*gets out of bed* *steps on something* me: Ugh *turns light on* wife: What is it? me: The cat caught another smart car

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic* Wife: Hun, I don't think "flipping the bird" means what you think it means.

WIFE: Where's the dog? *flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer* ME: I let him outside.

[petting friend's new guidedog] so how did you get here? "he brought me" wow [later in bed w/ wife] did you know dave's dog can drive a car?