when he hears ""Peter! Peter!"" So Peter races back up the hill to see his master one last time. ""Yes My Lord? What is it?"" ""Peter! I...I....uhhh"" Jesus' head again lolls forward and his eyes close. Saddened, Peter marches back down the hill. He…

Frank get's hit by a bus... Frank get's hit by a bus. He goes to heaven and meets St. Peter at the gate. He says to Peter: 'I know I'm dead, but I want to see my wife and children one last time!' Peter says:'Okay, but I can't send you back as a human, you'll have to go back as a spider. Also you have to go down from right here at the gates of heaven by your own spun thread.' Because Frank really wanted to see his wife and children again he aggrees and is transformed in a spider. He start to spin…

The Zebra in Heaven. My mom told me this awhile back, it made me laugh so I thought I would share. A zebra had died and when he got to the pearly white gates of heaven, he was greeted by Saint Peter. ""Welcome to Heaven."" said Saint peter. ""Wow, so this is Heaven huh? Its beautiful!"" said the zebra. ""Yes it is, now enter and live the rest of your life happy."" Peter told him. ""Well before I go Saint Pete, I have always wondered, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with wh…

So Jesus was in the midst of crucifixion... and Peter was emotionally devastated over the events that had transpired. He felt completely helpless, but he faintly hears Jesus calling his name, ""Peter....Peter.."" He tries to respond but the centurion guards had built up quite a barricade. Again he hears the calls, ""Peter... Peter..."" So Peter tries to usher his way through to hear the last words of his master, only to pushed to the ground by the mob. Jesus calls him one last time, ""Peter... P…

This one I heard when I was in 8th grade. it's pretty darn funny. Three men die in a car accident and go to heaven. They walk up to Satin Peter. Peter looks at them and says ""Now,Let me explain how things around here in heaven work; You all will have a car based on how many times you cheated on your wife."" He looks to the first man ""How many times did you cheat on your wife?"" The first man replies,""None sir,I was faithful til the end."" ""Okay,You get this car."" Saint Peter gives him a bra…

Bran Muffins An old couple, he 85 years old and she 83, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to the wife's interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite, and Jacuzzi. As they gasped at the splendor of their estate, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. ""It's…

Getting into Heaven: what's the worst thing you've done? These 3 guys have died and are waiting to get into heaven, and St. Peter has his checklist, marking off items to see if they can pass though the pearly gates. Peter asks the first one, ""What's the worst thing you did during your life?"" and the guy answers, ""Well, once I cheated on my wife."" ""ah-huh, and when was that?"" Peter asks, penciling that in on is clipboard. The guy says, ""Oh, about 20 years ago"" And Peter writes that down, …

You also need a potato... So Bob dies and goes to heaven, but before he can get in, he's stopped by St. Peter, who has a few questions. ""All right Bob,"" says Peter, ""first off, on what grounds are you applying for admission to heaven?"" ""Well, sir,"" says Bob, ""I was kind of relying on Jesus to help me out there..."" ""Ah, excellent,"" says Peter. ""Now let me see... ah, that lets us skip over questions 2 through 14... now, on to question 15... Do you like mashed potatoes?"" ""Mashed potato…

Manners In one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: ""Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"" Michael said, ""Just a minute I have to go pee."" The teacher responded by saying, ""That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it. ""Peter said, ""I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right bac…

Beware of young bull elephants for they may not know what they do. In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked…

How to train your husband Three women are talking about how to train their husbands. The german woman says: I said to my husband ""Peter, I won't iron your shirts anymore!"" On the 1st day I couldn't see anything! On the 2nd day I couldn't see anything! On the 3rd day, lo and behold, he ironed his shirts by himself. The french woman says: I said to my husband ""Jean, I won't clean for you anymore!"" On the 1st day I couldn't see anything. On the 2nd day I couldn't see anything. On the 3rd day, l…

[NSFW] The best joke ever told to me by a priest. On the day of the Crucifixion, Jesus was on the Cross, surrounded by a ring of legionaires, while his follows stood just outside the range of their spears. Among them is Simon Peter, Rock of the Church. Faintly on the wind, Simon Peter hears his Master's voice. ""Peter, Peter..."" heedless of the danger, he rushed forward, shouting, ""I'm coming, my Lord!"" But alas, he was grabbed by the soldiers, had his arms chopped off, and was thrown back to…

Bill Gates dies in a car accident, He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. ""Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."" Bill replied, ""Well, what's the difference bet…

A couple has twins. If one is named Peter, what is name of second child? Repeater.