Daves Jokes

[at dave's who has like 9 dogs] me: "what d'you call a fly with no wings" dave: "keith dont" me: "a WALK!" [drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

ME: Dave's coming over for tea WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I'm having a secret affair with? DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don't eat peas

WIFE: Dave's here HUSBAND: Dave from work or Dave who always wears scarves? ME: [from downstairs] I got caught in the ceiling fan again!

Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave's body

COP: You're under arrest for owning a non-domesticated animal. ME:(looks at otter)You mean Dave? COP:...and for this weed ME: That's Dave's

[petting friend's new guidedog] so how did you get here? "he brought me" wow [later in bed w/ wife] did you know dave's dog can drive a car?

me: Dave's coming over wife: Nice Dave or Dave who picked a fight with a kid named Cancer? *Dave walks in wearing an "I Beat Cancer" shirt*

"Dave's coming for dinner tonight." "Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney...?" [from outside] "...hakuna banana."

"Dave's coming over." -Dave from work or Dave that doesn't know how doors work? [doorknob sorta jiggles for like 20 minutes]

Dave's life sucks So Dave is having a bad year, lost his wife house and job. It's been months and nothing is going right. A broken man he kneels to pray, ""god please I don't ask for much but please I need to win the lottery"". The lottery numbers are drawn and he is crestfallen so he tries again, ""please God I can't pay my bills or afford food please let me win the lottery"". Well numbers are drawn and Dave doesn't win. One last time he kneels to pray. ""God if I don't win the lottery I'm fini…

Dave's Toast Dave O'Reilly was in the pub one night. When time came to give toasts, he hoisted his whiskey and said, ""Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, ""I won the prize for the best toast of the night."" She said, ""Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"" Dave said, ""Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."" ""O…

The Masquerade Party Dave and his wife are invited to a masquerade party. However, just before they leave, Dave's wife gets a terrible headache and decides to stay home. When Dave leaves, the wife takes an aspirin and goes to sleep. After a while, she wakes up and realizes that her headache is gone and guesses she would go to the party and see what Dave's up to. So she gathers her costume and leaves the house. Upon arriving at the party, she recognizes Dave's costume and sees that he's dancing w…

Dave is constantly bragging to everyone at work that he knows everyone in the world. Eventually, his boss has had enough of his shit, and tells Dave to prove it. So, Dave says ""sure, name someone, and I'll prove to you that I know them."" After a minute of thinking, the boss suggests Tom Cruise, and so off they go to see him. Once they arrive at Cruise's house, Dave knocks on the door, and is immediately buzzed in. Tom Cruise comes running down the stairs and says ""Dave old buddy, good to see …

I was at my pal Dave's house yesterday... About five o'clock I told Dave I had a dinner party to go to. Dave's such a pal, he offered to give me one of his finest, live lobsters. ""Here"" he said lifting the lobster from the tank ""take this to your dinner party"". I took the lobster. ""Thank you"" I said ""but the dinner party is filled, so instead I'll take him dancing"". (I heard this one over the weekend and could not remember exactly how it went, so it may not be spot on...but I hope you'll…

What's Dave's favorite music genre? Meta.

Bob in the hospital Dave's friend, Bob, who suffers from chest cancer, was in the hospital when a pastor decided to visit. Then all of a sudden Bob couldn't breath and couldn't talk so the pastor gave Bob a pen and paper to right his last few words. Somehow he managed to write his last few words before he died. Two days later at the funeral the pastor was telling everyone how good Bob was and how he died, then he remembered the letter and the pastor took it out of his jacket and read it out loud…

Dave's shitty luck There was a man named Dave, and he was going on a hunting trip with his buddies. Luckily he's at the campsite when all of a sudden he gets a bad case of the Hershey squirts. Dave runs to the nearest tree and let's it rip all over the tree. In fact he's there so long he falls asleep. His friends come back, having killed a deer and see Dave squatting against the tree with the huge pile of shit under him. They think it would be funny to gut the deer and leave the entrails under D…

John waits for his two friends outside a movie theater. One friend shows up by himself. John says, ""Hey, where's Dave? We're gonna miss the movie."" The friend says, ""Dave's not coming. He's got explosive diarrhea."" John replies, ""Well that's a shitty excuse.""

Knock-knock Who's there? Dave. Dave's not here, man...

Final words on germanwings flight recorder: ""Dave's not here...""

So there's this kid and he loves Tractors... So there's this kid, and he loves Tractors. Like, lots. He's got Tractor wallpaper with Tractor posters, Tractor bedsheets, his shelves are covered in Tractor models and he wear a denim jacket all covered in Tractor patches. And one day this kid (let's call him Dave) is walking home from school when he spies the new Crop-Master 5000, the most advanced Tractor in the world, sitting in the field near his house. Naturally Dave has to take a closer look. …

My mate Dave's just got back from his third tour of Afghanistan. Hardest bloody bus driver I know.

Dave knows everyone there is to know.... Dave was bragging to his boss one day, ""You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I'll know them."" Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, ""OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"" ""No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."" So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, ""Dave! What's happening?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"" Alth…

Did you know people are getting paid to mention products in their Facebook statuses?.....That's as crazy as the low low prices at Dave's Furniture Emporium

My friend knows everyone... Dave was bragging to his boss one day: "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No drama boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impresse…