Abraham Lincoln Jokes

If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.

Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.

All this "Kaine is boring" talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit

If Abraham Lincoln were alive today he'd probably run a really good blog about top hats and play bass in a Grateful Dead cover band.

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work] So the actors really don't die? "No" So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead? *she sighs*

"My microwave is broken" -Abraham Lincoln

Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

"The greatest thing about twitter is that you can quote something & totally make up the source." ~ Abraham Lincoln, 1862

Dream girl: -tall -skinny -can pull off wearing a hat -honest -a fan of the theater -abolished slavery -is Abraham Lincoln

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

Daniel Day-Lewis is so method that in preparation for the role of Abraham Lincoln in 'Lincoln' he spent ten months on the side of a penny.

It's ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.

[school] Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy? "Abolishing slavery." And... "Slaying vampires." Very good.

It's truly amazing what Abraham Lincoln accomplished while wearing such a big stupid hat.

I bet Abraham Lincoln would rather go watch another play than watch this debate.

Classic from Middle School George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Harry Truman are riding together on an airplane. They get to talking about how they want to be remembered. Lincoln says ""I'd like to help the poor, so I'll throw a penny with my face on it so they'll know who helped them."" He throws a penny out the plane window. Washington then says ""I, too, want to help the poor, but I want to give more, so I'll throw a quarter with my face on it so they'll know who helped them."" Truman fina…

So Abraham Lincoln walks into a bar... ...and says, ""I'll have a shot."" Did I just make up a new lame joke, or has this been done before? I think I need to sleep.

Ahhhhh Americans.... Americans: ""Please divert your coarse 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision Canadians : ""We recommend that you divert YOUR course 15 degrees South to avoid a collision"" Americans: ""This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I repeat, you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North."" Canadians: ""No, i repeat one more time. You divert YOUR course."" Americans: ""This is the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln, The second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fle…

Apparently Abraham Lincoln kept extremely detailed records of every single tree he cut down, detailing the type of tree, dimensions, even the location where it was cut, and more. They're called the Lincoln Logs.

How come Abraham Lincoln never went to jail? Because he was in a cent

Abraham Lincoln? I hear he was a big shot. Sad, though. His downfall was letting it get to his head. Happened to say this in a conversation about Lincoln. Felt it was pretty funny so I just had to post it here!

What did Abraham Lincoln say after recovering from a 3-day drinking binge? *""I set* ***who*** *free?""*

A man named John dies and goes to heaven. He arrives at the pearly gates and sees Peter. John goes up to Peter and says ""Where's God?"" Peter replies, ""The Lord has some business to do so I'm filling in for him. Do you want to take a tour of heaven?"" John says ""Sure!"" Peter and John go around heaven and see everything there is to see. John sees his childhood pet, his great-grandmother, and even says hi to Abraham Lincoln. In the final part of the tour, Peter takes John into an enormous room…

Kids first day at school! It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, ""Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?'Patrick Henry, 1775'he said. 'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'' Again, no res…