Peter Jokes

During a huge storm, a man's city calls for an emergency evacuation As his neighbors are driving away, they offer him a seat in their minivan. He says, "No thank you. I believe in God, and God will protect me from this storm." The flood waters start to rise and the man is standing on his balcony. A family in a fishing boat come by and offer a space on their boat. The man says, "No thank you. I believe in God, and God will protect me from this storm." The storm starts getting even worse. His h…

Jesus on the cross.. After a brutal and tough day carrying the cross up Golgatha, the Romans nailed Jesus with no remorse to the heavy wooden structure. Golgatha was a grand hill, and as the cross was raised Jesus looked down upon all those gathered before him. He saw his wonderful mother Mary. He saw gods children. He saw Jerusalem in all its glory. But his eyes finally fell on his good friend and disciple Peter. "Peteeer", he called through painful breaths, "Peeteerr". Peter, the must loy…

The nervous priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the bishop how he had done. The bishop replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the …

3 gay guys are discussing what to do with their dead lover's ashes... The first guy says that Peter would have wanted to have his ashes spread in the forest because he was such a down to earth person. The second guy says that Peter would have wanted to have his ashes dumped in the ocean because his soul was pure and deep. The third guy says Peter would have wanted to have his ashes put into a soup mixed with the hottest peppers and spices so he could tear our ass up one last time.

An engineer dies and is arriving at the Pearly Gates... An engineer dies and is arriving at the Pearly Gates. He comes up to Peter and Peter looks in his book but can't find the engineer's name. Peter said to the engineer "Unfortunately, since I can't find your name in the book, you'll have to go to hell." The engineer goes on his way without any protest. A few weeks later, Peter is looking through his book and he finds the engineers name. He calls down to Satan, panicked, to try and correct h…

A bad day Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartme…

A man died and... A man died and went up to the Pearly Gates to stand before Saint Peter. Peter told him, “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us *any*thing you did that can help us make a decision?” The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Well, yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a man who was being h…

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?" Satan…

Jesus holds up the bread... Jesus holds up the bread and says, "This is my body." Next, Jesus hold up the wine and says, "This is my blood." After that, Jesus holds up the mayonnaise and Peter says, "That's enough!"

The engineer that went to hell. One day an engineer died and went to hell. He was a good Christian man who never sinned but Saint Peter made a mistake and accidentally sent him to hell. In hell the engineer thought to himself, "gee, it sure is hot in here", and so he built some air-conditioning. Then he thought, "I sure am thirsty", and built a brewery and started making beer. Later God and Saint Peter were reviewing the list of people who had died recently and God noticed that Peter had …

Jesus Christ is dying on the cross, his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, "Peter, come hither!" Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, "Peter, come hither!" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword …

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls... and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, " Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any…

The Nervous Priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor for suggestions to help him do better in the future. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. …

The last time I saw my friend Peter he was counting. "75, 76, 77..." he said, as he began to walk away. I don't know what he's up to now.

An Elephant Never Forgets In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after whic…

A lady goes to her priest one day... ... and tells him, "Father, I have problem. I have two female parrots that used to live in a house of ill repute, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hoo-kers! Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and rea…

A new priest is nervous about mass. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1.There are 10…

A rich guy dies and goes to the gates of heaven. He offers Peter gold, thinking he can buy his way in. Peter looks at it and says, "You brought me pavement?"

A bunch of scrap metal dealers are all killed together in a bus accident… They end up at the pearly gates and are greeted by St. Peter. Peter: What are you guys supposed to be? A big dirty guy in the crowd: We’re scrap metal dealers! Peter: How come there are so many of you? Big guy: We were at a scrap metal convention and were killed on the same bus. Peter: This is highly unusual. I better go check with the boss. Peter leaves the group waiting and goes to see God on his throne. Peter: …

A Man Died And Went To Heaven. (I wrote this myself): A man died and went to Heaven. He was a believer, but didn't go to church often. St. Peter meets him at the gates and says: "Before I let you in, you have to answer 3 questions." The man says: "Sure, go ahead." Peter first asks: "Who walked on water in The Bible?"The man replies: "Adam." Peter is confused and says: "No! Jesus walked on water! Alright, whatever. Question 2: Who turned water into wine in The Bible?" The man says: "Noah. He m…

Two men die and show up at the Pearly Gates together St Peter greets them. "Gentleman, welcome to Heaven. I've got bad news and good news for you. The bad news is that Heaven is currently full. There was some sort of screw-up in the scheduling department, and we don't have rooms for you guys. We won't have available rooms for 2 weeks. The good news is we'll send you back to Earth for those two weeks, doing whatever you want, in whatever form you want. What would you like?' "Well," says the fir…

A guy dies and arrives at the pearly gates... He approaches St. Peter at the gates. As he walks up, he can hear a cacophony of beautiful music. While all the songs are different, he can pick out each one, and the music all seems to blend together perfectly. In one area, he can hear Purple Rain playing, and it sounds perfect and beautiful. "Wait Peter, is that Prince??" Peter smiles and says "yes! He plays for us 24/7 here in the kingdom of heaven." The guy is elated. He hears an incredible …

I have three friends: Peter, Rob, “Bald Paul.” Paul, as you might have guessed, is bald. He’s very self conscious about it, so me, Peter, Rob constantly call him “Bald Paul.” Paul must have hit his breaking point because Friday night he showed up with a hairpiece. So now I have three friends: Rob, Peter, “Toupee Paul.” EDIT: I confused the term “self conscious” with the word “subconscious.” Whoops

St Peter wants a day off from the Pearly Gates And so he asks Jesus if he would mind covering a shift. ‘No worries’ says Jesus ‘what do I have to do?’ So Peter says ‘Ah not much, just welcome the souls as they drift through the gates. They will be chuffed to have the main guy to welcome them!’ And so Jesus begins his shift welcoming the good souls through the pearly gates. After a good few million souls have drifted through, he notices one that feels familiar to him. So he pauses the souls pa…

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the …