Francis Jokes

Y'all know Bill, right? Bill was bragging to his boss a day ago ""You know, I know a lot of pals. A *lot*. Pick any guy, famous or not, and I probably know him."" To confront this boring boasting, his boss calls his bluff. ""Ok Bill, how about Tom Hanks?"" ""No worry boss,"" says Bill, ""Tom is an old pal of my own, I will show you"" So Bill and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Hanks's door, and Tom Hanks shouts, ""Bill! What's going on? You must sit down with us, drink a pint!"" A…

Dave's Toast Dave O'Reilly was in the pub one night. When time came to give toasts, he hoisted his whiskey and said, ""Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, ""I won the prize for the best toast of the night."" She said, ""Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"" Dave said, ""Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."" ""O…

The Masquerade Party Dave and his wife are invited to a masquerade party. However, just before they leave, Dave's wife gets a terrible headache and decides to stay home. When Dave leaves, the wife takes an aspirin and goes to sleep. After a while, she wakes up and realizes that her headache is gone and guesses she would go to the party and see what Dave's up to. So she gathers her costume and leaves the house. Upon arriving at the party, she recognizes Dave's costume and sees that he's dancing w…

Pope Francis gets a new car. He's in Chicago for an appearance. His regular car is obviously not there and due to some mixup all they have is a huge SUV. When Francis sees this beast he thinks for a second. ""Hey, I've been kind of curious about these things. Do you mind if I drive?"" What are you supposed to say when the Pope asks that? ""Sure thing,"" says the driver. He hops in back and Francis gets behind the wheel. Francis is a little unused to all that engine power so they're lurching arou…

A frog hopped into a bank... ...dressed in a tiny tuxedo and approached the desk of first loan officer he saw. ""Good afternoon, madam. I am Francis the frog and I'd like to take out a $5000 loan."" The loan officer sat stunned for a moment then shrugged and smiled, ""I'm Patti Black and I'll be happy to assist you. In order to give out loans we do require a bit of collateral, though."" ""Certainly!"" Francis replied, producing a a tiny, white elephant from an unseen pocket and placing it upon P…

A lady goes to her priest one day... ... and tells him, "Father, I have problem. I have two female parrots that used to live in a house of ill repute, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hoo-kers! Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and rea…

Radio Station Contest A local radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali. DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?" Caller: "Hi, me name's Dave." DJ: "Dave, what's your word?" Caller: "Goan... spelt, G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'." DJ: "... You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would…

pope francis One day pope Francis dies and comes to the Pearly Gates. God himself is picking him up and guides him to his very own cloud. God leaves. Francis has his own harp and uses his time to praise the lord. After some hours god shows up again carrying a silver tray with a yogurt on it and a spoon. This repeats for some days. One evening the clouds beneath break up and he has a straight look into hell: he sees the devils making big fires and grilling half pigs, even half cows on the fire.…

So the Pope visits Queen Elizabeth II and she says ""Watch Francis! With a wave of my hand I can make every loyal subject go completly hysterical."" So she waves her hand and every loyal subject goes completly apeshit.