Den Jokes

I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I'm about to go over the 140 character limit...& den u no how it b.

A teenage boy shows up at his prom date's house for the big evening The girl's father meets him at the door, and asks him into his den to have a chat. The father closes the door and explains to the teen that his daughter is very precious to him, and he doesn't want anything to happen to her. As he finishes his sentence, he opens his gun case and pulls out a 10 gauge shotgun, aiming it at the teen. The kid's eyes go wide in panic, and the father tells him to drop his pants and jerk off. The teen …

New York Nun A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup. As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems. Slightly ticked off at having to listen to this, the guy said, ""Listen sister, I work hard for my money and …

A young man wanted to know the secret of life. So he asked a pair of wise, immortal, dolphin-like creatures. The dolphins told him they'd share their wisdom, but only if the young man completed their quest. ""First,"" said the male dolphin, ""you must venture out into the forest and locate the Golden Mina Bird. Place it in this magical bag"" -- and the dolphins handed him a golden, silk bag made of the finest materials -- ""and make your way to the edge of the forest."" ""There, you will come to…

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this: COSTELLO: CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO : I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOT…

The gorilla dies at an inner-city zoo... The gorilla dies at an inner-city zoo, right before it opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. How**e**ver, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storag**e** for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one. Q…

Edward Snowden was discovered trapped inside of one of his ski lodges this Saturday, November 19th. ""Edward Snowden Snowed in Snowden Snow Den.""

Hutterites and the Bridge *This joke was sent to me in the traditional FWD: FWD: FWD: format from my grandpa.* Two Hutterites, Jacob and John, purchase some budgies from a pet shop and drive over to a bridge. From the top of the bridge, John looks down at the 200-foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.' He takes the two birds, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the bridge. Jacob watches as John falls all the way to the bottom. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Jacob s…

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, ""Who's on First?"" might have turned out something like this: COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBO…

The Crusading Nun. A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup. As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems. Slightly ticked off at having to listen to this, the guy said, ""Listen sister, I work hard for my mone…

Tanjooberrymutts By the time you read through this you wil understand 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS' The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service in a hotel ... Room Service : ""Morrin. Roon sirbees."" Guest : ""Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."" Room Service: "" Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"" Guest: ""Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."" Room Service: ""Ow ulai den?"" Guest: "".....What??"" Room Service: ""Ow ulai den?!?... Prye…

What's for dinner? A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. No quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's what you do "" said the doctor, ""stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go …

A father and his 3 daughters. A father is sitting in his den when his 3 daughters approach him. The first says ""daddy, why am I named Rose?"" The father replies ""well when your mommy and I took you from the hospital, a rose petal fell on your head. So we called you Rose."" The next daughter asked ""daddy, why am I named Daisy?"" Again the father replies ""well sweetheart, when your mommy and I took you from the hospital, a daisy petal fell on your head. So we called you Daisy."" The third daug…

So A Donald Trump walks into a Bar He sees a Mexican in the corner. This causes him to get slightly triggered. The Mexican says, ""Donald Trump ass d'coolst Kaz am cool Kaz vun der Welt an Ennerstetzung Luxgsm an bauen Mauer ech well, datt eiser ganzer ze denken ass eng gutt Partie esou goen sot den Entweckler ennerstetzen si weess keng Suen weg wann ech glift wann ech glift."" Donald Trump replied, ""Ftoopt!"" and then he shot himself the emd

What can save Russian Bear Snow den.

Boudreaux's Annual Check-Up Boudreaux, an 80-year-old Louisiana Cajun, goes to the doctor for his every year check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape he is. ""How do you stay in such great physical condition, Boudreaux?"" ""I stay in de swamp and I hunt and fish every day,"" say de old Cajun. ""Dat's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out huntin' or fishin' ... all day. I have a beer wid breakfast and at lunch and wid my supper. An' I have a shot of hooch before…

Condemned By a Nun A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup. As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems. Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said, ""Listen sister, I work hard for my money…

Rich Arab This Rich Arab came to the United States from the Middle East. He was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said ""Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."" Achmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over …

German language is easy. The German language is relatively easy. Those who can speak Latin and are used to declinations, normally learn it very rapidly. At least that is what German teachers say in their first class. They start learning: der, die, das, des, dem, den and the rest just comes naturally. It's amazingly easy! If this doesn't convince you, let's learn German with an example. First of all, take a book in German. It's a splendid leather-covered book published in Dortmund. It is about th…

A man was going for a holiday to Acapulco, Mexico... But since he does not speak any Spanish, he is a bit worried if he will be alright. He talks to an old friend about his worries and the friend tells him ""Don't worry! Spanish is not so hard to speak. Many words are similar to english, so if you just speak slowly enough, I'm sure they will understand."" Assured, the man goes on holiday and arrives at his hotel. He goes up to the reception desk and the clerk greets him: ""Hola, senor."" The man…

Names please A black woman was filling out forms at the welfare office. Under ""Number of children,"" she wrote ""10,"" and where it said ""List names of children,"" she wrote ""Leroy."" When she handed in the form, the woman behind the desk pointed out: ""Now here where it says ""List names of children,"" you're supposed to write the names of each one of your children."" ""Dey all named Leroy,"" said the black woman. ""That's very unusual. When you call them, how do they know which one you want…

Popular German ""joke"" in Belgium Ask a german guy: Q: Haben sie etwas verloren? (Did you lose something?) A: ""confused"" Nein. (No) Q: Jawohl, den krieg, zweimal! (Yes you did, the war. Twice!) Proceed to buy him a drink :)

The Deaf Wife Problem Fred feared his wife Rhonda wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. ""Here's what you do,"" said the Doctor. ""Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.…

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant. He tells the waiter, ""I am starving, and I need tons of food. What ya got?"" The waiter replies, ""oh sir we have tons! We have orange chicken, jumbo shrimp, egg rolls, and Dim sum!"" ...dim sum... din sum... den sum... IT'S FUNNY!

BIRD BRAINED Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Sean says to Paddy; ""Dat''s Dem"". The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help. ""Yeah, we''ll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere"", says Mick, ""Put dem in a pepper bag"" The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave. They get into Mick''s van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 500ft drop. ""Dis looks loike a grand place"", says Mick. He then takes the t…