Sean Jokes

Must be confusing for Sean Connery's grandchildren when he asks them to "Come shit on my lap."

My boss: "Sean, what do you know about Twitter?" Me: "nothing. Why? What have you heard?"

"It's a bird!" [Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy's face] S: Birds can't go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot

i just want someone to love me as much as sean penn loves haiti

I removed Sean Connery's limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig's arms & Pierce Brosnan's legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.

Pretty awesome that we have a black President. Maybe one day we'll even have a President named Sean.

A Jewish joke my Jewish grandfather sent me. One day at kindergarten the teacher said she would give anyone 10 dollars if they could tell her who the most famous man who ever lived. A little Irish boy said, ""It was St. Patrick!"" The teacher replied, ""I'm sorry Sean, but no."" A young Scottish boy said, ""It was St. Andrew!"" The teacher replied, ""Sorry Hamish, but that is not correct."" Finally, a young Jewish boy named Marvin raised his hand and said, ""It was Jesus Christ."" The teacher re…

Reddit, trade Sean Connery jokes with me (warning: contains shockingly bad puns) The joke I heard here that started it all: What time does Sean Connery show up at Wimbledon? *Tennish* Now, thanks to that discovery, I'm stuck in a tour van with four dudes and we are all hopelessly addicted. Here are what I consider to be our top ten: 1. Did you hear about Sean Connery's fish fry? *'Twas a bash* 2. What kind of trousers does Sean Connery sell at his pants store? *All shorts* 3. Did you hear Sean C…

Sean's been drinking stout all evening... Sean's been to the pub drinking stout all evening. He's very drunk and it's late. The barkeep announces ""Last Call!"" Sean protests and the barkeep tells him, ""Sean, it's time ya drink up a get yeself home."" Sean hoist his drink and drains it and commences to get up from the bar stool. Thud! He lands arms and legs akimbo on the floor. He struggles to rise but unable to do so he resigns himself to crawling out and literally drags his drunk ass out the …

Sean's been drunk... Sean's been to the pub drinking stout all evening. He's very drunk and it's late. The barkeep announces ""Last Call!"" Sean protests and the barkeep tells him, ""Sean, it's time ya drink up a get yeself home."" Sean hoist his drink and drains it and commences to get up from the bar stool. Thud! He lands arms and legs akimbo on the floor. He struggles to rise but unable to do so he resigns himself to crawling out and literally drags his drunk ass out the door. He reache…

Sean's been to the pub drinking stout all evening. He's very drunk and it's late. The barkeep announces ""Last Call!"" Sean protests and the barkeep tells him, ""Sean, it's time ya drink up a get yeself home."" Sean hoist his drink and drains it and commences to get up from the bar stool. Thud! He lands arms and legs akimbo on the floor. He struggles to rise but unable to do so he resigns himself to crawling out and literally drags his drunk ass out the door. He reaches the street corner …

The three stuttering Irishmen.. A very attractive young female speech pathologist was presented with three young Irishmen, all of whom stuttered. She spent many long hours working with them both individually and as a group. She tried everything in the book. Finally, totally perplexed by their lack of progress she called them all together one day. ""Paddy, Mick, Sean. I am at my wits end. I am willing to make you this bargain. If any of you, ANY of you can say the name of the town where he was bo…

Sean the overly literal sheepdog Sean, an overly literal sheepdog, was blessed with the ability to speak but also with a very literal mind. He completed his first day of work by getting all of the sheep in the pen as he was instructed. He approached the farmer and stated proudly, ""All 40 sheep accounted for, sir!"" The farmer gave Sean a confused look, ""But I only have 36 sheep."" ""I know,"" replied Sean, ""You said to round them up!""

No! No! No! I will not eat my vegetables! ...shouted young Sean, to his mother Yoko. Needing some help, she called out to the boy's father, ""John! John! Please come here!"" ""What seems to be the trouble?"" he asked. Looking up, Sean cried out, ""They taste terrible, they smell funky and they're an ugly green color! I will NOT eat my vegetables!"" Lovingly, John looked at his beautiful boy and said, ""All we are saying, is give peas a chance!""

Challenge: Change one letter in a move title to create a whole new blockbuster Examples: Pooper: BRUCE WILLIS finds out the hard way just how dangerous time travel can be. Tar Trek: WILLIAM SHATNER's quest to go where no man has gone before to make Canada a major oil producer. Gone with the Wine: Nicholas Cage drinks himself to death in the old south. 301: Dalmatians rescue ancient Sparta from cruel cats. Zardog: Sean Connery's dog wins Best of Show. Sin Citi: Kiki's bond ratings may have fallen…

Music Jokes! Jake: What did the Clarinet say to the naughty Trumpet? Sean: What? Jake: Why are you always in treble?

I heard Sean Connery's great grandpa was hung for lese-majeste. God, shave the Queen.

ISIS attempt on Sean Connery Sean Connery's barber thwarted two ISIS assassination attempts while Sean was in his chair. Later, a reported said ""Mr Connery, it seems as though your barber got you out of two predicaments"" to which Sean replied, ""More like, my bahbah shaved my assh! Twiyshhe!""

What is Sean Connery's favorite dish? A seizure salad.

Brotherly Love A new Irish pub opens in downtown New York. On the first day, an Irishman walks in and orders three pints of Guinness. He takes a sip from the first one, then a sip from the second and finally a sip from the third. He does this in turn until all pints are empty. This goes on every day for a few weeks, and since the barkeeper has never seen anything like this, he asks about this peculiar drinking habit one day: ""See"", the Irishman says, ""I used to go for a pint together with my …

Two Prized Cows Farmer O'Leary has two prize cows, Daisy and Buttercup. One day, he borrows the neighbors' bull and puts it into the field with the cows. The bull does not show much interest in the cows seems to be a swami! and soon Farmer O'Leary gets bored and goes off for his lunch. That afternoon, Father Fumble, the village priest, comes to the farmhouse for tea, so Farmer O'Leary calls his farmhand, Sean, and tells him to go out to the field and watch the bull. Sean is to let him know if …

What does Sean Connery's nemesis and the crater of a volcano have in common? They're both ash-holes.

BIRD BRAINED Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Sean says to Paddy; ""Dat''s Dem"". The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help. ""Yeah, we''ll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere"", says Mick, ""Put dem in a pepper bag"" The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave. They get into Mick''s van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 500ft drop. ""Dis looks loike a grand place"", says Mick. He then takes the t…

Jeopardy parody Trebek: This noise a doggy makes Sean: Moo! Trebek: I'm sorry thats incorrect. Thats what noise a cow makes Sean: Well thats what your mother said last night in bed. Sean: Take that Trebek. Ha!

Why did everyone bring a quiche to Sean Connery's party? It was leave your keys at the door.