Northern Ireland Jokes

Tickle me Elmo There is a factory in Northern Ireland which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production…

Sad Times Just arrived home after seeing a good friend and fellow campervanner take his last, I was to honoured to have been there at the end. This was a man who had dodged a snipers bullet in the Falklands, had survived many armed patrols in Northern Ireland. A man who had walked away from a high speed motorbike crash. At the hospital, just before he went, he beckoned me toward him, he couldn't speak due to the pipes and tubes so I moved closer as he pointed at his mouth. I said I didn't know w…

Confessional booth Less common than we'd like to see in Northern Ireland: two young men, friends - one a Protestant, the other a Catholic, wander about the streets of a country village where they've decided to take the weekend off. And, fair to say, it's a bit boring. more than a bit boring, as they walk about the town. As they pass before a Catholic church, one friend tells the other: wait here a minute, I need to confess my sins. He walks into the church, steps into the confessional, and tells…

My dads from Northern Ireland and there they see things slightly differently. Just the other day I walked down to get breakfast and he was reading the paper. ""I can't believe how the Brits talk about their own soldiers"" he said pointing at his paper. I looked at the front cover and it was the Sun. The paper that makes Mein Kampf look like it was written by a bleeding heart liberal. I thought this can't be right so I went over and looked at the headline. Which was. The IRA are murdering bastard…

Great joke from a marriage counselor to my fiance and Iast night. In Northern Ireland there's a new Catholic priest in town at the ripe age of 25. He gives his first sermon ever, and the whole town is blown away and approaches him with lots of praise after he's finished mass. Feeling inspired, so much so that he tells the town that he will come and visit all of them for breakfast, lunch or dinner at some point in the next year. With 400 or so families in the town, this is quite the undertaking. …

Two Irish men are sitting in bar in New York.... The one Irish man turns to the other and asks him where he is from. The second Irish man responds by saying, " I'm from northern Ireland." "Me too!" Says the first Irish man. He proceeds to ask the second Irish man where he went to school. "St. Mary's Catholic church" "Me too! What year did you graduate?" "1974" "Oh! Me too" they went on for a while discussing the similarities between their lives. One local turns to the bartender and asks, "Wha…

Tickle me Elmo Tickle me Elmo There is a factory in Northern Ireland which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putt…

Why don't the French enjoy travelling to Northern Ireland? Because they don't like the smell of Derry air.