Mohammed Jokes

So, what if Mohammed does a self portrait?

Moses, Jesus and Mohammed were selecting their followers... Moses looks at all the women from whom to create his chosen people, picks out all of the smart ones and tells them to follow him. Jesus' turn comes, he looks at the remaining group, picks all of the most beautiful ones and tells them to follow him. Mohammed takes a look at the remaining group, sighs and says ""cover yourself up""

Racist joke time! Last night my daughter walked into the living room and said ""Dad, cancel my allowance, stop paying my college tuition, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone, iPad, and jewelry and give it to charity. Sell my car and take my front door key and throw me out of the house."" Well, she didn't actually put it like that. She said, ""Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed.""

Why did the chicken cross the road? (answers from various personalities) **GEORGE W. BUSH** We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here. **AL GORE** I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represents the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed …

ISIS Awards Night The 2016 best suicide bomber award goes to Mohammed. Unfortunately Mohammed can't be with us tonight.

Mohammed goes to school.... The children were returning to class after playtime. The first child into class was Jack. ''Jack,'' said the teacher, ''what did you do this playtime?'' ''I was playing in the sandpit,'' replied Jack. ''How fun! If you can spell 'sand' on the board, you can have a cookie!'' Jack successfully spelled 'sand' on the board and was given a cookie. Sally was the next child into class. ''Sally,'' said the teacher, ''what did you do this playtime?'' ''I played in the sandpit,…

Three muslim women... Three muslim women are sitting together talking. One pulls out a picture of her son to show the others. 'This is a picture of my son Abdul. He would have been 18 today'. Another pulls out a picture of her son. 'This is a picture of Mohammed. He would have been 20 today'. The third one says with a tear in her eye, 'Yes, they blow up so quickly these days...'

Who never wants to be drawn at a raffle? Mohammed

Jihadi math university question: Ahmed has 3 lunch boxes. He gives one to Mohammed and another to Hassan. Calculate the area it will cover after the explosion.

I recently purchased a teddy bear for 10 And named it Mohammed, then sold it for 20. My question is.....have I made a Prophet?

If an object falls at 500ft/s how far must Mohammed run to escape the blast?

My Muslim friends So I've got a pretty diverse friend group, of which includes several Muslims. There's: That guy who lives between two other houses- Ali That guy with a sausage in his hair - Hamed Oh and that other guy, who looks like he has two sausages in his hair! Mohammed! Bonus :(hintMay require some punjabi). That guy with a receding hairline -Ikbal No religious hate intended

Two Non-Muslims Lost in the Desert... Bob and Steve two non-Muslims are lost wandering the desert. They see a mosque in the distance and they say ""Thank God, let's go ask for some food and water."" Bob says ""I'll say my name is Mohammed you say your name is Ahmed"". Steve says ""No I am using my real name."" They get to the mosque and Bob says ""Hi I am Mohammed."" Steve says ""I am Steve"". ""We got lost in the desert."" The Imam says ""Welcome Steve come have some food and water, and Mohamme…

Dad, about your will... A man was telling his buddy, ""You won't believe what happened last night. My daughter walked into the living room and said, Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Goodwill. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And d…

I don't think Muslims go far enough.... I don't think Muslims go far enough in killing people who draw images of the prophet Mohammed. I think they should kill people who are named after him as well.

Me and the lads at work were having a great laugh today drawing caricatures of Mohammed but Akhmed didn't join in. He said he'll be back tomorrow with something to blow us all away. It must be a cracking drawing if he's working overnight on it.

Congratulations to Charlie Hedbo for selling 3 million issues this week. I guess cartoons featuring Mohammed can be quite prophetable.

I don't think Muslims go far enough in killing people who draw images of the prophet Mohammed. I think they should kill people who are named after him as well.

Mohammed cooks fish with Jesus and Moses I was there, I remember it like this: The three friends were boating for fish... Jesus walked out onto the water and said ""I'll scare the fish your way!"" Moses said, ""Ok! I'll part the sea so all the fish land on the land!"" Sure enough it parted and the fish plopped out just as He had said. Mohammed said ""Lalallalalalalla!"" and blew Himself up in a big fireball which ignited all the fish and cooked them perfectly in all the ways. Then they feasted o…

I once had to draw Mohammed in pictionary Turns out he was also a known boxer and game night at the mosque was ruined (Not happy with the latter part of this ""joke"". Feel free to make suggestions)

What did Mohammed eat? His dates.

Mike and David are stranded in the desert... Mike and David are stranded in the desert. They've been walking for ages without food or even a sip of water. All of a sudden in the baron wasteland they find a mosque. David and mike agree that it is their best bet to go to the mosque because there'll be food and shelter. On the way to the mosque mike says ""David, let's pretend to be Muslims they'll treat us a lot better. If they ask what my name is I'm gonna say Mohammed"". David disagrees and thin…

No, he's higher up. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barack Obama meets a man with a beard. 'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up.' Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds. Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?' 'Why no,' he answers, 'I am Moses; Mohammed…

Kate Middleton has said if she has a boy she will call him by the most popular British boy's name at the moment. We look forward to the arrival of baby Mohammed.

A Muslim man dies and finds himself at the gates of Heaven... The man says to St. Peter, ""I'm here to see Mohammed."" ""He's higher up,"" says St. Peter. Good, thinks the man, Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter. So he goes higher up and sees Jesus. ""I'm looking for Mohammed,"" says the man. ""Higher up,"" says Jesus. The man is getting quite excited now, knowing Mohammed is higher than Jesus. He goes up again, and sees God sitting on his golden chair. ""I'm here to see Mohammed,"" says t…