France Jokes

Lance Armstrong revealed this Tour De France will be his last, again. Not even Brett Favre believes him anymore.

I see London. I see France. This is a very comprehensive Atlas.

Barry? Yes Joe Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we'd eat at the Pizza Hut in France No Joe *Biden slams fist* THIS IS BULLSHIT

What idiot called it "CSI: France - Murder in a Bakery" instead of "Baguette and Tag It"

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

*Vladimir Putin dining* I want Russian fries "They're French fries" Not for long *crosses Ukraine out on agenda & lists France* Not for long

If you swap the fried cheese for cheese, the beer for wine and the cheese art for actual art, Wisconsin is just like France.

Acorns must come from France. That would explain the tiny berets.

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

Actually told a girl who's moving to France soon that "there's lots of French people over there". It's a wonder how I can even bathe myself.

Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word "wifi" rather than "le signal librement accessible sans l'utilisation de fils" or some shit.

The only thing more boring than Lance Armstrong's interview is the Tour de France.

France declared war on al Qaida yesterday. Thank God, for someone needed to teach the terrorists how to surrender.

Cop: we know you're in there. Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France. Cop: when will you be back? Me: je ne comprends pas

If I'd been around in France when Marie Antoinette said "let them eat cake," I would've been like "wait a minute, let's hear this lady out."

I see London, I see France! (I'm looking at Google maps)

The Greatest Fighter-pilot in France! There is a fighter-pilot in France called Pierre. He is known throughout all of France as the best. Men want to be him, women want to be with him. One night he is on the banks of the Seine with a beautiful woman. He charms her with his sharp wit and his soft whispers. Eventually she says ""Pierre, kiss me"". At this point Pierre pulls out a bottle of red wine, opens it, and pours it all over the woman's face. ""Ahh, Pierre! Pierre! What are you doing?!"". He…

An arab guy walks into a bra store owned by a Jewish guy on a sunday afternoon... The arab guy finds a bra he likes and asks for the price. Jewish guy being the business man that he is says ""This is a great bra it's really starting to get polular. I can sell you each for 50 bucks."" The arab guy nods and says ""sure I'll buy 100."" The next sunday the arab guy comes back to bra shop and looks around and finds another bra he likes. The Jewish guy smiles and thinks he's gonna try to mark up the p…

A married couple are awakened one night by a knock on the door Who the hell is that, they both said, so the husband went down to answer. He opened the front door to find an apologetic man. HUSBAND ;"" Its 3 am, what the hell do you want. MAN ;""sorry sir but a need a push"". HUSBAND ;""No"" (closes door). Back in the bedroom he fills his wife in. WIFE;""Go back out and help him, remember that night on our honeymoon in France when our hire cars battery died? What goes around comes around"". So th…

Caught by a local tribe. A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, ""The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."" The Frenchman says, ""I take ze sword."" The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, ""Vive la France!"" and runs himself through. The Engl…

John Cleese talks about the terror threat levels of nations The English are concerned about the recent increase in terrorist activities, and have therefore raised their security level from ""miffed"" to ""peeved."" If the threats continue to grow, the security levels may be raised to ""irritated"" or even ""a bit cross."" (The English have not seen ""a bit cross"" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out.) Terrorists have been recategorized from ""tiresome"" to ""a bloody nuisan…

Moses is walking down the mountain with the ten commandments... ... as he looks over them he thinks this is just too much to ask a society to do all at once. He has a plan! Just go around the world and give out one commandment at a time. So he travels to France. ""Hello people of France, I want to give you a commandment from God."" The French say ""Okay we're listening."" Moses replies ""Thou shall not commit adultery!"" The French look at him and say ""It's okay we don't need a commandment righ…

A Frenchman, an Italian and a Bulgarian were on a trans-continental flight over Europe. ""Aha!"" exclaims the Frenchman. ""We're over my homeland of France right now!"" The other two asked him how he knows - ""If you do some simple math it's easy to figure out."" A while passes ""Aha!"" exclaims Italian ""NOW we're approaching my hometown."" When asked how he knows he says ""I know those mountains down there like the back of my hand!"" Some more goes by and the Bulgarian shouts ""Aha! We just pa…

Four passengers in a little Cessna. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Palestinian and an Israelite are in a small airplane. Suddenly, one of the engines fails and as a result, the plane starts to lose altitude rapidly. The pilot explains over the intercom that the remaining engine does not have enough power to keep the plane in the air. Which is not good, seeing that there is nothing but sea beneath them for several hundred miles in any direction. So the pilot instructs the passengers to throw any u…

A German tourist in France. A German tourist arrives at a French airport. Immigration officer asks him: ""Occupation?"" The German replies: ""No, no, just visiting.""