Ahmed Jokes

If there's ever a flood disaster in the Middle East & they want to make a charity song I got a great title: Raindrops keep falling on Ahmed

Two Christians Were walking in the desert.... They began to feel very hungry and thirsty. Then they saw a nearby mosque. Their names were Chris and Michael and Chris suggested to change names to Muslim names so they would give them food. Chris changed his to Ahmed but Michael refused and didn't change it. They approached the Sheikh of the mosque and the Sheikh asked "" What are your names?"" Chris replied ""My name is Ahmed and this is Michael"" The Sheikh quickly stood up and said ""Quickly get…

Three ISIS mothers having tea..... The first says: ""My son Ahmed used to play here with the neighbor dog... The next says: ""My boy Abdul did too...I miss him. The third says. ""These kids just blow up way too fast""

Spelling Bee It's cup final day and three boys in the class want to go home early to watch the match. The teacher decides to hold a spelling bee and allow the boys who spell their words correctly to leave school for the day to see their team. Tommy, spell dog for me please. Easy sir, D-O-G. Very good Tommy, off you go. Martin, spell cat for me please. Simple, sir. C-A-T. Very good Martin, off you go, enjoy the game. Thank you sir! Ahmed I would like you to spell racial discrimination.

""Ahmed, you're parking too far away from the sidewalk."" ""Who cares, its gonna explode anyways.""

Nobody told Ahmed about the clock change so he blew himself up in the garage.

Jihadi math university question: Ahmed has 3 lunch boxes. He gives one to Mohammed and another to Hassan. Calculate the area it will cover after the explosion.

ISIS math problem Ahmed has 5 bags. If he gives 2 to Mohamed and 1 to Jamal. Then calculate the radius of the blast.

An pakistani in the US fears for his safety Email note from Abdul in Washington to his friend Ahmed in Pittsburgh: I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood. So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch. I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIS in the centre. I grew a beard and only wear turbans in my freetime. Now, the Washington Police, the FBI, the National Security Agency,…

Little bill came in from recess Little billy came from recess where he was greeted at the door by his teacher. ""how was your recess?"" he asked billy. ""it was good, I played in the sand box with little susan"" billy replied. ""that sounds lovely. If you can spell the word cat you can have an extra 10 minutes of recess"". ""c-a-t"" and off he went. Next in came little Susan. ""how was your recess little susan?"" ""oh it was good. I played in the sand box with little billy"". ""how nice, if you …

Why Ahmed made a clock? To know when to blow up

Everyone's talking about how the story with Ahmed and the clock has really blown up... ... but isn't the whole point of the story that the clock never blew up?

Old Arabian Guy in New Work An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: ""Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."" The following day, the old man receives a respons…

Two Non-Muslims Lost in the Desert... Bob and Steve two non-Muslims are lost wandering the desert. They see a mosque in the distance and they say ""Thank God, let's go ask for some food and water."" Bob says ""I'll say my name is Mohammed you say your name is Ahmed"". Steve says ""No I am using my real name."" They get to the mosque and Bob says ""Hi I am Mohammed."" Steve says ""I am Steve"". ""We got lost in the desert."" The Imam says ""Welcome Steve come have some food and water, and Mohamme…

Martyr Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing. ''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.'' ''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully. ""He's a martyr now though."" the mother confides. ""Oh, so sad, dear...'' says the other. ''And this is my second son, Khal…

3 Women sitting in a cafe. Three women, a german, a french and a turkish one are sitting in a cafe, talking about how they educate their men. So the german one starts: ""I say to my Hans, Hans Im no longer doing the dishes. The first day I dont see anything, the second day neither. On the third day, look, he is doing the dishes."" The french one replies: "" I say to my Jeanne-Claude, I dont cook anymore. The first day I dont see anything, the second day neither. On the third day, voila, he is co…

Sunny, Ahmed and Will are walking to a party. But they soon realise they don't know where it is, luckily their friend Jason finds them and says he knows where the house is at. So they're walking along, with Ahmed and Will trailing behind the others. After some conversation they begin to discuss their respective religions. Will states that he is a Christian. Ahmed asks him ""are you a follower of Catholicism?"" Will replies ""yes I am"" Ahmed then states that he is a Muslim and Will asks ""oh, do…

Knock Knock funny Knock Knock Who's There? Ahmed Ahmed who? Ahmed the payphone trying to call home. All of my change I spent on you. Knock Knock Who's There? Daisy! Daisy who? Daisy me rollin, they hatin Knock Knock Who's There? Wendy! Wendy who? Wendy wind blows de cradle will fall. Knock Knock Who's There? Britney Spears! Britney Spears who? Knock Knock Who's There? Oops I did it again

Maths Question (Muslim version) Question 1) If Mohammad has 3 apples and gives one to Hassan and one to Ahmed, what is the radius of the explosion?

Three Muslim women are sitting talking... The first one says, ""I miss my eldest son Ahmed. He was martyred in Iraq last year."" ""Oh I know,"" says the second women, ""I miss little Hamza. He drove a car-bomb into a Syrian checkpoint six months ago."" The third woman nodded, ""Me too. My Omar was a suicide bomber in Gaza, so sad."" The first woman shook her head sadly. ""Kids these days. They blow up so fast.""

Spelling practice It is spelling lesson. The teacher asks the kids to spell different words. -Emma, can you spell 'dog'? -D O G -Correct! Jake, can you spell 'cat'? -C A T -Correct! Now, Ahmed, can you spell 'racial discrimination'?

Ahmed went to have a Falafel. He asked the guy making the sandwich not to put any pickles in it. The guy replies ""But we're fresh out of pickles! How about no tomatoes instead?""

A man in a turban walked into the plane A Muslim in a turban walked into the plane and shouted ""HIJACK!"". Everybody screamed frantically in panic and crouched down with hands over their head. ""Hi Ahmed! Long time no see!"" said Jack, confused at the chaos in the plane. . . . . . . . . . Ahmed then proceeded to press a button and blow up the plane

A charity single has been released in aid of Pakistan flood relief... Raindrops keep falling on Ahmed.

Two English Muslims go on holiday in Spain... Two English Muslims go on a long holiday in Spain, and they're having a wonderful time until one day the weather turns and it rains for three days straight. On the fourth day, one of them looks out of the window in the morning. ""Ahmed, I think we can visit some of the local buildings today. We should bring an umbrella though."" ""Ah, but Hissam, how is the weather looking on the forecast? Is it Sunni, or is it Shi'ite?""