United States Jokes

Which U.S Presidents are not buried inside the United States? Carter, the Bushes, Clinton, and Barry-O

Rich Arab This Rich Arab came to the United States from the Middle East. He was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said ""Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."" Achmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over …

The president of France, USA and Brazil are in a plane The french president puts his arm out of the window and say, ""We are in France!"". ""How do you know?"" the others president asked. ""I just touched the Eiffel tower!"".   So a little time later the president of the United States puts his hand out of the window and say ""Well, i can confirm that we are in America!"". ""How?"" the others asked. ""I just touched the statue of liberty!"".   Some hours later the president of B…

As a final test to gain citizenship into the United States.... A Chinese man and a Mexican man were required to use the the words: Green, Pink and Yellow in a sentence. The Chinese man went first and said: The Grass is green, there are Pink flowers in the park and the sun is Yellow. Great! said the agent, than looked to the Mexican man for his use of the words. With excitement the Mexican man said(with an accent): When the phone goes Green, I Pink it up, and I say Yellow!

The President of the United States and the Prime minister of Canada are comparing their bodyguards. The president orders his secret service agent to jump off a 40 foot platform. The agent heisitates and does so. The Canadian Prime minster now requests his highly trained guard to jump from the same spot. Guard replies: ""Here's a kilogram of cocaine. You jum....WAIT!! I WAS JOKING MR PRIME MINISTER!! SHITT!!""

Why are there no knock knock jokes about the United States? Because in America, freedom rings.

So my First ever joke on reddit, it starts with an immigrant to the United states. An Italian immigrant to the US, just arrived to Ellis Island. Lucky for him is Uncle is a citizen and could sponsor his entry. His Uncle also owned a fruit cart business in New York City. The young Italian knew no english when he arrived, so his Uncle taught him three phrases to aid him in selling fruit. The went like so: 1) Two for a nickle 2) Some are some ain't 3) If you don't, someone else will Things were goi…

The presidents of the United States, France, and Brazil are on a plane At one point, the president of the United States sticks his hand out the window and proclaims, ""We are flying over the US."" The others ask how he knows. ""Because I just touched the Statue of Liberty."" A while later, the president of France sticks his hand out the window and says, ""We are flying over France!"" The other two ask how he knows, to which he replies, ""Because I just touched the Eiffel Tower!"" Finally, hours …

They joke heard in every group of friends in the United States today. Straight Friend 1: HEY GUY, CONGRATS!!| Straight Friend 2: For what? Straight Friend 1: NOW YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND CAN GET MARRIED!! HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH OHHHHHHHH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OOOOHHHH AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

Sherlock Holmes and his assistant, Watson were visiting United States... Both came across a primary school and Sherlock turned to his assistant, ""Elementary, my dear Watson."" Watson replied ""No shit, Sherlock.""

In the United States they say ""It's ten o'clock, do you know where your child is?""... In France they say ""It's ten o'clock, do you know where your spouse is?"" And in Poland they say ""It's ten o'clock, do you know what time it is?""

I learned that Honey Bees in the United States developed a form of electronics - they're called U.S. Bees.

The Pope wants to drive The Pope gets into his limousine and his driver asks him where he wants to go just like any other day. The Pope replies: ""Today I want to drive. You're always driving me and I never got to drive in my life. Let me drive."" The driver then replies, ""But your holiness, I can take you anywhere you tell me.."" The Pope still determined to drive says ""It's ok, you get in the back and I'll drive this time."" The Pope buckles up and never have drove before, he's putting the p…

An Indian man visits the United States and after a week he starts feeling awful. He goes to some doctors to figure out what's wrong with him. He visited 10 doctors in total and none could figure out what's wrong with him. He finally decides to go to an Indian doctor. The doctor tells him to go home, shit into a bowl, and then to stick his face in the bowl of his shit. He is cured immediately. Turns out he was just homesick.

What do you call a bee that comes from the United States? USB.

Japanese Tourist A Japanese tourist comes back from Vacationing in the United states. He meets up with a friend right as he comes back. ""Hey Hoshito, I heard you went on vacation. How was it?"" ""I don't know Yogomotoshito, I haven't checked my camera yet!""

How do you lower the United State's debt problem? Elect a female president.

It's the Cinco de Mayo! It is a little known fact that since its inception, the state of Mexico has had a voracious appetite for the condiment mayonnaise. Indeed, this desire to have mayonnaise with all meals has influenced the very economy and national psyche. In 1858 the Mexican government struck a deal with the government of the United States to have a supply of mayonnaise delivered at once, at wholesale price, to last the entire country of Mexico for one year. It was to be delivered by ship …

(Political) Obama dies of a sudden disease while in Jerusalem The Jews take his body and offer the United States a deal on how to bury him: They can either pay a hundred dollars to bury him in Jerusalem or pay 1 billion dollars to have him shipped back to the US to be buried. The American government gathers together to decide. After much arguing, they tell the Jews they will pay the billion to have him returned. The Jews agree, but ask: ""Why spend all that money when you could have saved so muc…

Death sentance. A train conductor carrying millions of dollars of raw materials across the United States falls asleep on the job. Missing a crucial interchange, he runs the trains of the tracks and destroys all the cargo, wrecks the train, and kills four people in the process. After months of trials, lawsuits, and court dates, he receives a death row sentence. Months pass and finally the week of his execution arises. With three days left to live, an Holding Officer comes to his cell and walks h…

If the United States government had a reality TV show... It would be called House of Tards.

Did you know that World War II was classified as a ""total war"" by historians? [OC] Meaning that it involved the mass mobilization of a country's resources. Britain was one of the nations that really felt the effects of the so called ""total war"", as civilians played a greater role in the military than ever before. Even though they were geographically separated from the rest of Europe, they were hit hard by the war. German shipping blockades cut off foreign supply, which meant that supplies ha…

I told her I wanted to talk about us... and about how bad we are currently doing and that there are a lot of problems we needed to face together and solve... Turns out she thought I meant ""us"" as in me and her. I meant ""us"" as in the United States.

TIL that during the war of 1812, the United States government was so desperate for money, it was considering selling the US Constitution, as well as half of New England to the English Crown. nigga u dumb

I live in the United States. Upon taking some classes in France I notice a gorgeous bombshell pass me. I check her out hard. I guess you could say I was really studying a broad.