Hans Jokes

I'm in Germany. Time to drink precisely one bier (beer) and call every man "Hans"

Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF

By a show of Hans, how many of you are German?

I've deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone... Now it's Hans free...

So during World War 2, a lot of experiments took place on the front lines; *Doctor Heinfeld*, a leading researcher in Engineering and Biology at the front, wanted to test a new mechanical heart he had engineered, and offered a clockwork heart he had engineered to a then-dieing solider, named *Hugo*, who took it without hesitation. Later on, Hugo (now fully recovered due to the revelutionary mechanical heart) was on a routine patrol. During a small pause, he noticed his new heart playing up. *Tic…

A French sniper, bored with the endless stalemate, has a clever idea Lots of German soldiers are named Hans, a common name. So he gets in position and calls out ""Hey, Hans!"" A head pops up. ""Ja?"" Bang! The Frenchman shoots him dead. It works! The next few days, he goes up and down his trench, racking up his kill count. After a few days, a German officer notices a high head count, much more than usual. He calls over one of his smarter soldiers, and says ""a bunch of people are being killed, a…

How does Kylo Ren talk on the phone in his helmet? He uses a hans free device

I know a guy who owns an electrics and wiring company. He swears by employing only Germans and sending about a dozen of them to each contract.... He reckons that many Hans make lights work.

Hans was a little disturbed.... ... He confided in a friend: I have this girlfriend who came in as a migrant refugee couple of weeks ago and is staying in our city. She says she will blow me. Now I don't know whether to lower my pants or call the Police...???

I just deleted all the German contacts from my phone. It's Hans free

Hans turns up for his first day with the German Coast Guard. He's shown round the building, then taken to his new position as radio operator. ""Gut Mornink, Hans,"" says the old hand. ""As you are ze new guy, I am off to ze bier keller. Just remember, all international radio traffic must be in ze English"", and leaves. Hans sits listening to the radio for a while, when he hears a call. ""Mayday, Mayday - help us, can anyone hear us?"" ""Yar,"" says Hans. ""Vot is Ze Problem?"" ""Thank god,"" com…

The mother of all Dad jokes. Dad: *Picks up caterpillar* I'll name him Hans! Person: ""Why?"" Dad: ""Because he's got lots of Hans!""

3 Women sitting in a cafe. Three women, a german, a french and a turkish one are sitting in a cafe, talking about how they educate their men. So the german one starts: ""I say to my Hans, Hans Im no longer doing the dishes. The first day I dont see anything, the second day neither. On the third day, look, he is doing the dishes."" The french one replies: "" I say to my Jeanne-Claude, I dont cook anymore. The first day I dont see anything, the second day neither. On the third day, voila, he is co…

Austria, mid-1950s Once upon a time in an Austrian elementary school, the children were preparing for the school play. This year it was about classical musicians. The teacher asked some students who they'd like to portray in the production. Hans wanted to be Mozart, Johan wanted to be Beethoven, and Karl wanted to be Brahms. When little Arnold was asked, he replied ""I'll be Bach!""

A tourist in Chinatown sees a sign advertising ""Hans Olafsen's Laundry"" He goes inside to check it out, and there's an old Asian man in the corner. ""How did this place get named 'Hans Olafsen's Laundry'?"" he asks. ""It's named after me, Hans Olafsen."" said the man. ""That's an unusual name for a Chinese man"" observed the tourist. ""When I was in the immigration center, I followed a man named Hans Olafsen. When they asked my name, I told them 'Sam Ting'"".

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know the exact number, but many Hans make light work.

A woman walks into a fancy seafood restaurant... ...and is asked by the waiter to pick something from the aquarium nearby. He woman thinks for a second then says ""I'd like that little green octopus, the one with the moustache."" The waiter rings up the order and the world famous chef de Face prepares to chop up the octopus. After holding the cleaver in the air for several seconds, the octopus's moustache quivering and little tentacles shivering, he bursts into tears. ""I can't do it! I can't! H…

Hans and Jervaise.... A man walks into a restaurant and orders squid. ""Certainly sir,"" says Jervaise, the waiter. ""Would you like to choose your squid from the tank over there?"" ""I'll have that little green one with the moustache,"" says the customer. ""Oh no!"" replies Jervaise. ""But he's my favourite! He's so small and cute and friendly. Surely you'd prefer one of the bigger, meatier ones?"" ""No,"" says the customer. ""It's got to be that one"". So Jervaise gets the little green squid o…

A Nazi joke One morning in the desert Rommel announced to his staff officers, ""Today is Christmas. We will now celebrate. Hans, how is your wife? Hermann, how is your wife?"" and without waiting for his officers, to answer, Rommel said, ""That was Christmas. Now, get out the maps.""

1916 in France The germans and the french sat in their trenches. The german army suffered from great losses, so the german general had to come up with a plan. Because he couldn't find a solution for their problems he decided to ask his soldiers. Only one had an idea. 'We should find out the most common french name, shout it over no mans land and kill whoever is stupid enough to react to it.' Since it was the only idea, the german general gave the order to find the most common french name and use…

To make it safer to use the mobile phone when I'm driving, I've deleted all my German male contacts. I now completely Hans free.

Walking through Chinatown a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants shops signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign ""Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."" ""Hans Olaffsen?"" he muses. ""How in hell does that fit in here?"" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks ""How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?'"" The old man answers ""Is name of owner."" The tourist asks ""Well who and …

Typical vaguely racist bar joke [xpost r/forwardsfromgrandma] At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various Brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference. Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a Bladdy Fosters, mate." Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers in the world, and I make the King of them all gimme a Bud." Hans steps up…

Hans the Norwegian Hans was arrested for speeding... driving 66 miles an hour in a 50 mph zone. However, he explained to the officer, "I saw a big sign vit 66 on it." "That's Highway 66," the officer said disgustedly. "Goodness sakes," replied Hans, "you should have seen me yesterday on highway 110!"

How does this name fit? Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, Hans Olaffsen's Laundry. Hans Olaffsen?, he muses. How in the world that name fits in here? So he decides to walk into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, How did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry? The old man answers, Is name of owner. The touris…