JACOB MARLEY: 3 ghosts will visit you! ME: do u count? JM: what ME: you're a ghost. Do u count? JM: dude this the kinda shit they don't like

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: 'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes. Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?' Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.' Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?' Pharmacist: 'All kinds.' Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, sco…

Advice for the new guy A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass,…

Hutterites and the Bridge *This joke was sent to me in the traditional FWD: FWD: FWD: format from my grandpa.* Two Hutterites, Jacob and John, purchase some budgies from a pet shop and drive over to a bridge. From the top of the bridge, John looks down at the 200-foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.' He takes the two birds, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the bridge. Jacob watches as John falls all the way to the bottom. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Jacob s…