Ahmed Jokes

Kids Today Two Arab mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing. 'This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.' 'Yes, I remember him as a baby,' says the other mother cheerfully. 'He's a martyr now though,' the mother confides. 'Oh, so sad dear,' says the other. 'And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.…

Ahmed came to the United States from Iraq, and was here only a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor. The doctor said, ""Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."" Ahmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fu…

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But is not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my…

Knock Knock Who's there ! Ahmed ! Ahmed who ? Ahmed a big mistake coming here !

An old Arab lived close to New York City... An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father." The following day, the old man…

3 Women sitting in a café. Three women, a german, a french and a turkish one are sitting in a café, talking about how they educate their men. So the german one starts: "I say to my Hans, Hans Im no longer doing the dishes. The first day I dont see anything, the second day neither. On the third day, look, he is doing the dishes." The french one replies: " I say to my Jeanne-Claude, I dont cook anymore. The first day I dont see anything, the second day neither. On the third day, voila, he is cook…

An pakistani in the US fears for his safety Email note from Abdul in Washington to his friend Ahmed in Pittsburgh: I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood. So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch. I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIS in the centre. I grew a beard and only wear turbans in my freetime. Now, the Washington Police, the FBI, the National Security Agen…

Once upon a time... ...there lived a great ruler in India, Emperor Akbar. This great emperor had the most beautiful wife in all the realms. At the palace, there lived a certain Ahmed who was a low-ranking official. He took a liking to the queen, and his greatest desire was to kiss the queen's gorgeous breasts. Once, he told Birbal, the emperor's minister about this secret desire. He also told him he'd do anything to touch the queen's breasts with his mouth. Birbal, who was a very cunning man,…

A son arrives at his new school in Berlin. He writes a letter to his dad, it reads: Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here. But Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my own college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train Your son, Ahmed The father responds: My dear loving son, 20 million US Dollars have hust been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too…

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father." The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:…

Two Muslims are wandering, starving and lost in the desert- they come across a monastery, and decide to go and ask for hospitality. One said to the other, "I'm going to tell them my name's John, because they're sure to treat me better if they think I'm Christian." His companion replied "I'm going to tell them the truth." They knock on the door of the monastery and a monk opens it. The monk says "My, but you look exhausted. Who do I have the honor of welcoming?" The first man says "I'm John…

An Afghan man named Ahmed is walking down a dirt road with his wife ahead of him a few steps. He meets another man going the opposite way.

Mattress and Panties Ahmed was a family man who worked very hard to take care of his family. Eventually he fell on hard times and decided to try his luck in London leaving back his family.

Pakistani math problem. Ahmed has 3 lunch boxes.

A bearded guy A bearded, middle-eastern guy boards a plane. As soon as he enters he shouts "hijack!". All the passengers are scared to death. Some start crying. Then a white guy from the back stands up and says "oh hi Ahmed, didn't expect to see you here.."

Pakistani math problem. Ahmed has 3 lunch boxes. He gives one to Mohammed and another to Hassan. Calculate the radius of the explosion.

Why did Ahmed take his clock to school? He wanted to see time fly

Knock Knock Who's there? Ahmed! Ahmed who? Ahmedeus Motzart! 1666. Knock Knock Who's there? Alaska! Alaska who? Alaska my friend the question then! 1667. Knock Knock Who's there? Alfred! Alfred who! Alfred of the dark! 1668. Knock Knock Who's there? Alma! Alma who? Alma not going to tell you!