United States Jokes

United States: There's 5280 feet in one mile. Rest of the World: What even is that? United States: Lol, we made it up.

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.

Americans think of Canada as a United States cover band.

Amazing how in the last 30 years, the United States has completely transitioned from an industrial powerhouse to a brunch-based economy.

"Guess I'll turn on the news to see what the government is up to" - The President of the United States

[on a business trip to South Carolina] Nice to meet you. I'm from Philadelphia. "Welcome to the United States."

im leavin the united states now that trump is president i am packing my bags and moving to alaska i don't wanna live in this country anymore

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that "Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it's next to Mrs. Sippi."

Its official. Donald trump is the 45th greatest president of the united states.

I'm at a bar in the United States and there's still a lot of white people who are way too confident with their dancing abilities.

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

Most populated places in the world: 1. China 2. India 3. United States 4. Indonesia 5. Friend Zone 6. Hell

FUN FACT: Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.

Nativity scene in the Capitol The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol. The search for a Virgin continues. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

One day bush went jogging... One day Bush was out jogging and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river. Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river. After cleaning up he said, ""Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."" The first boy said, ""Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"" ""I'll personally …

Ahhhhh Americans.... Americans: ""Please divert your coarse 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision Canadians : ""We recommend that you divert YOUR course 15 degrees South to avoid a collision"" Americans: ""This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I repeat, you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North."" Canadians: ""No, i repeat one more time. You divert YOUR course."" Americans: ""This is the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln, The second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fle…

A Russian in the USA A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, ""Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, and a free education!"" The passerby says, ""You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."" The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ""Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."" The person says, ""I not American, I Viet…

One-Liner: Jobs growth in the United States is now down to just hair and fingernails.

The presidents of Serbia, Mexico and the United States were each granted the ability to ask God one question... The Serbian president first went up to God , and asked, ""Father, when will my country finally be rid of poverty and corruption? God paused, and then answered, ""In 300 years, my son."" The Serbian president began to weep, ""I won't live to see that day!"" Next the Mexican president went up to God and asked, ""Lord, when will *my* country finally be rid of poverty and corruption?"" God…

The truth about America... A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, ""Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"" The passerby says, ""You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."" The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ""Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."" The person says, ""I…

English ships start with HMS, United states with USS... what about Italian ships? AMB. It's stands for, 'Atsa Ma Boat!'

How many Russians does it take to elect the President of the United States? Just Trump.

Why hasn't there been a coup in the United States? Because they don't have a US Embassy.