Sean Jokes

How does a German call an Irishman? Komm, Sean!

While were at it, this is the joke I made up when I was 9 A football team is eating in the cafeteria and they're all waiting in line. Sean plays safety on the football team, and all of the sudden, he starts to cut the line! Everybody is upset: ""Why do you get to go ahead?"" They asked. Sean replied: ""Safety First!"" Corny I know, but I was convinced I would be a comedian

Sean and Seamus open a pub... ...but it's not very successful. In the first week they'd only gotten three customers. By Saturday night and looking at an empty bar, Sean turns to Seamus and says, ""See? I told you we should have opened a brothel."" Seamus says, ""That's ridiculous. If they're not coming in for beer, they certainly wouldn't come in for broth!""

Queer Irishman Sean: Did ya here the one about the queer Irishman? Brian: No. Sean: Seems he was spotted leaving the pub at 11 o'clock with a girl. Brian: So? Sean: Closing time's one.

Sean Connery's New Job Sean Connery's agent calls him up and says ""I've got an audition for you tomorrow about 10ish"" Sean says ""Great! I'll bring my racket""

A frog enters a bank... He walks up to the teller, an old Irishman named Sean Paddywack. The frog hops onto the desk and opens up a small satchel. Inside is a small figurine. The frog says ""I would like to take out a loan please,"" Sean looks at him and asks ""What do you have for collateral?"" The frog motions to the small figurine. ""This is it,"" The frog says. Sean is aghast. ""Mr. Frog, you cannot put up a figurine for collateral!"" The frog responds that this is all he has. The teller and…

Sean Connery walks into a library and asks for a book on solo photography. ""Shelf E,"" replied the librarian. ""Aye that's the one,"" said Sean

It seems three Irishmen Sean Michael and Tim passed over at the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly Gates they were met by ST. Patrick himself and he addressed the boys thusly: ""Lads I'm here to welcome you to heaven where you will spend eternity. Just remember one thing when you go through these gates don't step on any of the ducks or you'll be punished for eternity. Sean went in first and was amazed to see that the entire ladscape was encompassed by ducks and try as he might sure enough h…

Two Irishmen were walking down the street with two salmon each under their arms. Two other Irishmen walking in the opposite direction see the two lucky fishermen and ask "" how did you catch those ?"" Well its like this! Michael here holds my legs over the bridge and I grab the salmon as they swim up the river. We got four salmon A great days fishing! So the fishless pair look at each other and agree to give it a try. They get to the bridge and Sean calls to his friend ""hold my legs now Pa…

Three Irishmen Paddy Sean and Shamus were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. ""Come have a look over here"" says Paddy ""It's Michael O'Grady's grave God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."" ""That's nothing"" says Sean ""here's one named Patrick O'Toole. It says here that he was 95 when he died."" Just then Shamus yells out ""But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"" ""What was his name?"" asks Padd…

Paddy dies a terrible death... Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy." The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at …

The Most Famous Man Who Ever Lived One day at primary school, the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give 50 cents to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived." An Irish lad put his hand up and said, "It's Bono!" The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct." Then a Scottish boy put up his hand and said, "It's Sean Connery!" The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Harry, that's not right either." Finally, a little Jewish girl raised her hand and said…

An Irishman walks into a bar... An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. “No,” replied the Irishman “I’ve lost all me luggage!” “How’d that happen?” “The cork fell out!” said the Irishman. An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on…

My grandpa told me this one! One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the class of five-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who the most famous man who ever lived was." An Irish boy raised his hand and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct." Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either." Finally, a Jewish boy, Adam,…

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly... So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Paddy." The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burn…

Brotherly Love A new Irish pub opens in downtown New York. On the first day, an Irishman walks in and orders three pints of Guinness. He takes a sip from the first one, then a sip from the second and finally a sip from the third. He does this in turn until all pints are empty. This goes on every day for a few weeks, and since the barkeeper has never seen anything like this, he asks about this peculiar drinking habit one day: “See”, the Irishman says, “I used to go for a pint together with m…

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. " Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little shite, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me …

The Best Sean Connery Joke In EXISTENCE! (Read in Mr. Connery's voice) Ash I wash walking through my houshe, a book fell on me. I had only myshelf to blame.

Loose Church Women “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I’ve been with a loose woman.” The priest sighs. “Is that you, little Tommy O’Shaughnessy?” “Yes, Father, ’tis I.” “And who might be the woman you were with?” “I shan’t be tellin’ you, Father. It would ruin her reputation.” “Well, Tommy, I’m bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?” “I cannot say.” “Was it Patricia Fitzger…

An Irish boy's confession "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose Woman." The Priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is. " "And, who was the woman you were with," asked the Priest. " "I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say." "Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Sheilah O'Brie…

The Irish have a way with words. Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,looking like he’d just been run over by a train.His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. ''What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little sh!t, O'Conner," says Sean,"he couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand.'' "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,and a terrible…

A Brother in America An Irishman walks into a pub in Galway. “Bartender,” he says, “pour a whiskey and a pint for me. And pour a whiskey and a pint for my brother in America.” And so it goes, every round, night after night, for years. One evening, he walks into the pub. “The usual, Sean?” the bartender asks? “Not tonight,” the Irishman says glumly. “I’ll just have a whiskey and a pint.” Now the bartender is a sensitive man. He knows what this means. The Irishman’s brother has passed on. “Oh…

Two Irishmen went to Canada to look for work Heading up north, they came upon a logging camp with a sign saying "Tree Fellers Needed". "Look at that, Sean!" said one of them. "Shame there's only two of us."

An Irish Teacher asks her class An Irish teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our…

A book falls on Sean Connery's head ""Well