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Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, ""Convert to Catholicism and get $100"". One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, ""Murray, what's going on?"" ""Abe,"" replies Murray, ""I'm thinking of doing it."" Abe says, ""What are you, crazy?"" Murray thinks for a minute and says, ""Abe, I'm going to do it."" With that, Murray strides purposefully

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Saul and Abe are walking down the street... And Saul grabs Abe by the arm and cries, ""Abe! I've got a riddle for you!"" ""Ok, Saul. Go ahead."" ""What's green, hangs on a wall, and whistles?"" ""I...You got me, Saul. What?"" ""A *herring*."" ""But...herrings aren't green."" ""Well, you can paint it green."" ""And they don't hang on walls."" ""Sure! You put a little nail in it, you can hang it on a wall."" ""and...and it doesn't whistle."" ""Ok, so it doesn't whistle.""

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Abe and Eva just aren't cutting it in bed... Ok. My last joke bombed. BOMBED. . Ok. So Abe and Eva? They're not quite getting the ol' magical finale in bed as they used to. After so many years of marriage, Eva isn't cresting the mountaintop. This concerns the pair of them, so they decide to visit their Rabbi for advice. . ""Rabbi?"" Abe asks. ""I just can't seem to bring Eva to climax anymore. And I know (as the Talmud says) that it is my responsibility to please my wife, so what can I do? I've

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Hutterites and the Bridge *This joke was sent to me in the traditional FWD: FWD: FWD: format from my grandpa.* Two Hutterites, Jacob and John, purchase some budgies from a pet shop and drive over to a bridge. From the top of the bridge, John looks down at the 200-foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.' He takes the two birds, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the bridge. Jacob watches as John falls all the way to the bottom. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Jacob s

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A man died and went to heaven As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, ""What are all those clocks?"" St. Peter answered, ""Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."" ""Oh,"" said the man, ""whose clock is that?"" ""That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."" ""Incredible,"" said the man. ""That's Abraham Lincoln's

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Clinton consults the past Hillary went for a walk one morning and came upon the Washington monument. She asked, ""George, what should I do?"" After a few seconds a ghostly voice replied, ""Abolish the IRS and start over."" She thought about this for a few seconds and continued her walk. Shortly afterwards she stepped up to the Jefferson Memorial and stopped to ask ""Tom, what should I do?"" After a few seconds Tom's disembodied voice replied, ""Abolish welfare and start over."" She thought about

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A man died and went to heaven As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, ""What are all those clocks?"" St. Peter answered, ""Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."" ""Oh,"" said the man, ""whose clock is that?"" ""That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."" ""Incredible,"" said the man. ""That's Abraham Lincoln's

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So a man dies, goes to Heaven, and sees St. Peter. There are many clocks surrounding him so the man asks, ""What are these clocks for?"" St. Peter replies, ""These are lie clocks, they tick once for every lie you tell. Here we have Mother Teresa's clock. She has never lied so the clock has not moved. Honest Abe has only lied twice in his life, so it has only ticked twice."" The man then asks, ""So where is George Bush's clock?"" St. Peter replies, ""Oh, that is in Jesus' office, he is using it a

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On day in heaven A person died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, ""What are all those clocks?"" Saint Peter answered, ""Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move. ""Oh,"" said the woman, ""whose clock is that?"" ""That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."" ""Whose clock is that?"" ""Th

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Lie Clocks A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those clocks?' St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.' 'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?' 'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.' 'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that on

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A man approaches the Gates of Heaven... ...when he sees that behind the gates are hundreds of thousands of clocks, each ticking at a different pace. He goes to the gatekeeper and asks, ""hey, why are there so many clocks here?"" The gatekeeper responds, ""Oh, each clock ticks however many times you've lied in your life per minute."" ""Interesting,"" the man responds. ""Whose clock is that?"" he says, pointing to a clock that isn't moving at all. ""That clock belongs to Mother Teresa,"" responds

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Abe & Becky are in bed .... Abe says to Becky 'Take off your nightie' to which Becky says 'No' Abe tries again 'Please take off your nightie'. 'No' says Becky. Abe is really frustrated, gets up and goes out for a walk slamming the door behind him - so Becky locks it. When Abe gets back he hammers on the door and asks Becky to open it which she refuses to do. Abe is really annoyed now so he batters the door down. As he is standing there Becky says :- 'What a man. Strong enough to batter a doo

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After i heard the the one about Abe and his wife trying to poison him... I remembered this one. A Polish man from Chicago married a Wisconsin girl after he had been in the states a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him ""very quick."" The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following quest

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Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, ""Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our

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Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies. He manages to make contact with Abe the next day. Abe says ""I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?"" Max replies ""Well it's great but I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here and in fact we're playing ""Sheherezade"" your favorite piece tomorrow night!"" Abe

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One night Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. ""George what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"" Clinton asked. ""Set an honest and honorable example just as I did"" advised George. The next night the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. ""Tom what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"" Clinton asked. ""Cut taxes and reduce the size of government"" advised Tom. Clinton didn't sleep well the next night and s

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Baseball heaven? There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?" Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you, and if you die first, you come back and tell me, if there is basebal l in heaven." They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poo

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A man died and went to heaven.. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "That's Abraham Lincoln's cl

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A Man visits Heaven and notices a wall of clocks... The man asks God, "What are all those clocks for?" "They represent each time someone lies. When they do, the clock moves one tick." The man walks around, observing the clocks. "Who right here has zero ticks?" he questions. "That would be Jesus' clock." replies God. "What about Abraham Lincoln's clock?" "Honest Abe has two ticks on his." Curious about the clocks, the man decides to ask, "Where is the President's clock?" God looks up at t

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After i heard the the one about Abe and his wife trying to poison him... I remembered this one. A Polish man from Chicago married a Wisconsin girl after he had been in the states a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following

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