To the citizens of the USA from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. In the light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except …

Y'all know Bill, right? Bill was bragging to his boss a day ago ""You know, I know a lot of pals. A *lot*. Pick any guy, famous or not, and I probably know him."" To confront this boring boasting, his boss calls his bluff. ""Ok Bill, how about Tom Hanks?"" ""No worry boss,"" says Bill, ""Tom is an old pal of my own, I will show you"" So Bill and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Hanks's door, and Tom Hanks shouts, ""Bill! What's going on? You must sit down with us, drink a pint!"" A…

Dave's Toast Dave O'Reilly was in the pub one night. When time came to give toasts, he hoisted his whiskey and said, ""Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, ""I won the prize for the best toast of the night."" She said, ""Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"" Dave said, ""Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."" ""O…

The Masquerade Party Dave and his wife are invited to a masquerade party. However, just before they leave, Dave's wife gets a terrible headache and decides to stay home. When Dave leaves, the wife takes an aspirin and goes to sleep. After a while, she wakes up and realizes that her headache is gone and guesses she would go to the party and see what Dave's up to. So she gathers her costume and leaves the house. Upon arriving at the party, she recognizes Dave's costume and sees that he's dancing w…