Peter Jokes

A big city lawyer... A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra.He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, ""I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."" The old farmer Peter replied, ""This is my property, and you are not coming over here."" The indignant lawyer sai…

Three nuns waiting to get into heaven.. So three Nuns await at the pearly white gates to get into heaven. St. Peter tells them that they must each answer one question each correctly before being allowed in. St. Peter: First nun, your question is, who was the first man on the planet? First Nun: Oh that's an easy one, Adam! St. Peter: That's correct you may enter! Second Nun, your question is, who was the first woman on the planet? Second Nun: Well that was Eve of course! St. Peter: That is correc…

A Test WC in college. Three cubicles. Voice from the left: *Peter, professor passed you in philosophy?* Voice from the right: *No, he did not...* Voice from the middle: **And I won't!**

So I Tattooed a $100 bill On my Peter so my woman always has money to blow!

Heavens a bit full this week.... God calls St Peter to his office and tells him that heaven is getting pretty full today and that only people with unfair or horrible deaths can be allowed in. So, St Peter returns to the Pearly Gates, stands on his podium and he calls out ""all those that died an unfair or horrible death please form an orderly line here, the rest of you. Hell is through that door"" Peter then heads to the front of the queue and asks the man ""how did you die?"" The man replies ""…

Cloud Roulette Three men in a car get into a crash and wind up in front of Saint Peter himself. ""Ah, first vist of the day! Not that I wanted you to die..."" Saint Peter looks at a small clipboard and says, ""Names!"" All men respond with their full names. ""Okay then... What? That's odd... None of you are on the list! This is the second mixup this week! ""I'm so sorry for the inconvenience, let me ask God what I should do."" After a few minutes of Peter seemingly talking to God telepathically,…

Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly p…

margaret thatcher rejected from hell Margaret Thatcher dies and strolls up the pearly staircase to the pearly gates, where she is confronted by St. Peter, brandishing a clipboard. ""Name,"" says St. Peter. ""Margaret Thatcher,"" she replies. St. Peter checks through all the lists on his clipboard but cannot find the name of the former British leader. ""I am sorry,"" he says, ""you cannot come in. Your place is downstairs, in Hell. Mrs. Thatcher turns and walks down the stairs. A short time later…

The Queen's legs A local in a small village in England was facing a predicament. He'd just opened a pub, yet came to find that all the names he'd wanted were taken; The Queen's head, The King's Arms, so on so forth. Until he realised nobody had named a pub after the Queen's legs, and as such, he choose to name his pub 'The Queen's legs'. The new barman opened his pub and found it to be quite a success, being the only pub for miles around. Indeed 'The Queen's legs' attracted drinkers from all the…

Gospel of Andrew: Jesus Chooses the 12 Disciples Jesus summoned His twelve disciples and gave them authority over unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal every kind of disease and every kind of sickness. Now the names of the twelve apostles are these: The first, Simon, who is called Peter, and Andrew his brother; and James the son of Zebedee, and John his brother; Philip and Bartholomew; Matthew the tax collector; James the son of Alphaeus, and Judas Thaddaeus, Simon the Zealot, and Judas…

And God said to Peter, ""come forth and I shall give you eternal life"" Unfortunately Peter came fifth and won a toaster

Ever since Peter was rejected by another girl again, I feel nervous every time he enters the school building. But I'm sure he brings that gun for self-defense purpose.

Bill gates gets duped Bill Gates goes to purgatory. St. Peter says, ""Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go"". First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds. Bill chooses Hell. About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons. Bill say…

Incredible Story of Dr. Davis and an Elephant In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Victoria University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his kn…

Jesus vs The Sea Jesus after just been crucified reappears to his disciples to tell them for their kindness he will grant them a single wish before he ascends into heaven. The disciples gather together to confer and after much discussion Peter says ""Can you do that walking on water thing again?"" ""It looked pretty sweet"". Jesus nods in agreement, the next day they set out onto the sea of Galilee in Peter's boat. They travel a few miles from shore before anchoring, then Jesus stands up smiles …

How are children born? Little peter and little Johnny asked their grandma,""How children are born Granny?"". ""The Stark brings them in his beak my children"", said Grandma. Little Peter and little Johnny looked at each other and Little Jonny said ,""What do you think Peter, Shall we tell her?"" ""No No"" said Peter,""Leave her in her innocence""

Gospel of Andrew: Jesus Appoints the 12 Disciples Jesus summoned His twelve disciples and gave them authority over unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal every kind of disease and every kind of sickness. Now the names of the twelve apostles are these: The first, Simon, who is called Peter, and Andrew his brother; and James the son of Zebedee, and John his brother; Philip and Bartholomew; Thomas and Matthew the tax collector; James the son of Alphaeus, and Judas Thaddaeus, Simon the Zealo…

The pope dies... The pope dies and stands now in front of Simon Peter. Peter asks: Who are you? The pope answers: You don't know me? I am the pope, gods representative on earth! To what peter replies:W ait a second, i'll just ask him. Several minutes pass and Peter returns, not with god, but with Jesus. The three talk and after everything is cleared Jesus goes back to god who wants to know what's the matter. Jesus says: Remember that little fishing club i founded 2000 years back? It still exists…

Piano Man Peter walks into a bar and sees a miniature man playing the piano literally on the bar. Peter asks the guy at the bar how this little piano player got here. Without turning to Peter, the man stares straight ahead and says, ""I rubbed that lamp over there, made a wish, and here he is. Why don't you give it a try?"" Peter walks over to the lamp, gives it a rub and says, ""I wish for a million bucks!"" Within seconds, ducks start falling from the ceiling and filling up the bar. Peter, dum…

A Street gang approach St Peter at the Pearly Gates... One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a gang of men walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, ""God, there are some evil, thieving looking men at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?"". God replied, ""Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell."" St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling ""God, God, they're gone, they'…

They think they are the only ones here. A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, ""Religion?"" The man says, ""Methodist."" St. Peter looks down his list and says, ""Go to Room 24, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."" Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. ""Religion?"" ""Lutheran."" ""Go to Room 18, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."" A third man arrives at the gates. ""Religion?"" ""Presbyterian."" ""Go to Room 11, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."" The man says, …

St. Peter... Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two young blacks from da hood arrive wearing dark hoodies and sagging pants. St. Peter looks out through the Gates and said, ""Wait here, I'll be right back."" St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. God says to Peter, ""How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"" St. Peter goes back to the Pearly…

A woman and her puppy take a taxi ride. Since it's not her first language, she converses here and there with the cabbie in broken English all the while petting her small Yorkshire terrier, Peter. Finally arriving at her destination, the cabbie speaks up: ""That'll be $24.50."" The woman sets her dog on the seat next to her and pulls out her wallet, retrieving both a twenty and a five dollar bill before handing it to the man. ""You have change?"" The cabbie is obviously a little upset at the woma…

BILL GATES IN HELL Bill Gates goes to purgatory. St. Peter says, ""Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go"". First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds. Bill chooses Hell. About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons. Bill says t…

Mocking Religions is Bad, Mmkay? This reminds me of that story in II Galoshians 4:12-25 12.Children, remember when our Lord, Christ, hung on the cross, looking down toward his disciples and saw even Peter, who had denied him. 13. ""Peter,"" spake the Lord. 14. Peter heard his Lord speak his name, but no more, so he quickly tried to climb up and hear if Jesus had any last words. 15. Yet in his haste he slipped and fell and sprained his right knee, even as Jesus had said that morning, 16.""You nee…