Abraham Lincoln Jokes

What would a depressed Abraham Lincoln do? Slit the writ of habeas corpus.

Internet Explorer is actually my favorite browser.. To download other browsers with Abraham Lincoln, 1863 -Morgan Freeman

When I was a kid I asked my Dad if Abraham Lincoln was jewish. ""Well,"" he said, ""he was shot in his temple.""

How do you know that Abraham Lincoln was Jewish? He was shot in the temple.

Abraham Lincoln was better at finishing plays than the Seahawks.

What did Abraham Lincoln say after a two week drunk? I freed what?

If it weren't for Abraham Lincoln, America really would have gone South.

A rabbi, a catholic priest and Abraham Lincoln. A rabbi, a catholic priest and Abraham Lincoln walk into a bar, the bartender asks: ""What is this? A Joke!?"" 20 Picaratas to the bloke who knows where this joke is from.

The US Navy Transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95. Americans: ""Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."" Canadians: ""Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."" Americans: ""This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."" Canadians: ""No, I say again, you…

Abraham Lincoln walks into a bar... The bartender says, ""Mr. President I am going to have to ask you to leave"" Lincoln asks ""Why is that?"", the bartender replies ""Last time you were around a shot you ended up on the floor""

George Washington was at a presidential dinner party... ...with his wife. They got separated and after awhile, George went looking for her. He saw Abraham Lincoln and asked if he'd seen her. Honest Abe hadn't, but promised to help George look. After a while, Abe saw George standing over with his wife. He went over to talk to them and said, ""Founder, eh?""

All work and no play... .... makes Abraham Lincoln a full term president. Im going to hell.

What do Abraham Lincoln and Ryan Fitzpatrick have in common? Neither of them can finish a play

Bubba applied to work for the FBI Bubba was not a smart man by any stretch of the imagination, but he very much wanted to work for the FBI. He took a trip up to Washington to take the admissions test, and after the test was scored, the agent in charge pulled Bubba aside. He said, ""Son, this may well be the worst I've ever seen anyone do on this test. I'm sorry, but it doesn't look to me like you know a thing about criminology or history, which are critical to this line of work. You didn't even …

Another Twilight movie? God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

Down at the office Bostwick boasted to one of his buddies ""My son Arthur is smarter even than Abraham Lincoln. Arthur could recite the Gettysburg Address when he was ten years old. Lincoln didn't say it till he was fifty!""

Talbot and his son James were called to Mrs. Cren-shaw's classroom. ""Mr. Talbot"" said the teacher ""I asked James 'Who shot Abraham Lincoln?' and he said that he didn't do it!"" ""Well teacher"" said Talbot ""if my kid said he didn't do it he didn't do it!"" Father and son left the school and on their way home Talbot turned to the boy and asked ""Tell me son did you do it?"" '

One of the bachelors in the apartment development sneaked up behind an older woman covered her eyes with his hands and said ""I'm going to kiss you if you can't tell me who I am in three guesses."" She quickly answered ""George Washington! Thomas Jefferson! Abraham Lincoln!""

Abraham Lincoln had a very hard childhood he had to walk 7 miles to school everyday. Well he should have got up earlier and caught the school bus like everyone else !

When Abraham Liebowitz gets to school he discovers that he is the only Jewish kid in the class. But it's a decent town and nobody really bothers him. One day the teacher asks the class ""Who was the greatest person who ever lived? and why?"" And to make it interesting she held a twenty dollar bill in the air and said ""whoever gives the best answer will get this twenty dollars"". All of the kids called out their guesses. One said ""George Washington - because he was the father of our countr…

In an 3rd grade American class room... The teacher is discussing U.S. presidents. "Who gave the Gettysburg Address?" she asked the class. Immediately a hand shot up belonging to a female Japanese foreign exchange student. "Yes?" the teacher asked. "Abraham Lincoln! 1863!" replied the girl proudly. "That's correct," said the teacher, "Now can anyone tell me who wrote the Declaration of Independence?" Again the Japanese girl's hand shot up. This time the teacher waited to see if anyone else…

Blonde interviews to be a policeman A blonde goes to an interview to be a police officer. The interview goes well until the interviewer asks some general knowledge questions. She does ok on the first few, until she is asked, " who shot Abraham Lincoln?" She tells the interviewer she doesn't know, and he tells her to go home and work on the answer. Her mom calls her later and asks how the interview went. She tells her mom, "great, they already have me working on a case"

President's Day jokes Q. Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping? A. Because he couldn't lie. Q. What do you call George Washington's false teeth? A. Presidentures! Q. What would George Washington be if he were alive today? A. Really, really, really old! Abraham Lincoln made many humorous quotes and jokes in his lifetime: It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues. Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. Better to re…

My dad CLAIMS to have invented this joke. I think it's too good and don't want to give him credit, but I can't find it online. This story takes place in 1860. Back 150+ years ago, presidental candidates didn't have nearly the luxuries current candidates do. The didn't stay in five star hotels or travel by private jet - they stayed with normal families on their campaigns and in exchange for a place to stay, would do chores around the property before they headed to a new city. In 1860 Abraham L…

A plane runs out of gas mid flight... While flying over the mountains, a pilot realizes his plane doesn't have enough gas to make it to the nearest airport. The copilot goes to check on the parachutes, while the pilot explains the situation to the passengers- Abraham Lincoln, Bono, George bush and a little boy and girl. The copilot comes back and informs them that there are only 6 parachutes. The pilot says "I helped fly the plane, so I should get one." The pilot jumps out with a parachute. The…