Seamus Jokes

The Guinness Brewery Mary O'Malley was waiting at home for her husband to come home from work at the Guinness brewery. While she was putting the finishing touches on dinner, she hears a knock on the door. Mary goes to the door to find her husband's friend/coworker, Seamus, on the other side. ""Oh, Seamus! Come in, come in! Please, make yourself at home, I'm just waiting for my husband to come back from work. Can I offer you some tea?"" Mary asked. ""No, thank you,"" replied Seamus. ""Mary, unfor…

Bob the Sailor, and Ollie the Octopus Bob the sailor walks into a bar carrying a large octopus. He announces to the bar that this octopus can not only talk, but he has a very unique talent which he will share with the crowd for $50 a turn. Bartender says ""There's no way that octopus can talk."" ""Sure he can. Ollie, tell the nice folks you can talk."" says Bob. ""He's right,"" says Ollie the Octopus, ""I can talk. I can also play any musical instrument."" ""True story!"" Says Bob the sailor "".…

Two Irish guys walk into a pet shop Seamus heads straight over to the back of the shop, knowing what he's looking for, and Finton follows shortly behind. ""Dats dem up der!"" Says Seamus, pointing at high up bird cage. ""Oi'll tek two a dem budgies up der,"" He says to the shopkeeper, ""an wouldya put em in a pepper bag?"" So they leave the shop, hop in a van parked out side, budgies in hand, and they drive off. They drive to the edge of a cliff with a 700 ft drop. They go over to the edge, wher…

Two Irishmen are looking for a job. They come across a sign, that reads, ""Tree Fellers"". Pat and Murphy look at each other and exclaim, ""If only Seamus was here, we would've had the job!""

Two Irishmen, who were the best of friends, made a pact. Two Irishmen, Seamus and Paddy, who were the best of friends, made a pact that when one died the other would pour a bottle of fine, aged, Irish whiskey over the grave of his deceased friend. The years went by and eventually Seamus passed away. As promised, Paddy purchased a bottle of fine Irish whiskey that had been aged for thirty years and took it out to the cemetery. He stared long and hard at the bottle and at Seamus's tombstone and a …

Two Irishmen are going out for a drink... It was Friday night, and Mick and Seamus were trying to figure out where to go. ""I know!"" says Seamus, ""There's this great pub across town we ought to try."" ""What's so great about it?"" asks Mick. ""Well, when you first walk in the door, they give you a free drink. They you go upstairs for a free shag. When you get back downstairs, you can have another free drink. Then it's back upstairs for another free shag. You can go on all night, drinking for f…

An Irishman visits the doctor and is told he is dying of cancer... Old Seamus visits the doctor and is told he is dying of cancer and has only a few months to live. He calls his son and invites him to meet him at the pub where he delivers the sad news. ""But son,"" he says, ""even on a gloomy occasion such as this one, 'tis our custom to drink to health and death alike, so let's raise a glass to the good times in our past and drown our sorrows about my impending demise."" The two of them make a …

Looking for a spot So this guy, Seamus, is driving around a parking lot, looking for a spot so he can run in and use the bathroom. After a good fifteen minutes of searching, he's frustrated and desperate, and decides to seek help from a higher power. ""Dear Lord,"" he says, ""If you help me find a parking spot, I'll start going to church and I'll stop drinking. I'll even call me ma from time to time."" Just then, he turns a corner and sees a beautiful beam if light shining down from the sky as t…

paddy and seamus are sitting at the pub, havin a pint, when they watch out the window as pastor richards knocks on the door of the brothel and is let it. 'tis a shem...' - says paddy. 'aye... tis a shem' - says seamus.. ' that a man of the lord should succumb to the sins of the flesh.' another pint or three later and they notice rabbi goldstein knock on the brothel door, and be let in. 'tis a shem' - says paddy. 'aye- tis a shem..' say's seamus. 'that a man of faith, whatever that is, should be …

Mick at the Sawmill Seamus and Mick found jobs at a sawmill when they arrived in America. One morning after wetting his whistle, Mick slipped and sliced his arm clean off. Seamus quickly placed Mick's arm in a plastic bag and rushed him to the hospital. The next day, Seamus was shocked to see Mick back on the job. ""It healed up nice and quick!"" beamed Mick. A week later, Mick drank too much again and severed his leg. Seamus ran over, bagged the leg, and rushed Mick to the hospital. Unbelievabl…

Paddy is plowing his field with a steamroller Seamus comes up to him and says ""Paddy, you don't plow a field with a steamroller you stupid bastard"". Paddy stops mid-field, looking at Seamus in disbelief. Finally, Paddy says: ""I'm growing mashed potatoes, you thick cunt"".

The job interview. Seamus was good at a lot of things, except working. Fed up with her freeloading son, Seamus' mom said that he had to get a job, and arranged an interview for him at the city hall in Dublin. So, on his way to the interview, Seamus decided to stop to have a pint or two for courage. Before he knew it, hours had passed and he had but fifteen minutes to get from the pub to downtown Dublin. He drove like a banshee and made it to the city hall with a minute to spare, but, as he circl…

Two Leprechauns Knock on the Door of a Convent. The Mother Superior answers. ""Em, 'scuse me, Mother Superior,"" the first leprechaun says, ""but you aren't after having any midget nuns in this convent?"" ""Why, no little man"" says she, ""we have no midget nuns in this convent."" ""Sure there aren't any midget nuns in the south of Ireland?"" ""No, little man"" ""Sure there aren't any midget nuns in the north of Ireland?"" ""No, little man."" ""So, yer tellin' us, Mother Superior, that in all of…

BIRD BRAINED Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Sean says to Paddy; ""Dat''s Dem"". The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help. ""Yeah, we''ll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere"", says Mick, ""Put dem in a pepper bag"" The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave. They get into Mick''s van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 500ft drop. ""Dis looks loike a grand place"", says Mick. He then takes the t…

Two Irishmen purchase horses from a farmer As they ride away, one says to the other ""Paddy, how are we to tell our two horses apart?"". ""Well, Seamus, 'tis simple: I'll cut my horse's ear, and that will show us it's my horse!""...and he cuts his horse's ear. Ten minutes down the road, they run into some brambles, and Seamus' horse's ear gets an identical cut in its ear. This causes the same argument to come up again, until Paddy says ""Seamus, I'll cut my horse's tail off, and that will show u…

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. ""Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients."" ""Yes, sir!"" answers Seamus. The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: ""So, Seamus, how was your day?"" Seamus told him that he took care of three patients. ""The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol."" ""Bravo, and the second one?"" asks th…

Great joke from a marriage counselor to my fiance and Iast night. In Northern Ireland there's a new Catholic priest in town at the ripe age of 25. He gives his first sermon ever, and the whole town is blown away and approaches him with lots of praise after he's finished mass. Feeling inspired, so much so that he tells the town that he will come and visit all of them for breakfast, lunch or dinner at some point in the next year. With 400 or so families in the town, this is quite the undertaking. …

Sean and Seamus open a pub... ...but it's not very successful. In the first week they'd only gotten three customers. By Saturday night and looking at an empty bar, Sean turns to Seamus and says, ""See? I told you we should have opened a brothel."" Seamus says, ""That's ridiculous. If they're not coming in for beer, they certainly wouldn't come in for broth!""

Seamus and Patrick were building a house. Seamus was hammering the cladding onto the walls on one side of the house, while Patrick was doing the same on the other side. After a wee while Seamus begins to notice that Patrick was swearing away a good deal more than he usually did, so he decided to wander over to the other side of the house to see what was wrong. ""Hey, Patrick, what's troubling you so mightily?"" asked Seamus. ""Well, you see, it's these nails,"" said Patrick, gesturing towards th…

An Irish Priest Visits His Parishioners... An Irish priest is travelling through the outskirts of his parish, visiting with some of his flock, when he comes across one of his parishioners on the road. ""Mary! Is that you? I haven't seen you or Seamus in months."" said the priest. ""Oh Father! Seamus passed away a few weeks ago."" replies Mary. ""That's terrible news Mary! Were you with him when he passed?"" asked the priest. ""Oh aye Father, I was."" said Mary ""Well, that's good! Did he have an…

A letter from an Irish mother to her son *This was one of the first forwards I ever got on my old dial up, so forgive me if yous have seen it before.* Dear Son, Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to sen…

Paddy dies a terrible death... Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy." The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at …

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. “Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.” “Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus. The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: ”So, Seamus, how was your day?” Seamus told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one…

A Card ”Man, am I scared!” confided Paddy to Seamus, looking furtively around the pub. ”I just got a card from a guy saying that he would shoot me if I did not stay away from his wife.” ”Well, stay away from his wife,” advised Seamus, ”and you have got no problem.” ”How can I?” moaned Paddy, ”he did not sign his name.”

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV. Seamus shook his head and asked, "Whoi t'e hell do they do that?" "Do what?" asked Mick. "Go on them boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down t'e hills, round t'e bends. Day after day, week after week. No matter if it's oicy, rainin?, snowin?, hailin? .. .. .. why would they torture themselves like that?" "Tis all for the prestige and the money," replied Mick, "You know the winner gets about a half a million Euros? "Yeah,…