ME: Dave's coming over for tea WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I'm having a secret affair with? DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don't eat peas

[petting friend's new guidedog] so how did you get here? "he brought me" wow [later in bed w/ wife] did you know dave's dog can drive a car?

me: Dave's coming over wife: Nice Dave or Dave who picked a fight with a kid named Cancer? *Dave walks in wearing an "I Beat Cancer" shirt*

Dave's life sucks So Dave is having a bad year, lost his wife house and job. It's been months and nothing is going right. A broken man he kneels to pray, ""god please I don't ask for much but please I need to win the lottery"". The lottery numbers are drawn and he is crestfallen so he tries again, ""please God I can't pay my bills or afford food please let me win the lottery"". Well numbers are drawn and Dave doesn't win. One last time he kneels to pray. ""God if I don't win the lottery I'm fini…