*gets out of bed* *steps on something* me: Ugh *turns light on* wife: What is it? me: The cat caught another smart car

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic* Wife: Hun, I don't think "flipping the bird" means what you think it means.

WIFE: Where's the dog? *flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer* ME: I let him outside.

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?