Jacob Jokes

JACOB MARLEY: 3 ghosts will visit you! ME: do u count? JM: what ME: you're a ghost. Do u count? JM: dude this the kinda shit they don't like

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: 'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes. Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?' Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.' Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?' Pharmacist: 'All kinds.' Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, sco…

Advice for the new guy A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass,…

Hutterites and the Bridge *This joke was sent to me in the traditional FWD: FWD: FWD: format from my grandpa.* Two Hutterites, Jacob and John, purchase some budgies from a pet shop and drive over to a bridge. From the top of the bridge, John looks down at the 200-foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.' He takes the two birds, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the bridge. Jacob watches as John falls all the way to the bottom. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Jacob s…

The New Priest Drinks Vodka A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his o…

The purple feather Billy was walking to school when he spotted a purple feather on the side of the road . ""A purple feather! I can't wait to show everyone"" he exclaimed. It was lunch time at school and Billy decided to show his friend Jacob. Jacob held the feather and asked ""how did you find this?"" Billy replied ""I was walking to school and I found the feather on the side of the road. Class resumes and Billy is in science class. Mrs. Martha tells Billy to go to the hallway and she follows. …

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After the mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" Next Sunday the new priest decided to take the monsignor's advice. At the beginning, he felt nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office, he found a note on the…

Amish Brakes An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy. Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home. That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care…

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, ""Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity."" ""Oh, my,"" said the father. What have I done?"" He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do. Jake said, ""Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we…

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, ""Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity."" ""Oh, my,"" said the father. What have I done?"" He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do. Jake said, ""Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we…

Jacob and the Lottery Jacob is a well to do Jewish man with a beautiful wife and 3 children. He owns a start-up business that has been doing quite well recently. However, his business suddenly goes bankrupt and Jacob goes to God for help. Jacob kneels at the altar and says: ""Lord I have always been faithful and have done my best to not violate the 10 commandments. I only ask that you let me win this week's lottery so that I may support my family."" Nothing happens and Jacob sinks deeper into de…

The New Priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" The next Sunday, the new priest took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his of…

Two guys go to a nightclub in the 19th century. They're friends with the owner. The owner has a kid named Tony, who no one has seen for weeks. The first, Jacob, goes off to have a drink, and the other, John, flirts with girls. John sees a hot chick, and hits on her for a while. A few minutes later, John walks back to Jacob. ""Dude, I just met the hottest chick ever! I think she said her name was Susan or something."" Jacob takes one look at Susan, grabs John, and throws him into their carriage. …

An ex-convict goes to church After the service, he approached the priest. 'I was in prison last month, and I saw someone perform one of Jesus' miracles!' 'Are you sure?' the priest asked incredulously. 'Yes! I'm going to visit him tomorrow; follow me, and I'll show you!' So, the next day, the priest and ex-convict went to the local prison, and asked to see the prisoner that performed the miracle. The warden allowed the priest and ex-con to enter his cell under strict supervision. The prisoner we…

Emergency Brake An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy. Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home. That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take c…

We would tease Jacob because he had glasses. Once we pulled them of him, but then he began to tease us because we had glasses.

The priests first week at work (long but worth it) A priest begins the first day of his new job and is extremely nervous about speaking to the congregation. While giving his sermon his anxiety gets the best of him and he freezes. All of those people hanging on his every word, and all he can do is stutter. He gives up and walks back to his office to sulk. Later that day the head priest comes in his office with a bottle of vodka and says "" when I get nervous I sip some vodka, everyone thinks it's…

A kid gets an allergic reaction in school... The teacher says, ""Oh my god! Jacob, can you breathe?"" Jacob replies in a gasping breath,""What does it look like?"" Jacob is then sent to the hospital where the nurse asks the teacher what happened ""So tell me, what happened to him during school?"" The teacher says, ""Well I knew he was allergic to strawberries........but he's such a sweet kid!

Jacob's 5th birthday. He wants to be a doctor as his parents. 5th birthday of Jacob who wants to be a doctor as his parents. His mom is a 'Ear Nose And Throat' doctor. His father is gynecologist. Guests approach Jacob with gifts asking if he want to be a 'Ear Nose And Throat' doctor as his mom or a gynecologist as his dad. Jacob thought about it a little then said: I want to be gynecologist. Why would you, they asked in astonishment. Cause I have no idea about ears and noses. Jacob replied.

Two Jewish friends... Kaleb and Jacob are drinking tee together. Jacobs wife brings them some of her special biscuits and Kaleb takes a great liking to them. After a while Jacob asks him ""would you like another?"" ""No, i can't; i must have had 4 already"" answered Kabel. ""Five actually, but who's counting.""

The missing sugar bowl Mrs. Fisher comes to visit her son Jacob for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Rachel. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Jacob's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Jacob and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's though…

My grandfather's favorite joke Two men are sitting at a bar one night, Danny and Jacob. Danny looks over to Jake and says ""My wife is gonna kill me; i'm drunk as a skunk"", Jake says ""Ah! you're fine have another beer!"" So Danny has another beer, and he ends up puking all over himself. Danny says ""Ah look at me, i gone thrown up all over myself, I'm drunk as a skunk, my wife is going to kill me!"" Jake reaches over and stuffs some money in his shirt pocket and says, ""Just tell her the guy n…

The new priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Bishop how he had done. The Bishop replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" So next Sunday the priest took the Bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he …

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: Are you the owner? The pharmacist answers, Yes. Jacob: Were about to get married. Do you sell heart medication? Pharmacist: Of course we do. Jacob: How about medicine for circulation? Pharmacist: All kinds. Jacob: Medicine for rheumatism …

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. ""Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."" ""Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."" ""That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of…