United States Jokes

A joke from my grandfather who is a Indian man in the United States. Him: ""Muslims are going to vote for trump"" Me: ""Really?"" Him: ""Yeah. They want him to stop their parents from visiting constantly""

A young Gujrati boy named Jignesh starts attending public school in a small town in United States. The teacher of the school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks a question and the student to give correct answer gets $50 prize. She asks the class, ""Who was the greatest man that ever lived?"" A girl raises her hand and says, ""I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country."" The teacher replies, ""Well.…

Did you know that Lombard street in San fransisco is the second most crooked street in the United States? The most crooked street in the United States is Wall Street!

Trump & Hillary are on a boat. The boat sinks, who survives? The United States.

Two immigrants arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between the Old Country and the U.S. One of them says that he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend. ""What part did you get?""

An Italian guy named Vinny comes to America to become an American Citizen... To become an American citizen Vinny has to go to court and stand in front of a judge. Vinny brings his whole family to the courtroom to cheer him on. They are a very loud and rambunctious Italian family. Vinny stands in front of the judge and the judge says, ""Ok Vinny, before you become an American citizen I have to ask you a few questions about American history"" Vinny very confidently says, ""Hey, not a problem judge…

Thief and a congressman A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, ""Give me your money."" The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said ""You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman!"" The thief said, ""In that case, give me my money!""

You hold the power to save them... With all your honor and dignity, what would you do? Please don't answer without giving it serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important for the test to work accurately. You're in Florida ... in Miami, to be exact. There is g…

The breweries of the United States are planning to overthrow the government... It's a consbeeracy!

Why, with twice the population of the United States at the time didn't China invent the airplane first? Well, two Wongs don't make a Wright.

Patty and Mike immigrate to the United States with a bottle of whiskey. Two Irishmen, Paddy and Mike, immigrated to the United States with only the clothes on their backs and a 12 year old bottle of fine Irish Whiskey. They agreed to never touch the bottle until both had found their fortune, and they would share that bottle to celebrate. They both went on to amass fortunes, but they never seemed to find the time to get together and drink that bottle. One day, Mike gets a call from Paddy's wife, …

A Mexican Man Who is new to the United States is telling his friends about his recent trip to a baseball game. He says ""after I found my seat I was sang a song to by the whole crowd!"" His friends ask him what he means. He says ""The song they sang to me went something like this: Jose can you see, by the dawns early light.""

Hilary Clinton will be the first f president of the united states.... i was gonna say female but someone deleted the emale.

The President of the United States, a priest, the world's smartest black man, and an 8 year old girl are on a crashing plane with 3 parachutes... The President takes the first parachute and says, ""I'm the President of the United States, America won't be able to function without me!"" And jumps out of the plane. Next, the world's smartest black man takes the second parachutes and says, "" I'm the world's smartest black man, the world needs me!"" And jumps out of the plane. Finally, the priest sa…

English Speakers There are more English speakers in China than in the United States.

What do Ohio and Mackerels have in common? Nothing! Ohio is the only state in the United States that's name shares no letters with the word mackerel.

The Soviet Constitution (this is a joke from the time of the USSR, not mine, but I liked it) A Soviet diplomat visits the United States, and is shocked to hear people speaking their mind freely about their government. When he asks an American how he can do so, he replies: ""Our Constitution allows for freedom of speech."" Remembering that the Soviet constitution also allowed for freedom of speech, the diplomat went back to Moscow and started insulting the government, and was immediately arrested…

""Class, can anyone name the space probe currently orbiting Jupiter?"" **Exchange student from Nanjing, China**: Juno!   **Teacher**: I *do* know the answer, that's why I'm asking all of you. Does anyone else know the answer? Extra points to whomever answers it correctly!   **Exchange student from Nanjing, China**: Juno! Juno! *Juno!*   **Teacher**: Wally! That is it! Go to the principles office immediately! *Note that the exchange student is one of the top students in…

There were elections in the United States. Tom Hanks went to cast his vote. As soon as he came out of the polling booth after doing so, everyone started applauding. Why? It was a vote of T. Hanks.

Why is the United States always in political disarray? It's a nation without a litre.

What do you call a lazy immigrant ? A United States citizen

The United States Naval Construction Forces turned down a contract to build a new bridge between San Francisco and Oakland. Their representative said it'd ruin their image if they took on a project easy enough for BayBees

A Mexican immigrant goes to Walmart. A few days after entering the United States, and after days of walking, a mexican immigrant who does not speak English goes to WalMart in order to get some new clothes. He looks confused so an employee tries to help him out. First they go to the shirts, but the Mexican, shakes his head; then they go over to the pants and he again shakes his head. They move on to the next section and he gets very excited: ""Esso, si que es!"".

Dear Abby, My husband hasn't worked for the last 14 years. All he does is get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies. I know he's cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his granddaughters. I know this because he brags about this to me. He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive Champagne day and night. We sleep in separate beds because he's telling me he knows I'm a lesbian and my varicose veins and fat behind turns him off. Should I clobbe…

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...: ""Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."" ""Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."" With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, &there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imag…