France Jokes

A classic French/Belgian joke (Translated from French. I always found the nationalism amusing that the French and Belgians use each other as the butt of jokes - sorry for any Belgians here that are offended, I'll raise a Belgian beer in your name later on!) Two Belgians were in a delivery truck driving through France. They come upon a bridge with low clearance. ""Hey Lou-Lou, get out and check the markings."" Lou-Lou gets out of the truck, sees that the bridge is marked ""3m"" and the truck is m…

X-Post from /r/Standup: If I ever got on stage I'd give my version of the Teletubbies... Here's my skit on the Teletubbies. So I hate the Teletubbies. It's one of the most mindless children's shows I've ever seen. I sometimes had to watch it because my ex's nephew loved the show and when we baby sat him that's all he wanted to watch. To me all it is, is a bunch of weird looking giant different colored babies dancing around on an acid trip, with dumb shapes on their heads. How is this informative…

So the God had commandments and wanted to give them to people... He came down to Earth and first went to India and said ""I have commandments. You want some""? They said ""I don't know what you have are good; but tell us one"". God said ""Thou shalt have no other gods before me!"". The Indians laughed and said ""We already have millions of Gods here. Not interested!"" Then he went to France and said ""I have commandments for you"" The French said ""Show us one of what you have"". He said ""Thou …

This joke is best told with a german accent Why did my grandfather cross the road? -to occupy France

On a dark and stormy night... ...a comet flies past Earth. This comet was enchanted, and after it flew past the world, it caused all statues to come to life, solely focused on destroying every country in the world. No nation was left safe from this attack. The gargoyles attacked France. The Statue of Liberty led a revolt against America. Michelangelo's David led the charge towards Italy. As the war of human versus statue waged on, a group went into the United Kingdom, led by the Venus de Milo, i…

French joke Why are the streets of France lined with trees? So the Germans can march in the shade.

There used to be a bunch of German soldiers in France. But they Argonne now.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are captured by the enemy army The army is on the move, keeping the prisoners in their forced march. They get to a river, but their raft has a large hole in it. In the war-torn field, there is nothing to fix the boat, so they decide to mend it with the bodies of the prisoners. In a moment of mercy, the army general decides to allow the prisoners to kill themselves with whatever method they choose. An array of weapons is presented. The Englishman takes …

Funny Lance Armstrong Joke (#2) (#1)I just heard that Lance Armstrong got his medals taken away from him for using drugs.. This is crazy because, when I do drugs.. I can't even find my bike. (#2) I just heard that the Tour De France is trying to eliminate Performance Enhancing Drugs.. Yet, they're sponsored by... Viagra

Rembrandt van Rijn joke So I was time travelling, and thought it would be fun to go back and take a photograph of Rembrandt's parents shagging, bring it back to 2013 and show people the image They will say ""that's impossible! How can you have a photograph of that? Photography was invented 220 years later, and in France not Holland!!"" I'll have to reply with the only fitting phrase ""It's an artists conception"" *tyvm*

2 Moroccans are in a cafe The first Moroccan says, ""one day I hope I will go to France and find a beautiful blue-eyed blond-haired girl to marry"". The second Moroccan says, ""eh, me too, but I only want blue eyes, I don't care about the hair"". First Moroccan says, ""but Hammad, why do yousay that? The hair is one of the most beautiful parts of a girl!"" ""Yes, I know, but I'm going to put a hijab on the hair anyways so it doesn't matter""

Earthquake Nigeria suffered from a severe earthquake last week, resulting in the dead of 12000 inhabitants. The EU is sending first aid and some countries add their own contributions. France is sending military troops to rebuild the country, Germany is sending food packets and Holland is sending 12000 niggers.

Ten Commandments God sends his angel to Earth to deliver his Commandments to the people. First the angel visited the Germans: ""God has sent me to deliver his commandments"", says the angel. ""Give us an example"", say the Germans ""Thou shall not covet your neighbours land"" ""Begone!!!"", say the Germans Next the angel goes the France. They too want an example. ""Thou shall not covet your neighbour's wife"" ""Begone!!!!"", say the French. Next the angel goes to the Jews. ""God has sent me to d…

Lance Armstrong I hear Lance Armstrong was doping to win the Tour de France again this year.

There was an Englishman, a Frenchmen and a Japanese man sitting at a bar. They were all in good spirits, complimenting each others countries and their achievements. But they also pointed out the strange customs too. It was the Englishman and the Frenchman who spoke first about Japan. They said, ""Japan is such a fine country which has provided the world with so many useful things. But you still eat seaweed!"" Then it was the Englishman and the Japanese man who spoke about France. They said, ""Fr…

Pre-Nuptial Agreements A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York. The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy. ""I'll only marry you under three conditions. "" she said. ""Anything, anything,"" …

Amsterdam is a lot like the Tour de France. It's just a lot of people on drugs riding bikes.

What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a bathroom in France? Linoleum Blownapart

Always remeber the Alamo An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says "" We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive "" The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers ""God Save The Queen "" and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and holler…

A Frenchman, Englishman, American and a Mexican are sitting in a sinking boat... They know that one of them must sacrifice themselves for the sake of the other three. The Frenchman stands and says ""I will do the noble thing. Good bye messieurs, viva la France."" He jumps out and drowns and yet the boat is still sinking. To save the other two, the Englishman goes next. ""Cheers, gents. God save the Queen!"" He jumps out and drowns. But the boat is still sinking. The American and Mexican are left…

BBC announcement From the BBC - Read by John Cleese. ANNOUNCEMENT The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from ""Miffed"" to ""Peeved."" Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to ""Irritated"" or even ""A Bit Cross."" The English have not been ""A Bit Cross"" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from ""Tiresome"" to ""A Bloody Nuisance."" The la…

The teacher asks: - Little Johnny, what do you want to be when you grow up? - I wanna be a billionaire. I want to go over the most expensive club, get the most expensive bitch. I wanna buy her a car, give her 1 million dollars and a mansion in France. - And you, Mary dear? - I wanna be the bitch.

French Joke Q. Why do we need France on our side against Saddam and Osama? A. So the French can show them how to surrender.

Did anyone else hear that France is changing the color of its flag to plain white? Supposedly it is to make battles easier.

1916 in France The germans and the french sat in their trenches. The german army suffered from great losses, so the german general had to come up with a plan. Because he couldn't find a solution for their problems he decided to ask his soldiers. Only one had an idea. 'We should find out the most common french name, shout it over no mans land and kill whoever is stupid enough to react to it.' Since it was the only idea, the german general gave the order to find the most common french name and use…